INT.COSMETIC SURGEONS OFFICE -- DAY

THE SURGEON SITS AT HIS DESK IN HIS SMART OFFICE.

WELL-DRESSED AND SURROUNDED BY THE TRAPPINGS OF SUCCESS HE LOOKS UP AS THE DOOR OPENS.

SIMON, AN EXTRAORDINARILY GOOD LOOKING YOUNG MAN, ENTERS.

SURGEON

Ah! Steven, isn't it? I know your mother very well. We don't see so much of her..is she well?

STEVEN

She doesn't get out so much these days - her knees aren't what used to be.

SURGEON

Of course. Didn't they used to be her ankles? That was one hell of a lift... took three nurses and a trolley jack.

THE SURGEON STANDS UP AND CIRCLES THE YOUNG MAN , STUDYING THE CONTOURS OF HIS FACE, MAKING SAGE NOISES.

HE SITS BACK DOWN

SURGEON

Well, I can see from here that you have your mother's nose...

STEVEN HANDS OVER A SMALL TUPPERWARE BOX HE'S BEEN HOLDING ONTO.

STEVEN

Yes, she'd like it back next week, if that's at all possible

SURGEON

It'll be ready Tuesday. Does she need anything to run around in till then.

STEVEN

No, that'll be fine. She can always borrow Dad's.

SURGEON

So, what can I do, for you? Though, I have to say, I'm not sure what I can do - nature has been very kind.

STEVEN

That's the problem - everyone presumes I've had work done - it's really pissing me off.

HE REACHES INTO HIS INSIDE POCKET AND PULLS OUT A PHOTO

STEVEN

So...I was wondering whether you could make me look like this...

CUT INTO THE PHOTO - A PICTURE OF JEREMY BEADLE.

SURGEON

Blimey. I'm not sure..it would take a hell of a lot of work...I'm not sure where we'd get the material.

STEVEN

Well, I've got quite a hairy arse if that's any help - isn't there some sort of transplant you could do?

SURGEON

Well, it's possible - it'd be a very lengthy and expensive procedure, highly traumatic... and, at the end of it all I can't guarantee you won't just end up looking like an arsehole with a beard...

DOCTOR AND PATIENT BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

THE SURGEON PICK UP HIS PEN.

SURGEON

So, what are you doing this Friday?

How do you guys load stuff (scripts etc) onto the forum? I just cut n'pasted from my screenplay formatting software and it went all aggly. Do you just type straight in, or what?

I know we all live in a strange world, but why would anyone consider having cosmetic surgery?

Surely there must be something in the Hippocratic Oath preventing lipstick from any surgical procedure!

COCK SURE
INT. DAY. A COSMETIC SURGERY CLINIC

BLURRED POV SHOT OF SURGEON TALKING TO PATIENT
Surgeon:
There we are, Mr. Crabbits, you’ll be the talk of the town with your new tackle.
Mr Crabbits:
Brilliant!
Surgeon:
There is one catch, though – you did sign the paper asking for Permahard Priapic penis enlargement, did you not?
Mr. Crabbits:
Yes, yes. The girl on reception said it’d be the best one..it sounded great. What does it mean?

FADE TO MR CRABBITS AT A SUPERMARKET. AS HE SWINGS AROUND TO DROP A TIN OF BIGGA MARROWFAT PEAS INTO HIS TROLLEY HE KNOCKS A CHILD ON THE HEAD WITH HIS COCK. CUT TO HIM AT THE DELI COUNTER.

Mr Crabbits:
Half a pound of Salami please.

AS THE GIRL REACHES DOWN SHE ACCIDENTALLY GRABS HIS NEW COCK.

Girl:
Oh! Sorry.

Mr Crabbits:
That’s quite all right.

FADE TO MR CRABBITS AT THE CHECKOUT..

Checkout girl:
Have you got a Clubcard?

Mr Crabbits:
Yes, of course!

HE REACHES INTO HIS WALLET AND TRIES TO HAND THE CARD OVER. HIS HUGE COCK GETS IN THE WAY. THE GIRL PACKS A MARROW INTO HIS BACK AND HE LOOKS AT HER AND POINTS WITH BOTH INDEX FINGERS.

Checkout girl:
Oh!

Mr Crabbits:
I got it enlarged! I –

Checkout girl:
Checkout 12 to security..Urgent, checkout 12 to security!

