Quote: Ming the Mirthless @ October 18 2010, 12:45 PM BST

Sex is always funny - especially when the audience are either drunk or as thick as f**k. If they're both (and they often are) you can't fail.

Crocodiles are also always funny. Just the mention will often get a laugh (that's your springboard) and if the joke's any good at all, you're flying.

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I posted the above advice to someone on a thread about preparing the first few minutes of a stand-up set.

He'd already suggested 'sex' as one topic and 'crocodiles' as another.

Later in the day (about 20 minutes ago, actually), I thought 'Why not combine sex and crocodiles?' and I came up with the following:

Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight I have two words for you. What's that, Sir? You have two words for me? That's very funny.

But seriously, I have two words for you: 'sex' and 'crocodiles'.

You see, the important thing about having sex with a crocodile is confidence. It's all about the confidence. A crocodile told me that. He must have been an important crocodile cos his name was Croc One. Yes, it's all about the confidence.

You get it, Madam? I'm so glad. Can you explain it to this lot?

No, before attempting any form of physical intimacy with a crocodile, you have to take control of the situation. No shilly-shallying. You have to show it who's boss. "Hey, you with the long face. Give me a blow-job and make it snappy!"

And, of course, when the sex is over and you're about to leave - don't just get up and walk away. That would be so impolite. So uncaring. What you do is give a warm smile, blow a tender kiss and say . . . "See you later, Crocodile".

Don't say 'alligator'! They get really pissed off if you call them alligators!

hahahaha another gem

brilliant, like it alot

I liked this a lot Ming. Very funny.

This was OK up to the alligator line. That was pure quality.

Yeah, I liked the last line too.

Thanks for your comments, guys and gals.

And also 'thank you' to the people who've contacted me privately to say how much they enjoyed it but were afraid to comment positively in public for fear of being turned upon by the allegedly non-existent clique.

Quote: Ming the Mirthless @ October 20 2010, 1:21 PM BST

And also 'thank you' to the people who've contacted me privately to say how much they enjoyed it but were afraid to comment positively in public for fear of being turned upon by the allegedly non-existent clique.

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Quote: Ming the Mirthless @ October 20 2010, 1:21 PM BST

Thanks for your comments, guys and gals.

And also 'thank you' to the people who've contacted me privately to say how much they enjoyed it but were afraid to comment positively in public for fear of being turned upon by the allegedly non-existent clique.

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I was going to PM you Ming, but I've heard The Clique can intercept all online communications. It wasn't worth the risk.

Quote: Ming the Mirthless @ October 20 2010, 1:21 PM BST

Thanks for your comments, guys and gals.

And also 'thank you' to the people who've contacted me privately to say how much they enjoyed it but were afraid to comment positively in public for fear of being turned upon by the allegedly non-existent clique.

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Absolute non-sense, I am quite sure absolutely & definitely quite sure that there is no such thing as the Alligator Clique.

Don't feed the crocodiles;

you shouldn't have said smile though Ming....#never smile at a crocodile....#

P.S...I get lovely PMs too from the 'clique'

Quote: Ming the Mirthless @ October 20 2010, 1:21 PM BST

Thanks for your comments, guys and gals.

And also 'thank you' to the people who've contacted me privately to say how much they enjoyed it but were afraid to comment positively in public for fear of being turned upon by the allegedly non-existent clique.

View original

I don't understand why they were scared though. All the feedback was positive if they posted 'how much they enjoyed it' they've have been agreeing with everyone.

ps I liked it, I did let out a little groan at the punch, which can be better than a laugh sometimes.

Quote: AngieBaby @ October 20 2010, 11:46 PM BST

I don't understand why they were scared though. All the feedback was positive if they posted 'how much they enjoyed it' they've have been agreeing with everyone.

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Everyone?

They'd have been agreeing with the people who'd already posted on the thread to say they liked the 'sex and crocodiles' stuff but the threat was from some of those who sulk in the shadows, far from the light of my comedic genius.

P.S. That light might not burn as brightly as it once did but that's only because it's now 'energy-saving' light. My genius remains undiminished.

What *are* you going on about, Ming...