Hi guys, just wondering if anyone would be willing to read this longish sketch and provide me with feedback. You can be as harsh or as nice as you like, just really need an insight to see if it works at all. THANKS!

JASONo where did you last see her in the airport?

CHRISuty free- buying some tonic water.

JASON:Right.

CHRISQUICKLY) But no gin.

JASONk, buying tonic water but no gin.

CHRIShe doesn't like gin. It tastes like paint stripper she says.

JASON: Right so apart from the tonic water does she have any other
distinguishing features?

CHRIS: Well she also had some butterscotch in her handbag. But she
loves them so she's probably eaten them by now.

JASON:Butterscotch.

CHRIS: Yes. Butterscotch.

JASON: Right, well thanks for all that information.
Rachel,can you come over here please?

(PAUSE)

Now, I need your help. I'm looking for a woman, aged 86,
carrying tonic water-

CHRIS: (CUTTING IN) And she has blue eyes. Well blue eye actually. She
only has one. She's 90% deaf so won't hear any announcements.
Umm what else…she's got one leg, oh! And a weird hand. It kind
of bends, down, permanently, and her index finger is shaped like
a hook.

JASON: Ok Rachel, we're looking for an 86 year old deaf peg leg cyclops
with a hook for a hand. You could say she's armed and dangerous.

RACHEL: Was she carrying Butterscotch?

JASON: (SIGHS) Yes apparently this is one her more distinguishing
features.

RACHEL: Right, well she just got on a plane to Ibiza.

CHRIS: What?!

JASON: What?

(PAUSE)

RACHEL: (INNOCENTLY) What?

CHRIS: She got on a plane to Ibiza?

JASON: Why Ibiza I wonder.

CHRIS: How does an 86-year-old woman end up on a plane heading for
Ibiza? Can somebody tell me that?

RACHEL: Not really, she just looked like she knew where she was going.
So we didn't stop her.

CHRIS: (ANGRY) Did nobody check her ticket? Or her Passport?!

RACHEL: Noooooo, we don't always do that. Depends on how busy we are and
if we want to go home early.

CHRIS: Are you being serious?

RACHEL: Yes why, is that not normal procedure where you work?

CHRIS: (VERY ANGRY) NO!

JASON: (FALSELY TRYING TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION) Obviously this time the
checks didn't happen, in certain situations and in various
scenarios we have to do that. Rachel, this time round, felt it
was necessary to not check the ticket to ensure the smooth
running of the airport.

CHRIS: Are you being serious? Surely this is some kind of set up?

JASON: I can assure you it is company policy. Our first priority has
to be the airport and the running of it.

CHRIS: So the customers are not your first priority?

JASON: Not really…….if anything they delay us.

CHRIS: Delay you?! The reason we're in this mess is because you haven't
dealt with this properly and now you're rushing people through
onto planes, one of which has one bloody eye! Where is the
management here? Who is the manager?

JASON: I am.

RACHEL: (SNIGGERS)

CHRIS: If you're the manager, you're responsible for everybody in this
building.

JASON: Well not everybody. The cleaners for example, they're none of my
business.

F/X:BING BONG

ANNOUNCER: Attention please. Attention please. We have a missing passenger
who needs to be reunited with his family. His name is Andy and
he's 23. He has black teeth, a tattoo of a skull on his left
arm, a scar down his left cheek and a colostomy bag.

CHRIS: Oh fantastic, now my brother is missing.

Long, confusing & unfunny. Sorry.

G'day Jenuff. There are some good ideas in this; I like the family you've created, for example. That said, this is too long with too few laughs. There's no real sense of mounting tension, and the pay-off is a bit disappointing. It also tries to cover too much territory; the relative subtlety of the ill-managed airport and the absurdity of the oddball gene pool clash. And (being pedantic now) if Andy has disappeared, they wouldn't announce it unless Chris has asked them to; alternatively, if they are announcing that they've found a passenger who needs to be reunited with his family, Chris wouldn't say "he's missing", because he's actually been found. Tis only minor, though.

Another thing: please set the scene at the start - I only figured out the person being discussed was Chris' grandmother about half-way through. Just write [INT. AIRPORT. DAY.] or something at the top, and identify your characters.

Sorry to be critical; as I said, this shows potential. Anyway, my post is a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black. Use your best ideas, re-write the scene (or break it down into a couple of different skits), and re-post - I look foward to reading it.

Cheers guys, like I said, keep it as harsh as you like I am new at this!

I didn't like it much, but then I was reeling with dissapointment that it wasn't based on Greek Mythology.

I like the idea of butterscotch carying being the most distininguishing fature of a 86 year old deaf peg leg cyclops with a hook for a hand.

I thought this showed promise. But it does not read like a sketch, it is more like a scene from a sitcom.

A sitcom based around an airport is not a bad idea actually, except that after Terminal Five you would have difficulty competing with the farcical reality.

That script would be the perfect filling in a shit sandwich.

Jenuff, being new to the site you may not have encountered frostyboy before. I should explain that he is a retard, though you may already have gathered that.

Timbo have no fear, I've encountered worse individuals than 'Frostyboy' (what an excellent name! hmmmm.....). Anybody with critcism is fine, I'm more than happy to hear it. As long as it is not laced with borderline abuse.

Frostyboy, what have you written that is so fantastic? Because now I just think you're a five star dickhead. :-)Seems you're a popular man on here. Have many friends in real life?

Timbo, Eggie and Tommy, really appreciate the comments, something to work with and build up new stuff. Thank you!

Hi Jenuff

I thought that this was well written but as others have said it doesn't really read as a sketch - more like an excerpt from a sitcom or comedy drama or something like that.

In its current form it hasn't too many laughs but it does have a light touch, style and feel overall.

It would be interesting to see more of it within its context as I'm assuming it isn't intended as a stand alone piece

Hiya, thanks for the feedback. At the mo, I have some really good ideas, but I have trouble executing them in a simple and straightforward way. I think it might be case of running before I can walk with this sketch and putting too many ideas in one piece.

I liked it although there could have been more laughs.
I don't mind the length, Little Britain do long sketches like in the book shop ones.

Quote: bushbaby @ September 8 2008, 10:27 AM BST

I don't mind the length.

View original

Let's just stick to the sketch, shall we?

You've got a lot of good ideas in there. Thing is they're all sort of mangled together and cancelling each other out.

The rush through security airport, and the distinctive missing person are both great ideas.

n.b. Bussel that's not what you said at the meetup.

Quote: sootyj @ September 8 2008, 11:23 AM BST

You've got a lot of good ideas in there. Thing is they're all sort of mangled together and cancelling each other out.

The rush through security airport, and the distinctive missing person are both great ideas.

n.b. Bussel that's not what you said at the meetup.

View original

You guys are far too witty for me haha