Seen a few of these recently on here (Standup scripts). I haven't done one before so I just had a stab. It's quite different and needs a different thought process. But as Leevil said I had a fun having a go.

*************************************

Don’t you hate it when one of those hoodies comes up to and says menacingly “Give’s a few quid pal!” I used to get scared but now I hand them over a dummy fiver that I always carry with me everywhere just in case, and say “OK but double or quits mate” and here’s the clever bit. When they’re thinking “What’s this guy on about?” I’m legging it off up the street shouting “f**k off you tosser!” to them over my shoulder.

It’s a piece of piss! Not one of them has the sense to carry one of those ultra violet forged note readers with them so they never cotton on until I’m a few hundred yards up the road. Pratts! Typical - cutting corners every time. No wonder they’re losers and I'm a big success.

People always want your money or they’re hassling you to buy something off them. I always think that if I’d really wanted it I’d know about it already; that’s why I bought a set of encyclopaedias at the start of the internet boom.

Because I wanted them! Nothing to do with the salesman who sat in my house until 3.00am. Anyhow, I was at a loose end that night. I wanted somebody to talk to. And by signing on the night I got a 50% discount.

Now who looks stupid? Him or me? I was going to sleep on it and buy them the next day. So he’s cut his own throat there.

They're made redundant by Google you say?...Google my arse. When was the last time you showed guests the lovely binding on Google eh? Exactly!

Alan Sugar that’s the way to do it though. Sell people shit and make a fortune into the bargain. Yeah and how come you never see Alan Sugar and Sid James in the same room?

What? What?

Oh yeah! Alan Sugar’s always in helicopter, a limo or a boardroom or something and Sid’s…Sid’s dead now that’s why!

I know you’ll scarcely credit this but I’m old enough to remember the yuppies in the eighties. A bunch of self-serving, braces-wearing, greedy and grasping bastards. You couldn’t hope to see a bigger bunch of up their own arses dickheads anywhere. No there’s no punch line. It’s just an observation of mine.

Ooops there’s the hook coming on so I’m about done here. You've been scary and I've been cacking myself

hmmm I liked that, if it was performed with the right sort of energy it would prove to be very funny idd... I love the opener actually.

Random and funny!

Blenkinsop, I liked a lot of that. I thought of a line. '...I'm legging it off up the street shouting 'f*** off, you tosser!' That's the only language they understand. Well, not the only language...obviously they understand Bulgarian or Romanian...
I loved the ' never seeing Alan Sugar and Sid James in the same room' - great gag. (I'm not sure you need to say all the stuff about Sugar before the tag. Do you think it's in the way?)
All the buying encyclopaedia stuff was good, too...Garry Shandling/Bob Hope style, I thought.

very good I have a hard time visualising most standup stuff but I enjoyed this well done mate. Personally I'd lose the bot abouth the hook but apart from that top dollar man

personally... If I find a stand up funny reading it... it means its going to be very funny performed so well done... again

I thought it was good too.

Don't you hate it when someone does a good standup routine online?

Haha! I loved it! I agree with David as i didn't think stand up could work well without it being performed. I loved the bit at the beginning about the guys asking for money! VERY funny!!

Thanks very much Ladles and Jellyspoons.

If I'd known I was going to go down that well then I'd have stayed on until I ran out of ideas.

Here's one you might like.

This Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and Welshman....

Ah but no.

Charlie I think you're probably right about the lead up to Alan Sugar; without it it's neater and less cluttered.

B

LOve it, Blenks, needs a lot of energy. Maybe you could develop the routine about Alan Sugar really being Sid James, mixing up Sid James' laugh, Kenneth Williams and both their catchphrases.

I thought it was pretty good too. Agree with others w.r.t the Alan Sugar lead-up ... I think one needs to be a bit careful with current 'National Institutions' (although all the rest are fair game! And we've all had those persistent salesmen ... and you got rid of your's at 3 a.m ... almost a record!

Thanks Fred and Mike

Glad you liked this

I liked it alot you could add some lines like when you are tlaking about the dummy fiver you could say something like 'you can get them down the market for only £6, bargain.' I would also announce that you are going to do some 'topical' material or say something like 'kids these days and then talk about yuppies. I liked it.

Thanks AJP pleased this went down well

Actually, w.r.t stand-up (which I quite fancy having a crack at me-self one o' these days) I think (doesn't mean I know) it's probably a question of writing loads of 'top-of-head' material then just (!) ripping out (or otherwise) the bits that do or don't fit a particular gig. Tune it on the fly so-to-speak. I dunno ... actually I know nuffink!

Nevertheless I still think it's pretty good!

Thats exactly it Mike. At the moment I have 6 solid pages of stuff that I think is funny and write down. Some stuff works some doesn't.