I've sent my latest radio script to BBC Writers Room. 
I hope feed backs OK but one thing I found really useful was creating a sound recording very early on with the script read and including background notices to get the ambiance right too. I found it useful to listen to, to remind me what I wanted the listeners to feel and hear.
Let me know if anyone finds it useful.
MARS COLONY - EARLY DRAFT PILOT EPISODE
: http://youtu.be/yF67DagvBq8
It only 7 mins long
It's a very original idea and it's impressively slickly put together, I even like how the one human character sounds real.
But it's way too slow, to few jokes, to much introduction it could stand be trimmed considerably.
Wasn't Red Dwarf just a Hitchhikers wannabe with better effects?
Quote: Paul Wimsett @ 18th May 2014, 8:47 AM BSTWasn't Red Dwarf just a Hitchhikers wannabe with better effects?
No, not really. They are both set in space, but that is about it. The infinite ever-expanding multiverse of time and space should be big enough to hold two sitcoms without one being held to be a rip-off of the other.
Nice production, but did not really get going. There wasn't the killer joke there to make me sit up and take notice.
Quote: Paul Wimsett @ 18th May 2014, 8:47 AM BSTWasn't Red Dwarf just a Hitchhikers wannabe with better effects?
By that logic Taxi Driver is the same film as Night On Earth.
IN terms fo the script, I agree, nicely done in lots of ways, but lacking a laugh to get me hooked. Mind you, scene 1 episode 1 is very difficult, isn't it?
If it's your final draft of several, surely you mean to send it off somewhere? This is only a critiqueing forum, after all?
I think the poor writer can't decide which is the final draft, ie the one that gets performed/published-unless they do it themselves?
BTW I didn't say Red Dwarf was Hitchhikers, just that they were close kin.
Quote: Paul Wimsett @ 20th May 2014, 8:14 AM BSTIf it's your final draft of several, surely you mean to send it off somewhere? This is only a critiqueing forum, after all?
I think the poor writer can't decide which is the final draft, ie the one that gets performed/published-unless they do it themselves?
BTW I didn't say Red Dwarf was Hitchhikers, just that they were close kin.
Yes you did. Its here on screen, "Hitchhikers wannabe"
There's a difference between being a wannabe and being the same. The Rutles and the Beatles for instance.
As for the script it has pretty predictable jokes and an obvious gratuitous reference to Schodiger's cat.
So you like it then?
Its not gratuitous because Max is afraid of an unknown event BUT if I have to explain a joke it proberbly isn't good enough to be in there eh? 
Thanks for your time & feedback.
Quote: Paul Wimsett @ 20th May 2014, 8:14 AM BSTI think the poor writer can't decide which is the final draft, ie the one that gets performed/published-unless they do it themselves?
What do you mean by poor?
Quote: Tursiops @ 18th May 2014, 9:19 AM BSTThe infinite ever-expanding multiverse of time and space should be big enough to hold two sitcoms without one being held to be a rip-off of the other.
Hopefully three sitcoms
Quote: Marc P @ 20th May 2014, 7:13 PM BSTWhat do you mean by poor?
Put upon, powerless...
Also if is the final draft, why only six scenes?
That's ok then. There are different sorts of final drafts but on a spec script it's when you put it out there. If it's taken up then a new process starts. So don't just bash one out but work on it until you are satisfied its as good as you can make it within a set time period. And send it out knowing it could be better. No work is ever finished. Just stopped working on.
Quote: Paul Wimsett @ 20th May 2014, 10:38 PM BSTAlso if is the final draft, why only six scenes?
How many scenes were there in the brilliant episode of Miranda - Just act Normal?
This really doesn't work at all as a script. It's 2 not particularly funny characters ping ponging, static, joke free material between each other.
It feels like a half baked attempt to satirise 2001 but 50 years too late and less funny than the original.
I think you need to get, characters, get a story, get something.
If you're trying to walk to Landsend and you look at a sign telling you you're going to John O'Groates. Stop no matter how much further you walk, no matter how much you're trying you're going in the wrong direction.
This is what's happened here.
Start over, maybe a simple 2 page skit and grow it from there.