Please be kind. This is the first bit of 'comedy' I've submitted. Please don't be afraid to be constructive though.

Teenage girl, bit chavvy, sat in the lounge reading celebrity magazines. Pile of magazines on the table, Dad walks in, picks one up & sits down to look through.

Dad: Who's that girl?

Daughter: Which?

Dad shows daughter the picture.

Dad: That one, the one with a dog in her handbag.

Daughter: That's Peaches.

Dad: Peaches?

Daughter: Yeah, she's called Peaches.

Dad: No sweetheart, not the name of the dog, the name of the girl.

Daughter: That is the name of the girl, she's called Peaches Geldof. Oh my God Dad, you're so un-cool.

Dad: Peaches? Where's the other one?

Daughter: The other what?

Dad: The other Peach. One person can't be a multiple surely. That's like U2's The Edge being called The Edges or if I wasn't married to your mum & referring to myself as Mr. & Mrs. Jackson, I'd be locked up.

Daughter: (tuts) It's just Peaches innit. She's allowed a different name, she's a celebrity. Celebrities are different than normal people.

Dad: Celebrity? So what does she do then?

Daughter: What?

Dad: What's she famous for? Why's she famous?

Daughter: She's just famous. Her parents are famous so she is. She doesn't do anything.

Dad: How does that work then? I'm an accountant but that doesn't make you one.

Daughter: Oh Dad, shut up. You're so embarrassing. She's called Peaches & she doesn't do anything now will you drop it.

Dad: So she's a bit like a rotten apple?

Daughter looks up at her dad.

Dad: She's a useless fruit.

FIN.

Hi there.

Welcome to critque.

Not the worst thing I've read here. It's a good idea but needs a little work.

A few more real "gags" are needed along the way I would say.

The punchline is a little lame in my opinion.

Punchlines are key to sketches and I think we all struggle at times. My best sketches come from having the punchlines first and then working backwards.

A little formatting issue.

Its ENDS at the ends not FIN.

Hope this helps and look forward to seeing more in due course.

I appreciate the feedback. I must be the only person however to consider 'Not the worst thing I've read' a compliment. I knew it was a bit weak before I posted it. It's the first sketch I've ever written & I hadn't drafted it or anything. I was & still am just looking for more feedback though. Cheers.

The problem, to me, is that this skit just states facts, rather than playing with those facts for comic effect. You've hit the nail bang on the head with regards what Peaches Geldof "is", but you need to pass comment in some way.

Hi Paul,

it's a good idea, but it took too long to get to the punch.

Maybe trim out the unnecessary dialogue and throw in some more ridiculous celeb-offsping names like Moon-Unit, Paris, Maddox etc.

I'm no expert and if someone else gives advice that contradicts, please feel free to ignore.

ps 'Not the worst' is a compliment!

Angie - do tell me you made Moon-Unit up

No... Frank Zappa's daughter. Middle name 'Unit'.

Quote: bigfella @ November 5 2009, 9:08 PM GMT

Hi there.

Welcome to critque.

Not the worst thing I've read here. It's a good idea but needs a little work.

View original

Any clues as to which, in your view, is the worst?

One of my own

Take your pick!

Quote: bigfella @ November 5 2009, 10:03 PM GMT

One of my own

Take your pick!

View original

Awww, don't knock yourself, leave it to other people!

Instead of:

Dad: So she's a bit like a rotten apple?

Daughter looks up at her dad.

Dad: She's a useless fruit.

you might try:

Dad: Okay, but I will say one good thing about Peaches.

Daughter looks up at her dad.

Dad: Nice pair.

Daughter hits Dad with the magazine.

I quite like that Roodeye but it's gonna be difficult to make a strong ending to a weak sketch. I do appreciate the advise though, it's given me lots to work with. That's the last time I try to make people laugh!!

Quote: Paul Shepley @ November 6 2009, 7:26 PM GMT

That's the last time I try to make people laugh!!

View original

NO!!!!!

I first thing I posted on here got panned.

I reworked it a bit and it got interest from a production company.

In the early days you get it right about 1 time in 10. Once you've improved it goes up to 2 in 10.

How old are you Paul Shepley?

I'll never stop tryin to make people laugh. I'm 25 but I've just in the past 6 months started writing funny stories & things, this was my first try at a sketch. The support in this forum has been fantastic actually. I thought I'd be banished. I'm currently trying to work out if I'm 'man down the pub' funny or 'funny' funny. I think & hope I'm the latter.