Please, constructive comments are always welcome.

The Monster Diets Sketch

EXT. DARK STREET, NIGHTTIME

(A JOGGER is jogging, humming cheerfully to herself. Suddenly, a low growl is heard in the background. The JOGGER turns around to see a terrifying werewolf! She screams, then runs as fast as she can, running away from the werewolf. The JOGGER eventually reaches in front of her own home, opens the door, and closes it shut behind her. )

INT. LIVING ROOM, HOME

(The JOGGER pulls out her stopwatch.)

JOGGER
2 minutes and 34 seconds - no, I'm getting slower again. I must complain.

(She reaches for the telephone and dials a number. Split screen to reveal a call center operator on the other end.)

OPERATOR
Monster Diets plc, how may I help you?

JOGGER
I signed up for one of your "Monster Jogging Courses" two weeks ago.

OPERATOR
Yes, that's the one where we send a classical monster to chase you around so that you have a legitimate excuse to run around in circles and lose weight at the same time.

JOGGER
I know, I know that because I signed up for that. I signed up with a werewolf, but I must make an appointment with a different monster.

OPERATOR
We value your personal feedback; what seemed to be the problem with your werewolf?

JOGGER
One time I tripped over the pavement while jogging and a moment later he was humping my leg!

OPERATOR
That shouldn't have happened; we make sure our werewolves are fully housetrained.

JOGGER
Oh yes, and also fleas. He's got massive fleas.

OPERATOR
Thank you, we'll have a word with our resident veterinarian. Now, in return for your werewolf, would you be looking for a different kind of monster? Vampires are popular at the moment among our early-20s women customer base; I'm afraid they're not sparkly as modern literature might suggest, but they will either penalize you for slackness by losing your virginity.

JOGGER
I don't think it'll be very useful. I'm a single woman with a dead-end career, an image problem, and no possible future of a husband or lesbian wife.

OPERATOR
I beg your pardon?

JOGGER
I'm already f***ed!

OPERATOR
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. On the other hand, we do have a special offer for the next 3 months.

JOGGER
And which one is that?

OPERATOR
Then may I recommend the Politician Special. We send a shaggy-haired, inbred Tory MP with a major speech impediment on a bicycle and a crowbar around to get you properly running. In fact, why don't you look out the window right now, sir.

(The JOGGER looks out the window. BORIS JOHNSON is riding a bicycle, and swinging a crowbar at some girl thugs in the street.)

BORIS JOHNSON
Come back here, you oiks!

JOGGER
I think I'll take the Tory MP option, thank you.

Hi Thomas, welcome to Critique.

I thought this was a good idea but you over-complicated it.

I liked the idea of a super-natural personal trainer
'Vampires are popular at the moment among our early-20s women customer base; I'm afraid they're not sparkly as modern literature might suggest'...Made me laugh, but then Boris popped up and spoiled it.

Boris is introducing a cycle scheme in London where you can pick up a bike for an hourly / daily rate so it's ripe for piss-taking, but I think you need to focus the sketch to get the best.

What do others think?

I really liked the sketch and thought it was a good idea.
I actually thought the image of Boris Johnson on the bike, swinging a crow bar was really funny too.

The only minor suggestion I'd have is maybe see if there's a different way of explaining to the viewer what she's signed up to- I thought the idea of having the phone operator relay the entire idea back to the woman felt a bit forced and unnatural. I know you got round that by having the woman retort that she knows as she signed up for it, but perhaps you could look into changing that?

Apart from that I thought it was very good

Hello Thomas I like the idea behind the sketch but I think it would be better without the opening scene with the jogger being chased, so it starts with her entering the house and being disappointed with her time.

As Angie says you need it's slightly complicated and I agree with digforfire that some of the dialogue is too expositional at times and could be more natural. Would like to see a second draft.

Great idea but you reveal too much. Perhaps play the intro like a classic Hammer horror intro and then have the woman complain?

I thought I already began this sketch with a horror opening...

I missed that sorry. Maybe more fog and hooting owls and stuff?

Also the line where the operator explians monnster diets is superfluos. The sketch is clear enough that the audience I think gets it.