Ok, first scene from a sitcom I worked on a while back. It had some interest, but that has wained, so would really appreciate the comments for a make-over.

It's hard to tell from just one scene, so am happy to post the rest if it's not deemed a waste of time.

It's set in a night-club (called 'Bar Horizontal') and it's Ray's first day working there.

SCENE 1. EXT.INT. NIGHT CLUB - DAY

WE ARE WATCHING AL (A MIDDLE AGED NIGHTCLUB OWNER) IN THE ALLEY BEHIND A NIGHTCLUB DEEP IN DISCUSSION WITH A VERY DODGY LOOKING MEXICAN IN A SOMBRERO AND PORN-TASH. AL IS COUNTING OUT SOME MONEY. BEHIND THE MEXICAN IS A LARGE CRATE OF TEQUILA. AL HANDS OVER THE MONEY. THEY SHAKE HANDS. THE MEXICAN SMILES SHOWING HIS DIRTY TEETH.

INSIDE, THE NIGHTCLUB IS DESERTED. RAY ENTERS AND LOOKS AROUND. RAY IS TWENTY ONE AND DRESSED SMART CASUAL. HE IS CARRYING A SMALL RETRO SPORTS BAG. HE WANDERS OVER TOWARDS THE BAR, AS HE PASSES THE KITCHEN DOOR THERE IS THE SUDDEN SOUND OF A CAT SCREECHING.

RAY GOES OVER TO A DOOR NEAR THE BACK OF THE CLUB AND KNOCKS. THERE IS NO RESPONSE, SO HE TRIES THE DOOR – IT IS OPEN. JUST AS HE ENTERS THE OFFICE THE BACKDOOR OPENS AND AL WALKS IN CARRYING A LARGE CRATE.

AL: Umphf.

RAY: Hi – Sorry, the door was open…

AL: Hi, Ray isn't it? The new guy? Welcome to my office. Can you give me a hand with this?

RAY: Sure.

HE GOES OVER AND GRABS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CRATE.

AL: Great.

AL LETS GO OF THE CRATE, BRUSHES HIS HANDS TOGETHER.

AL: Just put that over there will you?

AL POINTS TOWARDS THE CORNER AND GOES BEHIND THE DESK,
WHILE RAY SAGS UNDER THE SUDDEN UNEXPECTED WEIGHT, FALLING FORWARD SLOWLY ONLY STOPPED BY A HANDY CHAIR IN FRONT OF HIM THAT TAKES THE WEIGHT OF THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CRATE.

RAY: I just wanted to say thanks for taking me on, it's a great opportunity,

AS RAY IS TALKING, THE CHAIR IS SLOWLY TIPPING OVER UNDER THE WEIGHT AND AL IS PRE-OCCUPIED WITH LOOKING AT SOME PAPERS ON HIS DESK. THE CHAIR PAUSES ON THE BRINK OF FALLING. AL LOOKS UP.

AL: What?

RAY COLLAPSES OVER THE CHAIR IN A CRASH OF BOTTLES. RAY JUMPS UP FROM THE BOTTLES.

RAY: You see I'm the lead singer of a group called ‘Dirt Box' and if you ever need a resident club band,

AL: (IGNORING RAY, CUTS HIM OFF) Actually there will be fine.

RAY LOOKS DISAPPOINTED THAT AL ISN'T LISTENING. AL SHUFFLES SOME MORE PAPERS.

AL: I'm trying out a new supplier for my Tequila, mucho cheap. (LOOKS UP) Bring me one of those bottles will you? I'd like to try some.

RAY: Ok!

RAY TAKES ONE OF THE BOTTLES AND GIVES IT TO AL, WHO TAKES A GLASS OUT OF HIS DRAW AND POURS SOME TEQUILA INTO IT. HE THEN SITS DOWN HOLDING THE GLASS.

AL: So you're the new barman.

AL LEANS BACK AND PUTS HIS FEET UP ON THE TABLE. AFTER A COUPLE OF UNCOMFORTABLE AND UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPTS TO CROSS HIS LEGS HE RESTS HIS FEET ON THE EDGE OF THE TABLE, FLEXING HIS LEGS. AL SWIRLS HIS DRINK AROUND IN HIS GLASS

RAY: Yes. And I was just saying I'm in this band…

AL CUTS HIM OFF AS THOUGH HE HASN'T HEARD HIM.

