EXT. FRONT DOOR OF HOUSE. DAY.

An Ancient MONGOL warrior approaches the door and rings the bell. a MAN answers the door.

MONGOL:
Good morning sir. We are conquering in your area and would like to give you one of these.

The MONGOL warrior hands him a leafet.

MONGOL: (cont).
If you start your account today. I can offer you half price on subjugation.

MAN:
I wasn't thinking of changing overlord.

MONGOL:
We offer full after sales support. We provide a twenty four hour rampage call out, an online virtual marauder, should you have any non-emergency issues out side of warring hours. Plus a free family ticket to Genghis World.

MAN:
A lot of trouble though, all the forms and so forth.

MONGOL:
No trouble. We'll notify your present overlord and we can also arrange transfer of your direct tributes.

MAN:
Are a lot people signing up?

MONGOL:
We've actually just completed a ransack on the property next door.
They were very happy with the results.

MAN:
I'll have to think it over.

MONGOL:
Just call the number on the leaflet when you're ready. And remember, sir. When it comes to empire building: Can we provide great value without compromising on service?. Yes we Khan.

END.

I like that, has a Monty Python feel. But it seems that everything a read I have the voices of Gleese and Palin in my head!

You could, if it was set in time, cut to next door neighbours being forced out by soldiers. Pots being thrown out of windows. Flames etc after the line "They were very happy with the results" makes the line "I'll have to think it over" stand out more.

Quote: Yogi @ 25th August 2015, 1:20 PM BST

You could, if it was set in time, cut to next door neighbours being forced out by soldiers. Pots being thrown out of windows. Flames etc...

View original

A reveal like that would be good. Nice idea, Yogi.

For me, the ending should be:

AS THE MONGOL WALKS AWAY, PULL BACK TO INCLUDE THE NEXT-DOOR FRONT GARDEN IN WHICH THE NEIGHBOUR'S WIFE IS BEING CARRIED DOWN THE PATH KICKING AND SCREAMING ON A MONGOL'S SHOULDER.

THE NEIGHBOUR IS WAVING HER GOODBYE.

CUT BACK TO ORIGINAL MAN.

MAN (SHOUTS): All right. I've decided!

ENDS.

V good . Thought the original lacked an ending but opening it up is great. Maybe going back to first house, guy signs papers straight away and is hit over the head immediately with a big club.

Quote: Rood Eye @ 25th August 2015, 4:03 PM BST

For me, the ending should be:

AS THE MONGOL WALKS AWAY, PULL BACK TO INCLUDE THE NEXT-DOOR FRONT GARDEN IN WHICH THE NEIGHBOUR'S WIFE IS BEING CARRIED DOWN THE PATH KICKING AND SCREAMING ON A MONGOL'S SHOULDER.

THE NEIGHBOUR IS WAVING HER GOODBYE.

CUT BACK TO ORIGINAL MAN.

MAN (SHOUTS): All right. I've decided!

ENDS.

View original

Quite old school, but this is definitely a better ending. I like some of the set-up a lot, but it did fizzle out somewhat.

I agree, it is a bit "take my wife...please but will always get a laugh.

I think the last gag is a soft way out, might work better this way. Get's Rood's idea in too.

MAN:
Are a lot people signing up?

MONGOL:
We've actually just completed a ransack on the property next door.
They were very happy with the results.

CUT TO: Neighbours house, post ransack. Pots flying out of windows, soldiers marching out the front door etc.

CUT TO:
MAN:
I'll have to think it over.

CAMERA PULLS OUT FOR WIDE SHOT OF SCENE, action happens over MONGOL'S next line: The last soldier out of the door is carrying a woman, a man appears with a huge grin, smiling. Looks over to our man and smiles. Big thumbs up.

MONGOL:
Just call the number on the leaflet when you're ready. And remember, sir. When it comes to empire building...

MAN:
Where do I sign!

Thanks for all the feedback and suggestions. I agree with the overall consensus that it fizzles out, so need to look at the end. Rood's ending does make for a solid punchline but it's way too end of the pier for me. I'll re-write this with all comments in mind. Thanks again everyone who took time to comment etc

Pleasure mate...I like this constructive and honest platform that you guys have created here. makes me want to write something and get your opinions.

It's a good idea and I like the relationship between the 2 characters, especially how the customer is just disintereted.

The only thing is the punchlines out in the first exchange and then it's just a back and forth.

I'm thinking maybe it needs a twist at the end, or at least Kahn to be getting panicked.

That he's on comission only and he'll have to burn his own home down and rape his own wife?

Quote: sootyj @ 26th August 2015, 10:12 AM BST

That he's on comission only and he'll have to burn his own home down and rape his own wife?

View original

This

Quote: sootyj @ 26th August 2015, 10:12 AM BST

...then it's just a back and forth.

View original

This is definitely the main issue.

That he's on comission only and he'll have to burn his own home down and rape his own wife?

Some escalation is in dire need. I like the idea very much. Maybe offers a free trial and hits him in the face with a club?

Now how about PPI? Pillage Promised Imediately!

Quote: sootyj @ 26th August 2015, 2:27 PM BST

Now how about PPI? Pillage Promised Imediately!

View original

That could be the next sketch when the Mongol has moved on to telly sales because he wasn't getting the commission from door to door.