THE PORN GOBLIN
1. INT. HOME OFFICE. NIGHT.
A YOUNG BLOKE (STEVE) IS SAT WORKING ON HIS PC IN THE HOME OFFICE. HIS GIRLFRIEND (TRACEY) POPS HER HEAD ROUND THE DOOR.
TRACEY:
Right love I'm off to bed. You should knock off soon, it's late.
STEVE:
Yeah I know, I will. Night.
TRACEY BLOWS HIM A KISS AND EXITS. STEVE LEANS BACK IN HIS CHAIR, RUBS HIS EYES AND YAWNS.
SUDDENLY THERE'S A GUST OF WIND AND THE "TING!" OF A LITTLE BELL. STEVE LOOKS UP TO SEE A PIXIE SAT ON THE OTHER CHAIR NEXT TO THE COMPUTER TABLE.
A FULLY-GROWN MAN – PIXIE. WITH A HAT SHAPED LIKE A COCK.
PORN GOBLIN:
(JOLLY IRISH ACCENT) Hello there!
STEVE YELLS IN FRIGHT.
STEVE:
Jesus!
PORN GOBLIN:
Shush don't yell, for in your fright
You'll wake her up, you noisy shite!
STEVE:
Who…who are you?
PORN GOBLIN:
I'm known by many names it's true
But Porn Goblin will do for you.
STEVE:
Porn Goblin? I…I don't understand. What do you want?
THE PORN GOBLIN OPENS A SCROLL AND READS FROM IT.
PORN GOBLIN:
The fairy land has just decreed
That every man must spill his seed,
Yes every man of woman born
Must chuck his muck to filthy porn.
HE POINTS TO THE PC.
STEVE:
Internet pornography? Nah, you've got the wrong bloke mate. I don't believe in all that, it's degrading to women. And anyway, I've got a gorgeous girlfriend upstairs, why would I need to look at that sort of thing?
PORN GOBLIN:
Oh come now Steve, she'll never know!
Just have a fiddle down below,
Now rev that little willy motor
And then I'll have me daily quota.
HE RUBS HIS HANDS IN GLEE.
STEVE:
Quota? What do you mean? Are you saying you have to get a certain amount of blokes to…do that…before you're allowed to knock off for the day?
PORN GOBLIN:
In that assumption you're correct
Now quick, get Mr Soft erect!
STEVE:
No! I won't do it.
PORN GOBLIN:
(SADLY)
Then all my children shall not eat
And I'll be cast into the street,
And end up selling the Big Issue
(BITTERLY) 'Cause you won't squirt into a tissue.
HE BURIES HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS AND BEGINS TO SOB, HIS COCK-HAT WOBBLING TO AND FRO.
STEVE:
Hey don't cry, shush… oh…alright alright I'll do it!
PORN GOBLIN:
(LOOKING HEAVENWARD)
God be praised, your love is vast!
He's going to knock one out at last!
STEVE UNCOMFORTABLY CLICKS ON A DIRTY WEBSITE. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF DIRTY WOMEN MOANING, AND HE STARTS MOVING HIS HAND RYTHMICALLY BENEATH THE DESK.
STEVE:
I'm not happy about this you know…
PORN GOBLIN:
Shut your gob and burp your worm
And then I'm done and can go home
STEVE:
That doesn't even rhyme.
PORN GOBLIN:
Shut up. I'm knackered.
SUDDENLY TRACEY WALKS IN. THE PORN GOBLIN DISAPPEARS WITH A "TING!"
TRACEY:
Steve, what's that noise? I thought I heard...(NOTICING, FURIOUS)…what the Hell ...is that porn?
STEVE:
You don't understand….It's…goblin…
TRACEY:
I can see that!
END SKETCH