FADE TO A POV SHOT OF A PROSTITUTE ADMINISTERING HAND RELIEF.

Whore:
It’s good to give French to such a well endowed gentleman.

Voice of Mr Crabbits:
Thank you.

Whore:
Is there any risk involved?

Voice of Mr Crabbits:
Er..I’m not…oh…

FLASHBACK TO DREAMY FOOTAGE OF GIRL FROM CLINIC ADVISING MR CRABBITS AS HE FILLS IN A FORM.

Girl on reception:
And sign this disclaimer here, in case of any post-op explosion.

Mr Crabbits:
Right ho, sign here yes?

Girl on reception:
Yeah.

Mr Crabbits:
Post op explosion – yikes! Kaboom!

THEY BOTH LAUGH.

CUT BACK TO POV OF WHORE CONTINUING TO GIVE HAND RELIEF.

Whore:
Isn’t post- op explosion most likely to happen when..

HER FACE IS SUDDENLY COVERED IN ALL MANNER OF BLOOD AND GOO.

Whore:
You’re aroused?

CUT

INT. HOSPITAL WAING ROOM. DAY.

TWO GUYS ARE TALKING TO EACH OTHER.

Dave
I don’t know why these people do this to themselves. They go through all that pain just to make themselves look better.

Andy
I know what you mean. Mind you. My gay mate works as a model for catalogues and stuff. He’s had the old Botox injections.

Dave
What, in an attempt to stay looking young?

Andy
No, he’s a bit deaf. He thought the Doctor said “buttocks” so he asked for it all over his face.

Dave
Still, people should learn to love themselves the way they are. I told my wife that she shouldn’t worry about the pressure to look young. Age with dignity that’s what I say.

Andy
So what are you here?

Dave
I’m fed up with her small tits.

Positive Cosmetic Reassurance & JYT <trademark>

SPOOF RADIO/TV ADVERT.

SLICK PRESENTER:
Concerned about your looks but afraid of expensive cosmetic surgery; or simply just can’t afford it? Do you dread folk saying you are ugly or too fat? Ladies, do they call you ‘fried eggs’ to your chest? End the worry now with POSITIVE COSMETIC REASSURANCE!

CUT TO:

COUCH POTATO:
I don't feel like going out, I’m too big and they laugh, anyway I might have a heart attack I’m so fat <sob>

PRESENTER:
Nonsense! You look great, slim and sexy and you're as fit as a butcher’s bitch!

COUCH POTATO (perks up a bit):
But what about the booze and fags, won’t they keep making me fat and ugly, my skin’s like dried shit, like all smokers... and my tits are like jellies...

PRESENTER:
Great news! And “cor, what a pair” may I say… with NEW Positive Cosmetic Reassurance, our Doctors now believe you can smoke and drink as much as you like! No problem! (softly) Your skin is so-o-o-o smooth..

COUCH POTATO (sad again):
Yeah, but will it work for me, I really am a lard arse, my folds of fat have folds of fat...

PRESENTER:
Eat what you like! Chips, burgers, kebabs, ice-cream... it's all great nourishment! You're the picture of health! You're slim, beautiful and will live forever! I fancy you!

COUCH POTATO (perks up more):
Wow, that's great! Thanks!

CUT TO:

PRESENTER (softer voice):
Feeling lonely? Can't cope? Our sister company can help... if you're suicidal, and you're out on a ledge, call JYT... JUMP, YOU TW@T!

FX.
VOICE HIGH UP IN DISTANCE: "I'll jump, you can't stop me!"
A MASSIVE CHORUS OF VOICES FROM BELOW: "Jump, you tw@t!"

PRESENTER (concluding):
Concerned about your Looks? Too fat, too thin? Have a fear of being ridiculed? Get POSITIVE COSMETIC REASSURANCE now!

Lonely? suicidal? Help is at hand with JYT: JUMP, YOU TW@T!

END

INT. CONSULTING ROOM. DAY.

THE SURGEON IS SITTING BEHIND HIS DESK, READING A FILE. HE STOPS AND PRESSES THE INTERCOM BUTTON.

SURGEON. Miss Jones, could you send in Mr Smallcock please?

( THE SURGEON STARTS THUMBING THROUGH THE FILE AGAIN WHEN THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR )

SURGEON. Come in.

THE DOOR OPENS AND A RATHER SHIFTY LOOKING CHARACTER ENTERS, WEARING A RAINCOAT.

