hey guys. i stopped writing this script as i wasn't very happy with how it was turning out. however, after getting word that my original script for this series had made it to the semi finals in the PAGE international screenwriting awards. i didn't think my script would make it this far but my script is now in the top 25 in tv sitcom category. i'd like to thank the few of you who replied to my original posts about this script who's ideas helped make the script what it is. anyways, i thought i owed it to my self to try to write another one. so here it is, the first ten pages of the second episode: "The Graffiti". Please let me know what you guys think.

ACT ONE
SCENE A

EXT. OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL – DAY
BEN and Alex are standing out side the school. They’re waiting for someone.

ALEX
Maybe he’s not coming.

BEN
He’ll be here, trust me.

Suddenly ROY comes tearing around the corner on his bike. He appears to be riding a girl’s bike. He skids to a halt.

ALEX
Is that a girl’s bike?

ROY
When you called I didn’t have time to get home, so I confiscated a little girls bike.

BEN
You stole a little girl’s bike?

ROY
Desperate times call for desperate measures. So what’s the emergency?

BEN
Well, we were walking by the school, minding our own business when we saw someone break into the school.

ALEX
We new we had to call someone and we immediately thought of you.

ROY
There’s an intruder inside the school?

ROY pushes himself against the wall and peers through the window.

ROY (CONT’D)
You boys were right to call me. Have you alerted the authorities?

BEN
Well yeah, but they could be a while.

ROY
True. Looks like I’ll have to go in my self. You boys stay out here, this could get ugly.

ALEX
We wouldn’t think of it.

ROY takes a deep breath and then kicks the door in screaming and runs into the school.

ALEX
Have we gone too far?

BEN
Probably… But it’s Roy.

ALEX
Good point.

Just then a police car pulls in. Two cops come it with they’re guns drawn.

COP
Is the perp still inside?

BEN
Yeah. Be ready, he looks pretty dangerous.

The cops move into the school.

ALEX
So… what should we do now?

BEN
Homework?

The both start laughing and walk away. The cops come out of the school dragging
ROY.

ROY
It’s not me, I swear! The real intruder is still in there!

A little girl comes over and kicks ROY in the shin.

GIRL
Jerk!

She takes her bike back and rides away.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE
SCENE B

INT. HALLWAY - DAY
BEN, ALEX and LENNY are sitting at a table in the hallway. BEN is staring at his shoes.

BEN
How long have you had your shoes Alex?

ALEX
Hmmm… A year and half.

BEN
A year and half? Wow, that’s great craftsmanship. I’ve had these shoes for two months and look, I already have hole in one.

LENNY
Let me take a look.

BEN
What?

LENNY
Let me see.

LENNY grabs BEN’s foot and pulls it up to the table. He starts examining it closely.

LENNY (CONT’D)
Uh huh, here’s you’re problem. Bad cross stitching. If you want I could fix them after I hem my socks.

ALEX
You hem you’re socks?

LENNY
Well what do you do when you get holes in you’re socks?

ALEX
Buy new ones.

LENNY
Not all of us are made of money

The bell rings. BEN, ALEX, and LENNY get up to go to class. LENNY yawns as he gets up.

ALEX
What was that?

LENNY
What was what?

ALEX
You just yawned didn’t you?

LENNY
So, I’m tired.

ALEX
How long did you stay up last night?

LENNY
I don’t know… eleven o’clock.

BEN
That yawn was way too big for eleven o’clock. Judging by that yawn I would say you were up till about twelve thirty, maybe even one.

LENNY
So what if I was?

ALEX
You don’t stay up until one o’clock, you’re Lenny.

BEN takes a good hard look at LENNY

BEN
Oh my God… I think he hooked up.

ALEX
No way, did you?

LENNY hesitates.

ALEX
Oh my God, he did hook up.

BEN pats LENNY on the back.

BEN
Thata boy Lenny.

BEN, ALEX and LENNY get to Math class and sit down.

LENNY
You might want to hold off on the congratulations for now. I got the feeling she didn’t really enjoy it.

BEN
What happened?

LENNY
Well, we were making out and then everything was going fine. Then suddenly she just got up and said she had to leave. I don’t know, maybe I’m making too big of a deal about this.

ALEX
Hey, have you ever had to leave in the middle of making out?

LENNY
Good point.

BEN
He’s right. Somewhere during the tango of the tongues you missed a step and dropped her on her ass.

LENNY
I don’t think I did anything wrong. In fact, when she got up it was after I tried Alex’s move.

ALEX
(defensive)
There is no way it was my move that turned her off. That move is tried and tested, it never fails. You must have done it wrong.

LENNY
I did it exactly how you showed me.

BEN
What is this move anyways?

CUT TO:

ACT ONE
SCENE C

INT. SCIENCE CLASS - DAY
ALICE and BETH are sitting in Science class talking. ALICE is flicking her tongue back and forth rapidly.

BETH
Ewwwww… That was his move?

ALICE
Yeah. I couldn’t take it any more, I had to leave.

BETH
I don’t blame you. I don’t want a guy who treats my mouth like a maraca.

ALICE
It’s not that big of a deal.

BETH
It’s a huge deal. Good make out sessions are the key to a good relationships.

ALICE
Last I checked it was good communication.

BETH
Last I checked you were dating Lenny. Trust me, you need my help.

ALICE
Look, it’s not like I’m going to break up with him over this.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE
SCENE D

INT. MATH CLASS - DAY
BEN, ALEX, and LENNY are sitting in Math class talking.

ALEX
She could break up with you over this.

BEN
She’s not going to break up with him.

ALEX
Of course she will. Good make out sessions are the key to good relationships.

BEN
Isn’t that good communication?

