A sketch in 3 parts - some mild wearing.

PART 1

THREE FRIENDS STAND IN BAR, PINTS IN HAND. THEY ARE LAUGHING BUT IT SLOWLY DIES OUT. THERE IS A SILENCE

BOB
Aye. I've had a smashin’ night tonight… as I do every time when we go out together.

HARRY
Aye. We always do.

STEVIE
Aye.

ANOTHER SILENCE

BOB
I mean we've been going out regularly together as friends for what? Five years now?

HARRY
Aye, five years. Time flies eh?

STEVIE
Five years right enough.

BOB
Five... trouble free years. We always have a great time. We drink, we laugh, there's never an end to the chat. It's always easy banter.

STEVIE
It is that.

ANOTHER PAUSE

BOB
<Sighs> Right I'm gonna come out and say it. I think it's what we're all thinking but we’re just too afraid to speak up. Us… this group… is missing something.

STEVIE AND HARRY LOOK AT EACH OTHER. THEY MUTTER THEIR AGREEMENT.

BOB
I mean we all have our roles. Stevie, I'm sure you won't mind me saying that your not the sharpest knife in the drawer and you fill the role of group diddy admirably.

STEVIE
Not at all - thanks.

BOB
And Harry we can always rely on you to give it the big talk with about your sexual conquests but get knocked back by at least three or four lassies every night we're out.

HARRY
Guilty as charged.

BOB
And I'd like to think I've made the whole getting-way-too-drunk-way-too-quickly-and-falling-asleep-in-gents-toilets-for-hours-at-an-end... I'd like to think I've made that role my own.

STEVIE
Absolutely.

HARRY
I've never seen better.

BOB
So... if you do the maths I think you'll come up with the same conclusion...

STEVIE, HARRY, BOB <SIMULTANEOUSLY>
We need a nutter!

BOB
Exactly. This group needs a nutter. It's something we've been lacking for years. A complete and utter headcase. Someone to start fights in taxi cues for no apparent reason…

STEVIE.
Yeah, someone to hurl insults and girls who have boyfriends like gorillas.

HARRY
Just… someone to spoil it for everyone.

BOB
Phew. Well I feel like a weight has been lifted. At least it's out in the open now. We’re all in agreement we need a total fruitloop to complete the group dynamic.

STEVIE AND HARRY NOD IN AGREEMENT

BOB
Right the way I see it we have two options. The first - we promote from within. Does anyone here think they have what it takes to fill the role of psychotic chancer?

STEVIE
Obviously I'm too slow-witted for such a thing. Harry, you get a bit ratty sometimes after a few vodkas. Maybe you could crank that up a couple of notches?

HARRY
Maybe, but I really don't think I have the bitterness and deep rooted resentment the role of dangerous lunatic demands.

BOB
Hmmm, Obviously I'd volunteer myself but what with the drunken sleepy thing...

STEVIE
Yeah that's a lot to take on.

HARRY
Too much, Bob. You do enough already.

BOB
So I guess that leaves us with no other option. We're going to have to bring in a cerifiable nutjob from outside.

STEVIE AND HARRY NOD IN AGREEMENT.

FADE OUT.

PART 2

THE SAME THREE SAME MEN STAND AT THE SAME BAR BUT ARE THIS TIME JOINED BY A FOURTH MAN - DAVE.

BOB
So Dave, as you know we're looking for someone to fill the role of complete and utter headcase in our little group here. Let's take for granted you know the basics, I mean you obviously do otherwise you wouldn't be here, so all the arguing over who's on next on the pool table...

DAVE NODS

HARRY
Accusing bar staff of shortchanging you even when you know they're not...

DAVE NODS AGAIN

STEVIE
The rifling through pockets of other people’s jackets that have been left lying around...

DAVE CHUCKLES AND NODS

BOB
All the simple stuff - we'll just assume you have those off pat, ok? What I want to know is, what can you bring to the table in your capacity as freakin' wingding of the group?

DAVE
Good question. Well I'm quite proud of my record as a first rate sociopathic arsehole. In previos positions I've been set targets of two pubs and one club a month to get barred from and I'm pleased to say I've always met and often exceeded those targets. In fact I average six visits to casualty a year due to fight related incidents.

STEVIE
That's a good ratio.

BPB
And how would you describe your methods, what is your "style", if you will?

