VOICE-OVER: Even in the 26th century there is still conflict. But the things that sentients fight for now are not what they used to be. Power and wealth are no longer enough, it seems.

MERKEL: Emperor, the cyborg rebels have now breached the citadel's defences. We will be overrun any minute now.

EMPEROR: So Merkel, after five years of fighting and 50 million dead it has finally come to this. An empire spanning 100 planets brought down by the part-man, part-machine, part-rhododendron monsters we created ourselves. The slave slash decorative plant now becomes the master.

PHIL: Emperor!

EMPEROR: Yes Lord Phil?

PHIL: The cyborg leader, the one they call Cam-Ron, wishes to speak with you to discuss terms for ending the war.

EMPEROR: Let him enter the council chamber.

FX DOOR OPENING, HEAVY BOOTS ON STONE

PHIL: Here he comes, sire.

MERKEL: What is he wearing? It looks like an ancient monk's robe, with the long cloak and large hood that all but hides both his face and those pink flowers coming out of his ears.

PHIL: It is now the standard uniform of all the rebels, Merkel.

MERKEL: My God. I'd forgotten how monstrous these cyborgs really are, with their glowing artificial eyes, the metal devices in their faces, the carbon reinforced limbs and the rich foliage on their chests. What were we thinking?

EMPEROR: Cam-Ron, pull back your hood, look me in the eye, and tell me the terms of our surrender.

CAM-RON: We do not seek your surrender, Emperor. We wish merely to be treated as equals with humans.

EMPEROR: Yes, continue.

CAM-RON: We demand an end to cyborg discrimination.

EMPEROR: It is done.

CAM-RON: We demand full citizenship, including the right to own property, travel freely and self-pollinate.

EMPEROR: It is done.

CAM-RON: And one other thing.

EMPEROR: Yes?

CAM-RON: For too long we have been looked down upon by those around us. Androids consider us inferior because of our organic components. While humans find us repulsive to look at, but satisfying to prune. All of which, you know, has really kind of hurt our feelings.

EMPEROR: Pardon?

CAM-RON: Having everyone turn their noses up at us all the time has got to us and made us quite upset. We're not just aggressive, over-engineered garden bushes. We're actually quite sensitive you know.

PHIL: So what would you have the Emperor do about that?

CAM-RON: We want a hug.

PHIL: What's that you say, hooded one?

CAM-RON: You heard me. We all want a hug. A warm long hug from a human. To cheer us up and make us feel validated.

EMPEROR: You want us all to hug a hoody you say Cam-Ron. It's a big ask. Couldn't you just hug each other?

CAM-RON: It's not the same. Our metal bits rub together and there's generally lots of chaffing. It'd be better with humans, they're soft all over with no branches. What do you say Emperor? Will you open your arms and give me a big one?

PAUSE

EMPEROR: No way man. You guys are seriously repulsive.

CAM-RON: If you say no then you all must die, today.

EMPEROR: Yeah, the answer's still no.

PHIL, MERKEL: Sire!

FX WEAPONS FIRING, PEOPLE DYING.

It was really good until it got to the ending - it was a bit lame. This would work if you could come up with a punchline.

Liked it. Rounded characters and a couple of nice gags (or phrases) really liked -

'While humans find us repulsive to look at, but satisfying to prune'

But agree it needs a stronger ending.

Not sure I like them being called Mer-kel and Cam-ron. It distracted me thinking that some cunning satirical point was about to be made, so I was double thinking every line trying to spot it.

(There wasn't a cunning satire in there that I missed was there???)

Other than that - agree that it was fun but could do with a stronger ending.

I wrote this so long ago I can't exactly remember why I used the name Merkel. Cam-Ron was just a set up for the hug a hoody gag. The plan was to have Cam-Ron as a recurring character, with each sketch ending in mindless violence and a dig at Cameron. But it was not to be. They went with talking bacteria instead.