ALEX
No, I’m pretty sure it’s making out. Look Lenny, it’s only a matter of time before this girl realizes she could do better. One wrong move of the tongue and she could be sucking face with someone else. You need to keep this going Lenny. You’re a trailblazer. You give hope to the rest of your kind.

LENNY
My kind?

BEN
Losers.

LENNY is about to object, but begrudgingly agrees with BEN.

ALEX
Don’t worry Lenny, I’m going to help you out. Alice won’t know what hit her.

MR. HARVEY comes in laughing hysterically.

MR. HARVEY
Oh my God… outside… graffiti… so funny… c’mon, come see this!

BEN
So we’re not doing any work?

MR. HARVEY
Na, I forgot the assignments anyways.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE
SCENE E

EXT. OUTSIDE SCHOOL - DAY
MR. HARVEY is leading BEN, ALEX, LENNY and rest of the class outside.

BEN
I’d like to say this was the weirdest way I’ve started my school day off.

ALEX
I wonder what the hell this graffiti is.

LENNY
It must be pretty good. It takes a lot to perk Mr. Harvey up.

BEN notices ALICE and BETH talking through the window. He runs up and knocks on the window. ALICE comes over and opens the window.

ALICE
What the hell is going on out here? Are you guys looking for treasure or something?

BEN
Mr. Harvey says there’s a hilarious piece of graffiti outside. We’re going to go look.

ALICE
Oh, why didn’t you say so? Beth, lets go.

you know guys, you don't have to read the whole thing and write a whole page about my script. a quik glance at it and a few lines of feedback is all i ask. it would really help. thanks.

First of all, you wrote something instead of poisoning a river or committing a racially motivated crime, and that's an achievement.

But you preface your script with the information that you didn't like it and gave up on it, so what makes you think anyone else is interested in your admitted failure?

I can see why you gave up: It's dull. It was a good exercise in dialogue but there's nothing extraordinary or funny about it.

The location is at a school: That is a great big yawn. The characters are teenagers (strike 2) and none of them stand out as personalities.

Also, most of us shrink at the thought of reading 10 pages of anyone's script here at BSG---and more so when it's prefaced as an abandoned project due to the author's dissatisfaction.

You write well. You show promise.

If I were you I would focus on shorter material such as sketches and/or shows for radio. Can you name a single sitcom that was made from the script from someone who has had no experience in the industry? Get your experience from shorter material; make a name for yourself as a writer as it is unlikely you will make your name as an unknown who bolts from the blue with a winning sitcom idea that actually gets produced.

Not saying to stop developing sitcom ideas/scripts; just saying you might wanna also start writing things you can actually sell and which will help establish your reputation. Your chances are better if your material is shorter.

I can also see a novelist in you. Better you to write a novel if you get a hankering to write things longer than sketches rather than waste your time and energy on sitcoms (at this point in your young life).

It seems most (if not all) sitcoms are commissioned from within; they are not sought from outside---but even if there were, they would be sought from established writers with actual credits. Get those credits from sketches. You can do it.

Quote: Skibbington von Skubber @ August 7, 2007, 10:09 AM

Also, most of us shrink at the thought of reading 10 pages of anyone's script here at BSG---and more so when it's prefaced as an abandoned project due to the author's dissatisfaction.

If I were you I would focus on shorter material such as sketches and/or shows for radio. Can you name a single sitcom that was made from the script from someone who has had no experience in the industry? Get your experience from shorter material; make a name for yourself as a writer as it is unlikely you will make your name as an unknown who bolts from the blue with a winning sitcom idea that actually gets produced.

View original

I'm afraid I totally disagree with Skubber. Some of us can read as well as write and if you bothered to delve into the story and think at who it’s aimed for, you would appreciate it more. It’s a teen sitcom and yes, schools have been done time and time again. Why is that? Oh yes, it’s because they work! As long as you approach it with a fresh idea and take on board its a life of a teenager (show for teenagers), then it will work.

As for abandoned project – you are a harsh critic and perhaps a perfectionist, but perfectionists seldom make a most of their talents as they cling onto scripts too long. Release the script into the sea of life and see who takes a bite!

I thought it was an excellent 'teen' sitcom on a par with Powell and Byrne. The dialogue was excellent and story contemporary but most of all, funny. I laughed at the script, for all the right reasons and the scenes were not overly long (which is crucial in teen sitcoms).

What I would like to know is where does it go from here? Both the plot and your project.
A+

Quote: Batman @ August 7, 2007, 11:18 AM

I'm afraid I totally disagree with Skubber. Some of us can read as well as write and if you bothered to delve into the story and think at who it’s aimed for, you would appreciate it more. It’s a teen sitcom and yes, schools have been done time and time again. Why is that? Oh yes, it’s because they work! As long as you approach it with a fresh idea and take on board its a life of a teenager (show for teenagers), then it will work.

As for abandoned project – you are a harsh critic and perhaps a perfectionist, but perfectionists seldom make a most of their talents as they cling onto scripts too long. Release the script into the sea of life and see who takes a bite!

I thought it was an excellent 'teen' sitcom on a par with Powell and Byrne. The dialogue was excellent and story contemporary but most of all, funny. I laughed at the script, for all the right reasons and the scenes were not overly long (which is crucial in teen sitcoms).

What I would like to know is where does it go from here? Both the plot and your project.
A+

View original

thank you very much Batman, i appreciate your responce. should have been a little more specific. this isn't an abandoned script it's a new script. i wrote the script a few months ago but was very unhappy with it. so recently i totally rewrote it. same story and all, just with new dialogue and a different approach. it's turning out quite well and i'm already up to 25 pages. thanks for your replies guys. positive or negative i always appreciate it when people take the time to read my script.