I've never tried stand-up before, but I thought I'd give it a bash having read a few recent efforts on here and been inspired.

Be gentle...

(I walk out with cream on my lips...)

Mmm, paedophilia, a little taste of heaven…

Sorry, I mean 'Philadelphia, a little taste of heaven' (pull out packet of Philadelphia)

I'm dyslexic you see, and it's an easy mistake to make. But it's a real problem though. Me and my mate, you see, we like to set each-other these little challenges: yesterday I texted him with a challenge to spend all day clapping. He replied setting me the same challenge but with 'winking'. Course I misread it, and yeah, I thought it said, well, yeah you've guessed it, 'paedophilia'.

I'm joking, I'm joking, I haven't really had intercourse with a small boy, don't be silly. Yeah, we're just taking things steady at the moment.

Of course not, sheesh, taking it steady, what!? Yeah, he's a dirty little bitch I shagged him on the first date.

I didn't, I didn't – first date, honestly, have you heard you lot! There was no date, he's locked in my cellar.

No, I'm not really into kids but what I do like is a meaty lady. Fellas, give us a shout if you like the chunkier woman… I do. Mmm yeah, I love everything about them: the way their calves just 'become' their ankles. I love their chubby trotter arms, their fat ears, the ever-so-slightly moist folds in the back of their necks, ooh yeah. Other men have trouble finding their girlfriend's clitoris – I've never seen my missus' knee.

The thing is, you can't tell a woman you like the fact that she's fat, so you have to be subtle, you know, tell them in other ways, positive ways; you have to show them that their obesity, their chronic lack of exercise, persistent perspiration, halytosis, a daily food consumption level comparable to say, that of a medium-to-large size principality, and resulting increased chance of heart disease and untimely death, are actually a good thing, cos otherwise she just won't believe you.

So what I like to do with my girlfriend – and you can try this Sir – is wait til she's asleep – you can get her off to sleep any way you like – and then draw a little face on her belly to show how much you love it. I like to do Mr Miagi, then you can use her, you know, as a goatee beard. But you know, play around fella, think outside the…well, you know what I mean, just have fun with it! Then you do the mouth with her belly (I reveal my own pre-drawn Mr Miagi belly) – "There is no such thing as a bad student – only a bad teacher."

I know what you're thinking – lucky lady.

But people put my weird bedroom tastes down to my messed-up parents, but that's simply not true. My dad – he's a great man. He's a doctor, in fact, and he loves nothing more to help people. He joined that organisation, 'Medecins Sans Frontieres', or 'Doctors without Borders, or limits' to translate. And it's true, he really doesn't have boundaries in his work; he's shagged helpless landmine victims, sold crack to orphans…

And my mum's lovely, though sometimes I pull her up for being xena-phobic. Course, she claims to have nothing against Warrior Princesses.

No you see the real reason for my odd fetishes is Children's TV. You see, I loved kids TV, but it's only when you get a bit older when you realise how f**ked up it was back then. I've got this theory that kids TV f**ked us all up. I'll give you a few examples...

Anyone remember 'Woof'? There was that lad would become a dog and then when he'd change back he'd have no clothes on...

In the middle of a park...

At night.

And 'Why don't you?' – remember that, presented by kids? I know paedophiles who took that as an invitation.

Then there was 'Trapdoor' – that's now been banned in Austria, course.

And that f**king 'Clarissa Explains it All', well, she didn't did she? She never explained why our kid brother Gary would come out in a rash every time he came back from uncle Eddy's, or why mum used to cry herself to sleep every night while dad was out with his mates from Dance club.

So ladies, a little tip for you, next time you're a bit scared about what weird shit a guy might wanna get you doing when he gets you home – there might be someone in the audience tonight who takes your fancy; have a look around - just casually ask him what his favourite kids TV programmes are:

The Smurfs? He's gonna gang rape you. One smurfette and all randy little blue fellas, come on…

Chuckle brothers? He's gonna shag your kids. With his brother.

