Hello,
I'm writing a sitcom set in the exciting world of a school PTA.
I would be grateful for feedback on these first ten pages.
I'm struggling with a good title - which I don't want anyone to think is a bad sign but it might be - so all ideas welcome on that too.
Many thanks in advance.
SCENE 1. EXT. SCHOOL HALL. AFT.
MANDY (40s, professional) IS ON THE PHONE BY THE OPEN BOOT OF HER CAR.
MANDY(in phone)
Oh! I'm sorry you had to experience that Maria.
STEVE (40s, casual) ARRIVES, WITH BAG, NUDGES HER.
STEVE
Skiver!
MANDY(in phone)
Yes, they would have been upset to
find her in that position.
STEVE (whispering)
Oop. Sorry.
MANDY (in phone) (looking bored)
Yes, I'm absolutely sure its a her.
She is very hairy.
She was very hairy. Mmm. Mmm.
A box? Ok.
You've been a star. Thank you. Bye, Bye
MANDY PUTS PHONE DOWN.
MANDY (exaggerated excitement)
Oh Steve, you came!
STEVE
As if I'd miss the cake sale
"It's all about the children"
MANDY
Hey! It might be: "support the school,
support learning,
support the future."
STEVE
3-1 at the moment though, isn't it?
MANDY TAKES TWO TINS OUT OF THE CAR AND STEVE TAKES ONE. THEY WALK TOWARDS THE SCHOOL BUILDING.
MANDY
The cleaner found the
rabbit at last.
STEVE
Oh good.
MANDY
It's dead.
STEVE
You think one of your
Charles Bronsons, did it?
MANDY
What are you trying to say about my kids?
STEVE
Nothing. What was wrong with it then?
MANDY
Bad tempered, bitey,
that kind of thing.
STEVE
No I mean, how did it die?
MANDY
Natural causes, I guess. Who cares?
It's dead.
STEVE
Ah...Compassion, thy name is Mandy.
MANDY
I never wanted it.
Mark brought it for the kids so
they wouldn't notice he'd gone.
CUT TO:
SCENE 2. INT. SCHOOL HALL. DAY.
THREE LONG TRESTLE TABLES IN A HORSE-SHOE SHAPE. STEVE STUMBLES TO ONE AND PUTS DOWN THE (HEAVY) TIN. MANDY CHOSES ANOTHER TABLE. SOPHIA (30s) IS STANDING ON TABLES PUTTING UP BUNTING.
TINA, (20s) IN HIGH-VIS-JACKET COMES OVER HOLDING TWO SIMILAR JACKETS.
TINA
Sophia's orders. In case of emergency.
MANDY
Its a cake contest in
a school hall not talks
with the Taliban.
STEVE
It's not a cake contest, Mandy, it's a cake sale.
TINA
And Mand...Sophia's the boss.
MANDY
She's NOT the boss anymore, Tina.
I'm Chair, remember?
She's treasurer.
8 votes. 3 abstentions.
1 messed paper.
I worked out who did that
as well. Little shit.
TINA GOES BACK TO HELP SOPHIA LEAVING MANDY AND STEVE TO UNPACK CAKES.
STEVE
What is it about a woman putting up
bunting that warms the heart, eh?
MANDY
Does it warm your cockles too?
STEVE
What are you insinuating?
MANDY
Everyone thinks she's some design guru.
STEVE
Admit it. Her Winter Wonderland
Santa's grotto was genius.
MANDY
Steve, I was never serious
about a Hawaiian theme.
She blew our budget on the
artificial snowflakes.
STEVE
Made the local papers though.
MANDY
£67.50 for three days work!
When she was in charge we were vanity fund-raisers.
A Play-scheme for desperate house-wives
(pause)
And house-husbands.
STEVE
She IS creative though.
MANDY
Just because I work in finance doesn't
mean I'm not creative, Steve.
It means I didn't have rich parents
to support me to do an arts degree.
STEVE
Oooh, chippy
MANDY
Where's your "creative"
contribution then?
STEVE
Mini-rolls. 100s of them. Well, 24.
MANDY
Home-made?
STEVE
Why when you can buy 6 for a £1?
My kids go high as kites after these.
MANDY
I'm surprised Ellen lets them eat them.
STEVE
They've got after school club tonight.
