BECK 'M' CALL
An Englishman's home is his castle. Especially of you're David Beckham.
Unfortunately the recession has hit on the Beckhams harder than the Archbishop of Canterbury on an under-sixteen. David's income has been slashed to six billion quid a minute; the sprogs have been reduced to eleven photo-shoots a billi-second; and even Victoria is considering getting off her arse, when she finds it.
She's sold the rights to her solo career, but thirty-two p doesn't go far these days. Remember she was considered the talentless one when she was next to Emma Bunton and Mel B. Critics opined that her Sam Fox cover - 'F**k me, f**k me, I wanna feel your wallet' - started badly but ended worse and there was a real dip in the middle. It cost eighteen pounds, which was also the weight of mascara she used on the cover diagram photo, which was actual thickness. (Tell a girl she's pregnant when she's just fat and it annoys her. With Posh, it's the other way round.) It reached number 284 in the charts, which by another strange coincidence is 284 times the number of copies it had to sell to get there in the first place. Fortunately Dave is making money with an after-shave based on her: Old Spice.
Things for the Becks' babies are now harder than a celeb's tackle during 'Grange Hill'. They used to buy 'em a toy car and then the kid sat in the back row of the toy car while a chauffeur drove 'em around for a bit: 'They've got nothing to show-fer-it,' quips Vix with her trademark, popular smile. Now these poor f**kers may have to settle for a mingy prize, like the East coast of Devon, whilst waiting to get older than a foetus. Fortunately they get royalties from the Guinness Book of Records' 'Stupidest F**king Name For A F**king Sprog' section.
And as the priest says to the ugly trio, the worst is yet to come. Vix has followed in the footsteps of Madonna, Angelina Jolie and a bunch of other sluts by adopting a third - sorry, developing world sprog. 'I wanted to share dieting tips with it,' she beams with yet another of her popular smiles: 'How does it stay so thin? But I think it overdid the tan a little... We used to joke and call it cotton-pickin' Sambo, and the joke is, that's what it was!' Unfortunately said sprog was unable to speak English - how little effort, eh? - so she sold it to Nike.
But Posh has another trick, the Surprise Spice Girls Reunion. She says, 'I'm surprised people still give a f**k.'
