Hi Everyone,
If anyone has the time to read the first scene of a dramedy I've been working on I would very much appreciate it and would love your feedback! I'm looking to polish it up to enter into writing competitions or perhaps approach agents with (although at 21 I really have zero idea how to go about doing that!)
Thanks (apologies for the length)
Orchard Boy
By Ranald Nisbet ©
Pilot: "A Fun Time Evening"
Characters:
HARRY:- Well meaning quieter member of the group, confused about his sexuality and a little shy.
EZRA:- Down to earth and cool, permanently in a relationship.
CONNOR:- Resident space head and follower of Stuart.
STUART:- Tall dark and handsome, father figure of the group with endless amounts of confidence.
HAYLEY:- Ezra's girlfriend, well meaning and friendly but the butt of many jokes.
POPPY:- Harry's love interest, cute and cheerful but with dark sense of humour.
[Scene One]
[Scene One]
Int. HARRY's bedroom. CVURCHES "We Sink" is playing loudly and HARRY is dancing in his pants around the room as he gets changed. He jumps and hops around the room, at one point falling over trying to put a t-shirt on inside out by putting his head through the head hole and pulling it down.
Cut to Int. STUART's bedroom. STUART is putting on aftershave and looking at his abs in the mirror. He checks for a good thirty seconds, tensing, smiling, then smouldering, then growling, then clicking and pointing at himself in the mirror and slapping his own stomach.
Cut to Int. EZRA's bedroom, he tries to get out of bed but HAYLEY pulls him back down and kisses him, the giggle and roll around. HAYLEY gets up and EZRA pulls her back down and unclips her bra.
Cut to Int. CONNOR's bedroom. CONNOR pulls all the socks off of a clothes horse and puts them in 2 piles of random socks and begins pairing only odd socks.
Cut to Int. Bathroom, camera focuses on bathroom mirror, we see HARRY washing his face and drying it. He leans in and checks his teeth trying to pick out a blemish. Camera follows him into the hall where he runs into CONNOR.
CONNOR
Wow slow down there little lady, what's your hurry?
CONNOR grabs HARRY and dances with him round and round in a fast sort of waltz.
HARRY
Connor, get off!
CONNOR
Why?
HARRY
Every morning...
CONNOR
I'll let go if you make me coffee.
HARRY
Every morning.
CONNOR
Yay! Thank you!
CONNOR twirls HARRY away and goes into the bathroom, Camera follows HARRY downstairs into the kitchen living room where EZRA and HAYLEY are eating breakfast.
HARRY
Morning
HAYLEY
Hey!
EZRA
Mhm
HAYLEY
Why are you such a grump in the morning?
EZRA
Mhm
HAYLEY
EZ!
EZRA
What?
HARRY
Coffee?
EZRA
Mhm
HAYLEY
Please!
HARRY begins making coffee in a top loader coffee machine.
HARRY
Ezra have you got that 10 quid you owe me for dinner the other night? [no response] Hey Ezra have you got that one million Canadian dollars you said you'd give me for Christmas 1992? [No response] Hey Ezra do you wanna take advantage of new marriage laws and run away together to start a dog farm up north? [no response] Ezra? EZRA?
HAYLEY
Babe my boobs are out.
EZRA
No they're not.
HARRY
Dude wake up its nine thirty!
EZRA
Nine thirty is so un-holy.
HAYLEY
We've already had sex this morning...
HARRY
Didn't need to know that.
HAYLEY
How are you so tired!
EZRA
I used all my energy already.
HARRY
You want pancakes?
EZRA
Are you going to make them for me?
HARRY
No, but Hayley might.
HAYLEY
Hayley will pour you a bowl of shop brand chocolate o's?
EZRA
Okay.
Stuart Enters.
STUART
Morning guys!
EZRA
Mhm
STUART
What's up with him?
HARRY
He had sex this morning and now he's tired.
STUART
Hard life you lead bro, is there enough coffee for me?
HARRY
Yeah loads no worries.
HAYLEY
Anyone else want cereal while I'm here?
HARRY
Now you're sure you don't fancy making us all pancakes?
STUART
OOhh pancakes would be so delicious for a Friday morning treat?
EZRA
Stop trying to make Hayley make you breakfast.
HARRY
But we're so hungry!
STUART
Yeah dude, she shags you, so that's how she pays you back for the heating and electricity and the space on the sky box she fills up with re runs of real housewives and gossip girl...
HAYLEY
Hey!
STUART
What do we get out of it?
HARRY
And I share a wall with you two and your headboard banging against it makes it hard to get to sleep.
HAYLEY
Christ fine I'll make pancakes.
HARRY
Nailed it. [high fiving Stuart]
CONNOR enters talking to someone on his ipad
CONNOR
So she threw up on it? [person replies, we can't here as he has earphones in and is talking excitedly] Nah way like there's no way that's true [to everyone else] Sam says Blowjob Karen threw up on Jamie's dick in Garage. [to the phone] Why can't I tell them? They don't even know Blow Job Karen [pause for response] Okay sorry, Blow Job Katie.
HARRY
Blowjob Katie threw up on Jamie? That's class.
EZRA
Probably not for Jamie, imagine trying to wash Blowjob Karen's spew out of your pubes.
CONNOR
No, blowjob Katie's spew [to phone] I'm not talking to you. Right I've got to go [pause for response] Yeah love you too mum!
HAYLEY
How does your mum know blow job Karen!?!
CONNOR
Katie.
HARRY
Blowjob Katie, just Katie is actually pretty nice.
HAYLEY
This isn't normal.
EZRA
They're f**king with you babe.