DAVE
Oh, tough one. Erm, well I like to think I'm adaptable enough to cause trouble in even the most relaxed situations, but I guess I lean towards having a minor altercation with a stranger early on the night. Nothing too serious, maybe start it out with some good-natured friendly banter which quickly reults in my taking offence to an otherwis innocuous comment

BOB
Ok. Good...

DAVE
Then I'll smile, shake the guy’s hand and walk away.

BOB
<Slightly concerned> Hmm… right... interesting.

DAVE
After which I'll sit in the corner of the bar silently simmering, thinking over and over about what I think he meant by what he said and staring at him out of the corner of my eye.

HARRY
Erm, you said silently. Does that mean no conversation at this point?

DAVE
I'll tend towards monsyllabic answers to any questions you ask me but I like to keep chat to a minimum. I find it helps me stew better.

BOB
Well, that's great because that would certainly give us a chance to recognise that something was wrong and that maybe it was all about to "kick off"

STEVIE
We could maybe discuss moving on somehwre else?

HARRY
I could tell you to leave it.... It’s not worth it.

BOB
Nice one, Harry.

DAVE
It's highly likely I'll dismiss anything you say at this point with some menacing statement along the lines of "I've got some unfinished business to take care of"

BOB
That works for me.

DAVE
And after a few hours when normal people would have forgotten such a minor incident I would probably explode across the room in a drunken rage and… well, I don't like to over think the next bit. I like to keep it spontaneous and fresh, you know.

BOB
Absolutely

STEVIE
But it would involve senseless violence of some sort?

DAVE
Oh, that's guaranteed.

STEVIE
Good stuff.

FADE OUT

PART 2

SAME BAR, SAME FOUR MEN.

BOB
Now I understand you've fallen out with two groups of friends previously. Can I ask what the reasons for that was?

DAVE
Oh, well one group disowned me after I slept with one of their girlfriends which to me is down to a group’s personal preference whether that is acceptable or not... I just need to know in advance.

BOB
Oh... hmmm... personally I don't really have a problem with that.

HARRY
It's bound to happen eventually, I suppose.

STEVIE
Inevitable really.

BOB
But then I hope you would have intimidated us enough by the time you slept with any of our girlfriends that even if we did find out about it we'd be too scared to confont you for fear of having penalty kicks rained in on our heads?

DAVE
Can do. Intimidation is not a problem for me.

HARRY
And what about the second group you fell out with? What happened there?

DAVE
Ah. I don't usually like talking about that but, well, I was going through a particularly good time in my life back then. I had a steady girlfriend, a good job, good prospects. The angerness and biterness a fruitcake needs to be at the top of his game were just ebbing away...

THERE ARE SHARP INTAKES OF BREATH AND TUTTING FROM THE THREE MEN

BOB
Can happen to the best of them.

DAVE
<Getting emotional> People would bump into me in bars and there would be nothing… no simmering rage or sense of injustice… I even found myself apoligising to them.

MORE TUTTING AND MUTTERING

DAVE
But one day I looked in the mirror and I saw what I had become. Gone were the constant throbbing veins in the side of my head, the dark menacing rings around my eyes, the perpetual sneer on the lips. I just looked like a happy contented man… a complete mess. So I did something about it - dumped the girlfriend, chucked the job and now I can safely say that I am as embittered as I ever was before - more so even.

STEVIE
Chip back on your shoulder?

DAVE
Oh, with a vengance. The world owes me big time now.

BOB
That's good to hear.

HARRY
Good for you.

BOB
Well, we were going to see a few other loopers about the vacancy but I think you've ticked all the boxes

DAVE
There is one thing I should mention. I WILL attack at least one of you verbally on each night out...

STEVIE
Leading to physical...?

DAVE
On occasion, yes. This is non-negotiable I'm afraid it's kind of my trademark.

BOB
I don't think we hava problem with that?

HARRY AND STEVIE SHAKE THEIR HEADS.

BOB.
Ok, well the position is all yours - if you want it that is?

DAVE
Of course.

BOB
Great, when can you start?

DAVE
Erm... right now if you like?

THE THREE NOD IN AGREEMENT.

BOB
Ok.... anytime you're ready.

THERE IS A LONG PAUSE.

DAVE
Who thr F**K is he looking at?

HARRY
Oh God, here we go!

STEVIE
He’s off again!

BOB
<Punches the air> Yesss!

END