Hello. Here's my sitcom about three sociopaths running an internet cafe. The first scene's below. This is the link for anyone that fancies reading all of it: http://www.scribd.com/doc/207251360/Red-Raw-With-It

Any and all feedback appreciated.

Cheers.

EXT. CAFE INTERNATIONAL - DAY - D1

An internet cafe in a bad part of town -- boarded up shops, graffiti, etc. A sign in the window reads: "WAITRESS WANTED"
We hear SEX NOISES coming from...

INT. CAFE INTERNATIONAL - SAME TIME

...a computer. CLIFF (late 20's, scruffy) sits staring at the screen, ED (20's, slick) stands over his shoulder (We don't see what they're seeing).

CLIFF
I think it's her, ya know?

ED
How can you tell from that angle? His foot's completely covering her face! Skip it forward.

Cliff whistles to the tune of: "Hit Me Baby One More Time." SANDRA (late 20's, wannabe hipster) bursts in from the street. She's carrying a FOOD HAMPER.

SANDRA
Your advert in the window is sexist. It says, waitress wanted. But the job should be open to women... and men.

ED
That would just be a waste of everyone's time.

CLIFF
Men can't be waitresses, idiot.

SANDRA
(re: computer) What's this?

ED
Cliff thinks he found a Britney sex-tape.

Sandra sets the hamper next to Cliff, and leans closer.

SANDRA
That's not her, she's all fat and sweaty. That girl's much thinner.

ED
I feel sorry for her, whoever she is. Chump can't thrust for toffee. How does he expect to generate any power from those puny calves?

SANDRA
Ed, why are you looking at the dude?

ED
It's hard not to, his technique's a disgrace.

SANDRA
Like you could do any better?

ED
Hah! Yes, I could. If you weren't so repulsive to me, I'd prove it physically... also if you weren't my cousin.

CLIFF
Mmmm, what's all this?

Cliff takes some RICE CRACKERS from the hamper.

SANDRA
Put them back, Cliff. They're for the foodbank.

Ed picks up the hamper and shields it from Sandra.

CLIFF
I heard about them. They give free food to scroungers and immigrants.

SANDRA
Jesus wept! You're beyond ignorant.

Ed rummages through the contents.

ED (CONT'D)
Chamomile tea. Natural yogurt. Lentils. Lentils! You may as well slap them in the face.

CLIFF
(spitting) Yuckkk. What's in these biscuits? It's like eatin' dust. Any drinks in there?

SANDRA
They're not biscuits, they're rice crackers.

Ed rummages some more...

ED
Just this green shiz. It looks vile, mind.

SANDRA
It's a vegetable smoothie and it's delish.

CLIFF
Can't be any worse. Chuck it.

SANDRA
No! It's for charity.

Ed tosses the SMOOTHIE to Cliff.

ED
Fess up, Sandra. If I know you, this is all a futile attempt to impress some dreamboat.

SANDRA
No, it's not. I'm doing this because I care. People would starve in this country if it wasn't for me... and other volunteers. Our government obviously doesn't give a --

Cliff spit-takes, SPRAYING green juice all over Sandra's face.

CLIFF
(retching) I was wrong. Much, much worse.

Disgusted, Sandra snatches the hamper from Ed...

SANDRA
Good luck finding someone desperate enough to work in this dump.

...and storms out.

Hi Egg,

Patrick told me a little about this script when I met him a couple of weeks ago. It's very good indeed. I really enjoyed reading it through! I thought the ending was slightly less punchy than it could have been but the rest really did have quality all the way through it.

"Cliff mentioned something about a girl in a bin?" - Seriously cracked me up.

couple of very small errors. page 21. 'applications form' and page 26. 'forgot'

Great stuff though!

Cheers, Scartledge.

I agree, it does fizzle out a bit at the end. I think there should probably be more infighting than there is in the last scene. I might have a go at fixing it in a rewrite.

Thanks for the heads up on the typos. It's annoying how the little sh*ts seem to slip through, despite reading it a zillion times.

By the way, I've heard good stuff about your sitcom. It's a great premise. Hopefully I'll get to have a read of the finished script.

Good luck!