You sir (pick youngish guy), may I ask your favourite?
(To his partner, whatever he says.) He's gonna shag your kids. Come on, he shouldn't have a favourite kids' TV show at his age, should he?

Lacks a bit of cohesion perhaps, but is it funny?

Hi Stu,

My wife's the chair of the local W.I. and they're looking for a turn for a dinner dance in March. What do you charge?

It read very much like a stand-up act all right but for me it was a somewhat risqué to say the least. I think that were this attempted to be performed then the performer might very well struggle with its rather earthy content to be honest.

Haha cheers fella.

I've maybe been watching too much Saddowitz and the like.

It was never my intention to do risque stuff; I suppose it just came out. Maybe I should question myself deep down, first and foremost...

Quote: Stu R @ February 4 2009, 8:05 PM GMT

Haha cheers fella.

I've maybe been watching too much Saddowitz and the like.

It was never my intention to do risque stuff; I suppose it just came out. Maybe I should question myself deep down, first and foremost...

View original

God help us if you ever *do* turn your attention to to the risqué.

*Faints and has to be revived with smelling salts*

I thought this was bloody good. Quite a lot of pedo jokes, but they are funny so it's ok.

I think it's trying a little too hard to shock, if I'm honest. Too many paedo jokes (I'm not against them, but it's over-reliant on them, which I think will tire an audience). The gags are nicely constructed.

But I don't think this could ever fly as a routine for a newcomer. You probably wouldn't be able to get through it.

Hmmm fair point Antrax about the newcomer thing.

On the 'trying to shock' note: I agree that people doing that is annoying, but I like to think that the gags a little cleverer than pure filth gags, i.e. they are either wordplay (philadelphia) or topical (Trapdoor) or use some other construction that mean they don't merely rely on them being 'about' paedophilia and thus necessarily sick (the last one).

I certainly never decided upon a theme first. Though I've just decided to call the show that I'll never have at Edinburgh:

'Talking Absolute Nonces'

Maybe I should tone down the first quarter or so - I suppose that bit might defy my above argument.

Feedback much appreciated, ta very much.

This is brilliant, although no unestablished performer would get away with it.

I find myself between the camps (ooer).

Technical points:

Start is very good IMO, I'd be tempted to add a line along the lines of "I can't believe you feel that strongly about cream cheese" on the inevitable reaction to the first line to allow some people to 'get it' before the reveal.

The flick-flack between yes I did/no I didn't is too long. Once works the rest are just irritating.

The tone is too consistently agressive. Jimmy Carr, who is an established comic who gets away with this sort of stuff, leavens it with some self-depracating material. Sadowitz is also not continuously confrontational if I remember correctly, although I haven't seen him very often, and not for a while.

Less Technical points:

I also felt it seemed to be trying too hard to be edgy. Yes the jokes are cleverer than average, but without the paedo (rape, fat bird) angle they would not have the impact. Use this too often and the effect dissipates. The fat bird stuff is not really to my taste (insert own joke about paedo stuff being to my taste), but is also risky. The point about being known is relevant because if the audience feel they know you they go along with boundary pushing if not, they may just think you're a twat (rightly or wrongly).

I don't want to sound too negative as there is some really good stuff in there, but with such an alienating voice it gets lost for me and could lead to some uncomfortable experiences.

Cheers fellas, particularly Ponderer.

So the consensus is that it's trying too hard to be edgy. So what's the solution?

I see 3:

1) I use Pond's brilliant "I can't believe you feel that strongly about cream cheese" tact and maintain innocence and naivety throughout the act, i.e. being fat genuinely is good, my dad really is kind, it's all Children's TV's fault that I'm f**ked, 'Trapdoor's been banned in Austria for some reason - I know not what'.

In this instance, I suppose, it's the audience who are the sick ones and not me.