AL: Ok, you better start learning the rules of Bar Horizontal. The Horizontal rules if you will. (LOOKS AT RAY FOR A RESPONSE TO HIS JOKE, BUT GETS NOTHING) First and most important, no drinking of the club's beers, spirits or any alcohol of any kind. (COUNTS THEM OFF ON HIS FINGERS) Secondly, no giving out free drinks to friends. Thirdly, any public display of nipples of any kind is forbidden.

RAY: No alcohol, free drinks or nipples got it. Mine or others?

RAY GRINS NERVOUSLY

AL: (BIG OVER-THE-TOP LAUGH AND THEN STRAIGHT FACE) Ha, Ha. You're funny, I like that. (NODS) Yes I do…

LONG PAUSE.

AL: (SUCKS IN BREATH) But this isn't a laughing matter (RAY NODS) No nipples Ray. We don't have the license.

RAY: Ok. (RAY NODS AGAIN). About my band…

AL: (IGNORING RAY) I hope I've made myself clear. I like you Ray, (BEAT) you remind me of my wife at your age. (RAY LOOKS WORRIED) I'm thinking you won't let me down.

AL LEANS BACK IN HIS CHAIR AND TAKES A BIG DRAUGHT OF THE TEQUILA.

AL: Now… Whoa! This tequila is…

LOOKS AT HIS GLASS AND SUDDENLY HIS LEGS GIVE WAY MID FLEX AND HE DISAPPEARS UNDER THE TABLE.

RAY: (RUNNING OVER TO THE DESK) Al?

AL: (VOICE FROM UNDER THE DESK) Hmmmm… (THUMPING SOUNDS) I seem to have lost the use of my legs. But only the legs. That's an improvement on last time.

RAY: Can I help?

AL: Go to the bar. Newman will show you the ropes.

RAY: Ok…

RAY MAKES TO WALK OFF AND AL'S VOICE STOPS HIM

AL: Oh, and Ray – be a champion and pass that bottle of tequila down here please.

RAY PASSES DOWN THE BOTTLE

AL: Thank you, now go!

RAY WALKS TO THE DOOR HESITANTLY. PAUSES, LOOKS BACK AT THE DESK WHERE THE SOUNDS OF AL MUMBLING IS EMENATING…

AL: (MUTED) Mmmm… toxic…

RAY SLIPS A CD OUT OF HIS BAG AND PUTS IT ON THE PILE OF POST ON THE SIDE BY THE DOOR AND LEAVES. THE CD HAS ‘DIRT BOX' WRITTEN IN MARKER PEN ON IT.

First thing that strikes me is that there are way too many directions. I can see they're carefully thought out with what's in your head, but you need to chop a lot of them.

Secondly, you need more jokes. There's wry humour in there, but it's reading more like a drama/play at the minute.

I think it's quite promising though. You're on the right track.

I also noticed that the stage directions are far too detailed. Keep them sharp.

The plot seems to be that the episode will be revolving around Ray's first day. I'm never too fond of this sort of plot. Seems like too much of an obvious introduction. Best to hit the ground running - have Ray being an established member of the club. Mind you, didn't do Rising Damp any harm.

Have you cut your 'psychic high five' gag from this version? I was never keen on that.

A good read but light on laughs.
Agree that the First Day scenario is rather cliched.
I would avoid 'You're funny' lines. The audience will decide that!

Hmmmm, some good points there.

I quite liked the paciness, and you've got a nice linking gag with the tequilla turning up in about 3 jokes
.

Oddly I'd buck the trend and say I don't think it's joke light.

But in 2-3 pages I know far to little about the main protagonists.

DISCLAIMER: I know, I'm not qualified to give a professional opinion, but as I like the script I'm potential audience, and noone has mentioned the following as yet. Feel free to throw me out, if I talk rubbish.

On first reading and even more so on the second, the fact that it is Ray's first day seems way overemphasised. One gets it very quickly and is then annoyed when it is explained twice or thrice after that. Lines like "So you're the new barman?" or "The new guy?" appear a bit unnatural, especially as the information they give is already contained in the rest of the dialogue (for example Al explaining the bar rules) and in actions.

