Am trying to change my sketch writing style.
Have only been writing perverted stuff so far so am attempting something 'normal' what do you think?

JANE IS STANDING IN A QUEUE WAITING FOR HER BUS.

DIRTY OLD TRAMP ENTERS THE SCENE AND STANDS ON JANE'S LEFT SIDE.

TRAMP:
Waiting for a bus love?

JANE:
What gave it away, the line of people standing around or the sign with bus stop on it? What other reason do you think a girl would have for standing around on a street corner? Go away.

TRAMP:
Spare a pound of a cuppa?

JANE:
No! Get lost.

TRAMP:
How's about 50p then?

JANE:
No! You're not getting any money off me you filthy individual, move along and take your resident insect colony with you.

TRAMP:
20p then, that's my final offer.

JANE:
I don't want to buy you, silly person now just get lost and stop pestering me.

TRAMP:
10p then?

JANE:
Alright, alright…if I give you 10p will you promise to move along and stop bothering me?

TRAMP:
God's honour miss.

JANE GETS HER PURSE FROM HER HANDBAG THEN HANDS THE TRAMP 10 PENCE.

JANE:
Just don't spend it all on drugs.

TRAMP:
Thanks miss, you're an angel.

TRAMP SHUFFLES AROUND BEHIND JANE THEN STANDS ON HER RIGHT SIDE

TRAMP:
Spare a fag miss?

JANE:
No I don't smoke, is this what you call moving along? Just moving to the other side isn't moving along idiot, now PISS OFF!

TRAMP:
What about a cat? I'll accept a cat.

JANE:
Are you an alien? Whatever makes you think I would happen to have a spare cat with me? Leave now or I shall call the police, I have a mobile phone you know.

JANE PRODUCES HER MOBILE PHONE FROM HER HANDBAG AND WAVES IT IN THE TRAMPS FACE.

TRAMP:
I'll settle for a kitten then, not one of those Siamese ones though, they just look stupid, a nice furry one will do.

JANE:
THAT'S IT! I warned you, you demented little grotty person.

JANE DIALS ON HER MOBILE THEN PUTS THE PHONE TO HER EAR.

JANE: (CONT'D)
Yes I would like to report a filthy person, the weirdo won't leave until I give him a cat. I'm at a bus stop at…Oh, alright then...(TO TRAMP) Apparently the gentleman on the phone knows you 'Wobbly Joe' wants to have a word.

JANE HANDS THE PHONE TO THE TRAMP

TRAMP:
No...no...no,no,no. Give me a duck...No a DUCK...What about a goldfish then? No I don't like parrots, noisy bastards...Ok then I'll settle for a puppy. (TO JANE) He wants to speak to you.

JANE ACCEPTS THE PHONE FROM THE TRAMP AND WIPES IT WITH A KLEENEX BEFORE PLACING IT TO HER EAR.

JANE:
What? No I'm not doing that, that's just silly and embarrassing, there are people here and...you're positive that's the quickest way to get rid of him?

JANE SIGHS, PUTS HER MOBILE INTO HER HANDBAG THEN PEERS EXCITEDLY INTO THE HANDBAG. SHE APPEARS TO CAREFULLY REMOVE AN INVISIBLE ITEM FROM THE BAG.

JANE: (CONT'D)
Oh look Wobbly, I have a litter of puppies in my bag, forgot all about them. Here you go a nice little cuddly puppy just for you Wobbly, isn't she cute?

TRAMP:
She's a he and he's ugly.

JANE:
Oh...never mind lots more in here, how about this one then?

TRAMP:
Ahhh, thanks miss that's a lovely one.

WOBBLY JOE TAKES THE INVISIBLE PUPPY FROM JANE THEN WALKS OFF STROKING HIS IMAGINARY PUPPY.

MAN IN QUEUE:
You cruel, evil bitch! Should be reported, what kind of sick and twisted person carries around a litter of puppies in their handbag?

END

Hey, not sure about the ending but I really like the sketch on the whole. Very Python esque. Would be funny if the imaginary puppy ran into the road and the tramp followed getting hit by a bus. Just a thought. Nice sketch though.

Thanks Matt, I am a huge Python fan so I suppose that influenced me a bit.
Agree about the punch line, always think of the sketch first then think of the punch line later which I hear is totally wrong but have never had a problem with that until this sketch. Took me hours to think of a punch line this time and yes, I think it's a bit weak too.

Can see the tramp as a Marty Feldman irritating pest character, which is fine. But I have to say that Jane's dialogue is horrible. There is too much of it for starters, and it sounds forced and unnatural. I would play down her reaction, have her more embarrassed than indignant. The ending did not quite work; the idea of the rest of the world being mad is fine, but I would look for a less-is-more spin on it. Maybe have the embarrassed Jane smile and roll her eyes at the man (tell us something about him to establish normality, e.g, late middle aged, pinstripe, briefcase), the man smiles back, Jane feels obliged to say something about how strange the tramp was, the man replies, yes, the first puppy was much cuter and then starts making a fuss over the imaginary puppy. Something like that.

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Very funny, hey_nonny. Unlike Timbo, I don't think the sketch is Pythonesque - it's more 'hey_nonnyesque'! You have a certain style.

Quote: Timbo @ April 10 2009, 12:56 PM BST

But I have to say that Jane's dialogue is horrible. There is too much of it for starters, and it sounds forced and unnatural. I would play down her reaction, have her more embarrassed than indignant. The ending did not quite work; the idea of the rest of the world being mad is fine, but I would look for a less-is-more spin on it. Maybe have the embarrassed Jane smile and roll her eyes at the man

View original

With respect, Timbo - I suspect Jane's dialogue is deliberately long. It is not a fault made by a lot of writers on this forum, i.e. needless padding. If you were to cut or edit her dialogue, it would kill the character in my opinion. For example:

TRAMP:
Waiting for a bus love?

Jane goes right off on one with the long:

"What gave it away, the line of people standing around or the sign with bus stop on it? What other reason do you think a girl would have for standing around on a street corner? Go away."

The Tramp totally ignores her tirade and comes up with the short, sharp:

"Spare a pound of a cuppa?"

There is no way that Jane should be embarrassed - she loves altercations with 'filthy individuals' - and Tramp loves goading snobs. The Tramp is probably delighted getting Jane uptight - a cuppa or whatever is a bonus!

As for the ending, hey_nonny; I think it goes on a bit after 'JANE HANDS THE PHONE TO THE TRAMP'. I haven't got any definite thoughts on that at the moment. Might have another look later, after I've f**ked the wife. (2 minutes)

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Thanks Morrace. I did get a bit carried away with the tramp no,no,no stuff.
Half way through writing I started imagining the tramp as being Jim Trott from the Vicar of Dibley, couldn't get it out of my head.

Didn't want to get too visual either like having a bus run over people so I could possibly adapt it for radio at a later date.