2) I shoehorn some cudlier, less edgy stuff in there to diffuse the vulgarity.

3) I stick to the day job.

Yeah I think self-deprecating's a good way to go, Pond.

Help needed muchly fellas on this, cause I'm seriously considering doing this set at an open mike night somewhere.

Quote: Stu R @ February 5 2009, 5:14 PM GMT

On the 'trying to shock' note: I agree that people doing that is annoying, but I like to think that the gags a little cleverer than pure filth gags, i.e. they are either wordplay (philadelphia) or topical (Trapdoor) or use some other construction that mean they don't merely rely on them being 'about' paedophilia and thus necessarily sick (the last one).

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Well, I'm not sure the Trapdoor gag is all that topical (and it's one of the least convincing ones), and it seems to me that in most cases the laugh is from the wrongness/shock - yes, the Philadelphia one is a pun, but I'd argue the main gag of the joke is that you're deliberately saying/doing something 'wrong', not the pun itself - the pun explains the joke, rather than providing the laugh (to explain a bit better - there are many ways to do a paedophillia/philadelphia pun that aren't getting the laugh from shock - something like: "kicked the shit out of this guy cos he said he was into paedophilia - turns out I'd misheard and he'd actually said philadelphia. Though why he wants to shag cheese I've no idea...", though worded a bit better, obviously, that's just off the top of my head - but the reason it feels a little like it's trying to shock is that you've put it into a deliberately shocking context. As I say, the laugh isn't really about the pun.)

But that's a quibble. Doesn't really bother me, as I love the odd paedo joke...

The jokes are good, but there are a few problems with doing them all in one routine. One, is that sticking so heavily to any single subject is inevitably going to get boring, regardless of whether it's a risque subject or not. As it is, this is far too focused on one area (with a lot of shock comics, they do spread themselves about a bit - one about paedos, one about rape, one about murder, etc.). And that leads on to problem two. You can probably get away with the odd paedo joke in a routine if it is based in something clever, like the philadelphia pun. But if you have loads, regardless of how clever they may be, it starts to look like the performer is thinking paedophilia is inherently funny, and that isn't going to get the audience on side (it's the reason I thought it was trying to shock). I think an audience hits a tolerance level for this sort of joke quite early.

Not least because you'll lose people quite early on. I used to open with a paedo joke - albeit one that was actually a gag about a particular piece of bureaucracy that mentioned it in passing than a joke about paedos - and some members of the audience went the moment the word paedo passed my lips. It didn't matter that the joke wasn't at the expense of abused kids. The word loses people. One or two at most, then get out and talk about something else.

All of which means that I think this will die in a club, and a particularly awkward, hostile and uncomfortable death. New comics just aren't given the freedom to perform this, no matter how decent the material is. For the love of god, don't try this routine as written at an open mic, because it could put you off and you've clearly got ability. Certainly, I can't see the opening gag working as an opener.

Cherry pick a couple, try to leaven it with jokes on other subjects (other f**ked up kids TV, for example).

paedos, fat girls and kids TV...

I know this sill sound harsh, but to me it reads like open spot material 100 other open spots are doing.

There's something potentially there in drawing on your sleeping girlfriend's tummy. But the rest won't win you any fans - apart from other perennial open spots who think the purpose of stand-up is to be as offensive as possible and who actually take delight in upsetting punters because they think they're sticking it to the man.

This is meant to be helpful.

oh, and don't script talking to the audience. Just worry about getting your material right first.

I think talking about one subject is fine as long as you make it interesting and entertaining.

Quote: jdubya @ February 7 2009, 11:15 AM GMT

I think talking about one subject is fine as long as you make it interesting and entertaining.

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To be fair, I think that's true (there's a damn good stand up routine somewhere nline that is seven minutes of jokes about Bacon). But I think to pull it off, it needs to be a strong subject, or you need to be really experienced.

Oh, and agree about scripting speaking to the audience being a bad idea...

That was Stu-pid