I guess that those are the spaces where the jokes demanded in other comments could be inserted without adding length or taking anything away from the plot.

I'm humbly retreating to General Discussions now.

If you've got a brain, and and internet connection then your opinion is vlaid. In many ways more valid.

You make good points. The Simpsons episode where Homer joins the navy has an excelent running it's my first day at work gag.

And that kind of gag is very easy to parachute in.

No problem as far as I am concerned about it being Ray's first day. Having a new arrival is a good way to set the scene without having characters telling one another things they should already know. But agree with Finck that you labour it. Is this supposed to be some sort of mental tick on Al's part, that he repeats the obvious? It slows the scene down and puts too much space between the gags. The set up to 'nipples' is too long as it stands. Or looking at it another way this part of the scene is too short. If Al's is going to labour over a list of three items you should really be aiming to get three jokes out of it. At any rate, having introduced Al as a character who both Ray and the audience are meeting for the first time you should be doing more to establish him. Incidentally Ray is not alone in not getting the 'horizontal rules' gag. Like the ending of the scene.

To answer your questions - no, yes, no, no and yes, maybe. To be honest, this isn't cleverer than it seems, what you see is what it is, so the faults pointed out are valid.

This was my very first attempt at a sitcom, and it's good to be able to see all the points made above myself now. The rest of the sitcom is a similar style and I think I can use the critiques on this scene to clear up the rest, when I feel the need to reanimate it (*saves them to a word document*). It may not be worth posting more scenes up here until that's done...

P.s. Finck, I'm frankly shocked and appalled that you have ventured out of the General Thread and into here, and to exaserbate that by posting as well... for shame, Finck, for shame.

Just echoing others really:

Too many stage direction - there was more direction than dialogue.

Too much clunky 'You're new here AND THIS IS IMPORTANT TO THE STORY' type stuff.

It was also light on laughs. If I'm being honest I could see any attempts at humour. But that was hindered by the length action descriptions.

I think a night club sitcom would have legs though, so don't ditch the idea.

Liked it a lot.

Agree with some re. directions. E.G. the direction 'A VERY DODGY LOOKING MEXICAN IN A SOMBRERO AND PORN-TASH. THE MEXICAN SMILES SHOWING HIS DIRTY TEETH.' could just read 'A VERY DODGY LOOKING MEXICAN' -leave it to casting, make-up & costumes (they know what a DODGY LOOKING MEXICAN looks like) - plus it's easier to read.

Also some of the dialogue needs pruning, e.g.
__________________________________________________________________________________

AL: Hi, Ray isn't it? The new guy? Welcome to my office. Can you give me a hand with this?

BECOMES:

AL: Hi Ray, the new guy. Give me a hand?
__________________________________________________________________________________

Got an edit if you wanna see it.

Quote: Winterlight @ August 2 2008, 12:25 AM BST

I also noticed that the stage directions are far too detailed. Keep them sharp.

The plot seems to be that the episode will be revolving around Ray's first day. I'm never too fond of this sort of plot. Seems like too much of an obvious introduction. Best to hit the ground running - have Ray being an established member of the club. Mind you, didn't do Rising Damp any harm.

Have you cut your 'psychic high five' gag from this version? I was never keen on that.

View original

It's always a bit clunky, but one of my pilots has a 'first day' type plot but you have to disguise it.

Quote: Morrace @ August 2 2008, 7:06 PM BST

__________________________________________________________________________________

AL: Hi, Ray isn't it? The new guy? Welcome to my office. Can you give me a hand with this?

Becomes:

AL: Hi Ray, the new guy. Give me a hand?
__________________________________________________________________________________

View original

Why would he say 'the new guy'? That's just as clunky and unnecessary.

Quote: Timbo @ August 2 2008, 6:55 PM BST

But agree with Finck that you labour it. Is this supposed to be some sort of mental tick on Al's part, that he repeats the obvious?

View original

I was tempted to suggest that Al ask "So you're the new guy?" again after the Tequila incident. But that seemed a bit obvious.

Feel free! Tighter dialogue is good. Yep, Morrace, would be good to read your edit - can you PM me?