SURGEON. Ahhh you must be Mr Smallcock?

MR SMITH. No, Mr Smith.

SURGEON. Ah yes, sorry. Thats just what the receptionist scribbled down when she made the appointment. You`re here about the....... erm

THE SURGEON PICKS UP THE FILE AND STARTS TO READ IT.

MR SMITH Penis enhancement operation.

SURGEON. Of course. Please sit down.

MR SMITH ( SITTING DOWN ) Thankyou,

SURGEON. So Mr Smith, if you dont mind me asking, what makes you believe you have a problem in that department?

MR SMITH REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND PULLS OUT A PHOTOGRAPH, WHICH HE HANDS TO THE SURGEON. THE SURGEON LOOKS AT IT QUESTIONINGLY, THEN BACK AT MR SMALLCOCK.

SURGEON. I seeeee....

MR SMITH ( NODDING ) I know, i was 14 before i realised i didn`t have two belly buttons.

SURGEON. Yesssss it is rather small ( suddenly perking up ) Still, its nothing we can`t fix, with a little tweak here, and a pull there.

MR SMITH. I dont know, i`ve been tweaking it and pulling it for the last 25 years, and i`m still hung like a baby gerbil. So how much will the operation cost doctor? Because if you charge by the inch....

SURGEON. No no, we cater for all incomes here Mr Smallcock, i mean Mr Smith. In fact, at the moment we are offering our clients a three tiered service, consisting of the deluxe enhancement, the intermediate enhancement, or of course, the budget enhancement service.

MR SMITH. And they are?

SURGEON. Well, with the deluxe enhancement, what we do is completely remove the penis, and replace it with a synthetic substitute. Which comes complete with an 8 inch rotating shaft, jelly like texture, and 4 replaceable heads which are stored conveniently in the scrotum.

MR SMITH. Really? that sounds fantastic.

SURGEON. Oh it is, as a matter of fact i have just had the operation myself.

( THE SURGEON STANDS UP TO REVEAL, A REVOLVING BULGE IN HIS GROIN AREA. ACCOMPANIED WITH THE APPROPRIATE BUZZING SOUND )

MR SMITH. Brilliant! and how much is that?

SURGEON. £15.000.

MR SMITH. ( SHOCKED ) £15.000!...i dont suppose you do a layaway scheme?

SURGEON ( SITTING BACK DOWN ) I`m afraid not, no.

MR SMITH. And the intermediate?

SURGEON. Well, the intermediate is basically its the same procedure, except we replaces the customers genitals with a horses cock!

MR SMITH. A horses cock eh? i cant imagine i would have much trouble pulling with one of those swinging between my legs.

SURGEON. Indeed Mr Smith.

MR SMITH. Or pulling a couple of carts, and a derby winner come to think of it! And how much would that cost?

SURGEON. £5000.

MR SMITH. ( DISAPPOINTED ) I see, and what about a donkey?

SURGEON. ( SHAKING HIS HEAD ) I`m sorry no.

MR SMITH. Well i guess that just leaves the budget service, how much is that?

SURGEON. Oh its very reasonable, only £9.99, including aftercare.

MR SMITH. £9.99 eh? ( STANDS UP ) brilliant, i`ll take it.

SURGEON. ( SLAMS A CUCUMBER DOWN ON THE DESK ) There you go, just shove that down your trousers, and make sure you never shag anyobody with the lights on.

MR SMITH. ( SMILING ) Thanks very much.

( MR SMITH PICKS IT UP, SHAKES THE DOCTORS HAND AND LEAVES. THE SURGEON SITS BACK DOWN AND PRESSES THE INTERCOM BUTTON )

SURGEON. Miss Jones, could you send in Mr face like a badgers arse, please?

Comp closed, voting open. As Jesus once said, I'll be back in three days.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ October 10, 2007, 2:15 PM

Comp closed, voting open. As Jesus once said, I'll be back in three days.

View original

I vote for this one.

Lazzard please.

I did have to read it twice (in fact i read everyone's twice) but it really made me laugh!

I vote for Frankie Rage - hilarious! Although, i do not think you need the last presenter line. Or, it could be modified and made a little shorter. Other than that great!

Wildjesusfishkid my vote goes to.

Lots of good ones this week. I vote Lazzard though.

I vote for ellie.

Dale Griffiths