I’ve had this idea knocking around in my head for a while. Unluckily, it doesn’t transpose too well onto paper. The idea is it’s supposed to be shot in two sections, with no speech. So… here goes. Excuse the non-professional layout, just wanted some feedback.

Scene:
A smart business man walking along in the morning (someplace grey and dreary like Milton Keynes) holding a briefcase in one hand and a large coffee in the other. It’s not a close up shot. He walks under an underpass, on the far side there are a group of youths swaggering and shouting. They move over to him and heckle him with insults and throw beer cans at him. The man tries to walk straight on, but from the shot of him walking out from the underpass the viewer can see he’s not happy.

(Insert fade out, fade in)

It’s the following morning. The group of yobs we saw are moving down into the underpass in high spirits, holding beer etc. It’s the same shot as the businessman walking into the underpass [almost exact role reversal]. When they reach their spot there are about 20 businessmen, shouting and swaggering with their briefcases. They begin throwing polystyrene cups of coffee at the yobs, who are like ‘wtf man’ and run away.

In all I expect the sketch will take about 25-30 seconds, if that. Constructive feedback most welcome

It reminds me off the style from a few years ago, something like Big Train or Smack the Pony, which I both love by the way.

I like it Lucy, it would make a nice visual.

My main problems with this are a) I'm wondering why I'm still up and b) arguing in my head that NOWHERE is LIKE Milton Keynes oh and c) NOBODY should be in high spirits in the morning. Alternative? Maybe they could drop stuff on him as he passes below them and he transforms into worrisome beast or ... as they run to other side and see him emerge? Don't you just hate it when people change everything!

Haha - thank god nowhere is like Milton Keynes. (Bad pun coming up) it's a real roundabout place.

No. Seriously. I live here.

I think the idea is good but it's very obvious what is going to happen. Maybe disguise it a bit more by making the yobs the central characters and follow them for a bit as they piss people off.

Then it would be more of a shock that the businessmen turn on them.

Hey, good idea, it could be an ongoing thing throughout a show perhaps and the businessmen turning is at the end?

Yeah, just to disguise the punchline. It would be even better if you could disguise it so much that people think the sketches are all about yobs - highlighting the stupidity of what they're doing.

And then - it's got me thinking! - it could move on to the businessmen hanging around at trendy bars and mocking poorer looking passers by.

Sorry if I've gone on a bit too much, just really liked the idea and it got me thinking!

Haha that's a great idea Sort of - the yobbish behaviour passes on. Reminds me of the SNL sketch with Carey in it. The 'What is love one'. WTH, I'll show you... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfu0xAkEVOQ&mode=related&search=

jim carey is fantastic in that sketch. he usually irritates me. and like your idea lucy. agree with stuart that some disguise would help on the reversal

Agree with Stuart that it needs disguising and like his suggestion that the business men act the same way but in their own environment.

BUT I disagree re: amplifying the yobs role. Don't drag it out. For what is basically a one-gag sketch, you need to look at getting it shorter not longer. I think either find a better way to disguise or go down the 'business yobs' idea instead.

One way to disguise and shorten would maybe be to cut the first scene completely and just have the second scene. The whole nub is contained in that.

The comment about 'not a close-up' in your first scene? I've always been told to avoid camera angle and shot description in writing because that's the director's job and not the writer's.

Overall, I love role reversal and I enjoyed.