It's very tightly plotted, and crass enough to scare the hell out of commissioners who aren't Bottom fans. I think the opening piece you've posted is unfortunately the weakest part: it comes together much better after that.

I liked the subtler lines like the description of about how "she nursed a wasp back to health once"; I'm sure you could work in a few more like that in amongst the back and forth.

Disgusting, selfish, self-centered characters with very few, if any, redeeming qualities....I LOVED it!

Seriously, very good. Well plotted and it genuinely made me laugh out loud at several points.

I agree with Enigmatic, the opener is weaker than the rest of it. It was very funny, and I found myself rooting for Sandra, and desperately urging the other girls to stay away, but it is a tad sleazy. (That should get more people reading it!!!)

Thanks everyone what read it and left comments/feedback.

I'll have a go at reworking the opening scene. I think one of the problems might be that it's longer than it should be. Maybe it's a bit too busy compared to the other scenes as well?

Shirl, I'm offended that you think it's a tad sleazy... I was trying for much more sleaze than that!

Thanks again for the feedback.

Shame this didn't get as much feedback as it deserved! Seems like a lot of people on here would rather slag off someones mediocre work than praise someones good work.

Ok so I read it all. I didn't really like it I'm afraid. The dialogue was zippy and realistic but the three main characters have no redeeming qualities at all and there is just no one to root for. It came across a bit like 'Phoneshop' but without the vulnerability that the characters in 'Phoneshop' can display.

I was uncomfortable with how selfishly stupid the male characters were in thinking it ok to coerce & blackmail vulnerable young women into sex, and also how easily Sandra could frame the other girl for theft. One shallow, selfish character might have worked, but all three? I know they were described as 'three sociopaths', but why would I switch on again next week?

Also - as it is set in an internet café, is the Café open? No mention is made of customers, and would not a café have snacks that Cliff would gorge himself on?

As others like it so much please feel free to ignore me - I guess I am not your target demographic anyway, so not exactly a viewer lost...

BTW I was not going to post because I did not care for it, but did in the end as a response to Scartledges post.

I also read it all when it was posted, but didn't reply for pretty much the same reasons as Playfull. I didn't have much constructive or helpful to say as for what it was it was fairly well written - good dialogue and had plots that were well worked... hence me reading all of it I suppose.
However , I didn't really like the characters. I found them too one dimensional so couldn't see it having any legs beyond this episode. I too was a bit confused about the setting. It was in a cafe apparently but with no real references to it? So maybe that's something to think about??...and do internet cafe's have back offices ?... I dunno maybe they do.
A few people seem to like it so maybe its just a matter of taste.

Well Playfull I'm sure that the o.p. will appreciate the feedback. There's a difference between constructive criticism (that you gave) and simply having a go at someone else's work which I see quite often on here.

I think it's quite good. The teaser and tag were both excellent, but maybe a few of the scenes could do with development, it seemed to me like the scene where they got the casting couch stuck in the doorway was too short, and maybe could have had an additional problem going on, something maybe involving a customer entering the shop and being roped in to pushing the couch. One alarming downside is the undertones of rape there is in the 'Nervous Girl' bit, I think that needs down-toning slightly. But apart from that I think it's good, and it will be interesting to see what happens next for the characters and if they grow as people.

i liked the britney part

I really liked this, especially the plot outline. Hope to see this in production, I would watch it.
I can see it's not for everyone, too rude and harsh probably. But as a fan of " It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" , I sure can handle it.
As a matter of fact, it kind of reminded me on points on IASIP (sociapaths, bar, tight plots) but it distincts itself more than enough.

Keep us updated about progress (new scripts, production etc.)

Thought I'd give this a bump seeing as I've had more feedback.

Cheers, Playfull and Mattytheswan, for reading it. I appreciate it's not to everyone's taste but it's good to get different opinions. I agree the cafe setting doesn't come into play as much as it probably should, it's definitely something for me to think about.

Thanks, Jay Bee. I'm a big fan of IASIP too, along with Workaholics, it's up there with my favourite sitcoms. The way that they structure their episodes, and the degenerate nature of the characters were definitely big influences on this. As far as progress goes, I'm currently rewriting the pilot, and then I'll be sending it out to production companies.

Cheers everyone for the comments/feedback.