STUART
Whose f**king with EZ's babe? Don't be mean to babe she means a lot to him! Was it you Harry? You know babe's sensitive! [kisses Hayley on the head on his way by] Sorry babe they didn't mean it they're just silly boys.
EZRA
Ha ha ha Stu.
HAYLEY
[Smugly] You're just pissed because he doesn't call any of you nice names
CONNOR
He does
HARRY
[Putting his hand up] Schnoocums
STUART
[Hand up] Sweetie
CONNOR
[hand up] Sugar tits
Hayley looks at EZRA confused as if to say "are they f**king with me again?" EZRA shoots a glance back that says "yes"
CONNOR
So is anyone else going to mention the incessant thumping from Harry's room this morning?
STUART
[while making cereal] What thumping?
HARRY
Nothing. [embarrassed]
EZRA
Hayley counted three separate occurrences of the "thumping".
HAYLEY
Four actually. [jostling with Stuart to get milk for cereal]
CONNOR
Four times!
HARRY
No, not four times, anyway it's none of your business.
STUART
Oohhhhh, is it because of that thing you were chatting about yesterday?
CONNOR
[Excitedly] What thing, what thing, what thing?
HARRY
No things, there are no things here.
EZRA
Not surprised, after four times in an hour it must have fallen off.
Only Hayley laughs at the joke
STUART
Well...
HARRY
[reproachful] Don't.
STUART
Harry has been having a little problem recently. [points at Harry with his spoon]
HARRY
Please don't.
STUART
You guys know he's been trying to crack on to pebbles?
HARRY
[exasperated] Don't call her pebbles. [slumps onto the couch with a coffee]
HAYLEY
Pebbles?
CONNOR
It always looks like she's got pebbles in her bra if you know what I mean.
HARRY
[getting annoyed] No it doesn't.
HAYLEY
Yeah that's not possible, I'm gonna be a doctor and there is no way a woman's nipples can be hard all the time. It's a physical impossibility.
STUART
Again with the doctor thing!
CONNOR
[pretending to be angry] No one cares Hales.
EZRA
Guys, come on...
HARRY
Either way it's not all the time.
STUART
Well it's a lot of the time.
EZRA
[in-between bites of apple] Maybe she has bad circulation or something.
CONNOR
[Pointing with his cereal spoon at his own nipples] Maybe she should wear a cardigan.
HAYLEY
It's 2014 no one wears cardigans.
HARRY
Loads of people wear cardigans the librarian on the third floor wears one every day.
STUART
You can't cite her as an example, she's 63 with a lazy eye.
HARRY
So?
CONNOR
People with lazy eyes don't count.
EZRA
Why?
CONNOR
She can't see what she puts on in the morning.
HARRY
Nah she definitely can.
EZRA
Yeah she probably just has to tilt her head to the side a little. [he demonstrates]
HAYLEY
Ezra that's horrible!
STUART
Anyway, Harry is trying to crack on to pebbles.
HARRY
Her name is Poppy.
CONNOR
[through a cough] Pebbles.
STUART
So he's trying to seal the deal with this girl.
HAYLEY
I thought you'd already taken her out on dates?
HARRY
I have.
HAYLEY
But you haven't slept with her yet?
HARRY
No.
STUART
Nope he has not.
CONNOR
How long has it been then?
HARRY
Not that long...
STUART
[quietly into his cereal] Four months.
HARRY
[angrily] DUDE!
EZRA
Wow four months?
HAYLEY
That's long.
CONNOR
Like... really long.
EZRA
I had it four minutes ago.
Hayley smacks him on the arm
HARRY
Don't rub it in.
STUART
So he thinks maybe at the party tonight it might happen.
HAYLEY
Well that sounds romantic.
CONNOR
[in a wistful tone like someone reading a romance novel] Ah yes, and under the heady glow of a fading high and nine beers, he mounted her...
HARRY
[angrily] DUDE!
STUART
Well young Harry here has a little problem.
HARRY
For the love of God don't!
EZRA
Please do!
CONNOR
Yeah why not, it's only Harry.
STUART
He can't finish when he's drunk.
Harry puts his head in his hands embarrassed and begins to explain through them
HARRY
It's not a big deal it just doesn't work when I'm drunk.
CONNOR
That happens to everyone, well most people, I've heard it happens to some people... I think.
HARRY
[sitting up] Well gee thanks that makes me feel much better.
CONNOR
Welcome. [dothing an imaginary hat]
HARRY
So I thought maybe if I got really close this morning a few times then stopped...
STUART
It might "cum" a little sooner tonight.
HAYLEY
She's not going to sleep with you at a party, she hasn't after dates or after nights out the past few weeks so its not gonna happen tonight, trust me.
CONNOR
You don't know that.
HAYLEY
I'm...
STUART
[Interrupting] A doctor?
They all laugh except for Hayley
HAYLEY
[pointedly] A girl... so I know that if she hasn't yet it's because she wants to make it good. So drunk at a house party probably isn't the way.
HARRY
I just wanted to be prepared...
EZRA
Maybe just don't get so drunk?
STUART
Even one beer and little Harry cant... [Miming masturbating] blast off.
HARRY
Seriously, I'm not telling you jack shit anymore Stu.
STUART
Aw don't be a baby they might be able to help... [looks around and sees only shaking heads] I guess not.
HARRY
Okay f**k you guys I'm going to class.
EZRA
Okay but maybe have quick go before you head out? Maybe you can shave a few seconds off your time tonight.
They all laugh, Harry leaves the room giving the finger over his shoulder
CONNOR
Right. Party plans!