MANDY STOPS ARRANGING CAKES AND LOOKS SERIOUS.
MANDY
Steve, do you think I should
tell my boys about
the rabbit when they
come along today?
STEVE
They are going to be clutching
50ps in their hot little hands
looking for a Viennese Whirl and
you're going to announce,
'Flopsy's dead?'
MANDY
Mopsy.
STEVE
I think it can wait.
SOPHIA BOUNDS OVER TO MANDY AND STEVE. SHE HUGS STEVE.
SOPHIA
Oh Mandy, doesn't Steve look masculine in his jacket?
And you too.
MANDY
You're not wearing one?
SOPHIA
I was thinking we could put them
on the list for next year.
MANDY
Uhhh. You could put that on the
agenda.
SOPHIA
Or I'll just see what Glen says.
That's Mr Shawcross, Mandy!
MANDY
I knew the Head's name ages ago. I just...don't like to over-use it.
SOPHIA
So did you manage a little something this year?
After last year's nut debacle.
STEVE
I still don't think it was Mandy's debacle which made me ill.
MANDY
I have three tins of cakes.
Ginormous tins.
SOPHIA
Are they home-made or are they just made
to look home-made again?
MANDY
Oh these are really home-made.
SOPHIA
Wow Mrs Ambassador.
You spoil us.
MANDY
Cakes aren't usually my forte.
SOPHIA
What is your forte?
Let me guess - You're a Victoria
sponge kind of woman.
MANDY
A Victoria sponge kind of woman?
SOPHIA
Or gateau? Something thick and stodgy
SOPHIA SELECTS ONE OF MANDY'S TINS, OPENS IT. SOPHIA LOOKS DISGUSTED.
SOPHIA
Rice crispie cakes? Really? And so many!
MANDY
They have chocolate eggs on top too!
(pause)
What's up?
SOPHIA
They don't sell well.
Rice crispie cakes never do.
MANDY
They do sell well.
SOPHIA
Um, in my ten humble years experience at some top PTAs,
they don't.
MANDY
Which cake did you make then?
SOPHIA
Three very special Lemon drizzle cakes.
MANDY
And you think children prefer those?
SOPHIA
Lemon Drizzle wipes the floor
with corn flake cakes.
MANDY
But these aren't cornflake cakes.
They are rice crispie cakes.
There's a big difference.
SOPHIA
What difference?
Open a box of cereal,
add melted chocolate,
plus syrup.
MANDY
You add syrup?
SOPHIA
Oh God yeah.
MANDY
We must be over charging for
the rice crispie cakes -
that's the only explanation.
SOPHIA
They're all 20p each.
MANDY
We're undercharging then.
Kids can't get enough of the...the...snap, crackle and pop.
The only children who won't want them must have allergies...
SOPHIA
Well, there must be a hell of a lot of
kids with allergies here.
MANDY
Yeah, well maybe there are.
SOPHIE GRABS STEVE AND THEY GO OFF. TINA SIDLES OVER.
TINA
Mandy, I need to talk about the fete.
MANDY
As of last week, the fete is all Sophia's. Or as I like to call her Marie Antoinette.
(pause)
What do you need to talk about anyway?
TINA
I can't say.
MANDY (sigh)
Is it being first-aider?
We'll work together.
I'll pump, you count.
Hi, hi, hi, hi, Staying alive...
Staying alive
TINA
It's not that...nooo
MANDY
There won't be any clowns, Tina.
The Chair of the PTA
does not go back on her word.
(pause)
The Hawaiian thing doesn't count.
TINA
I've been getting counseling for the clowns.
I can handle them.
MANDY
So, what's the problem?
TINA
I can't say.
MANDY
Give me a clue.
TINA
It's personal.
MANDY
Is it Sophia?
Does she get on your tits too?
TINA
No-oo. Her Christmas grotto was so amazing, Mandy. It made the papers!
MANDY
Ok, it's Steve? You think he's a bit of a wuss?
TINA
Is he? No, no, you're cold, Mandy.
MANDY
It's not me, is it? because remember the Mama-Mia night? Who helped you out with Chiquitika when you were dead on the stage?
TINA
Cold.
MANDY
Er, ok, is it something to do with admissions? You really aren't allowed to frisk anymore.
TINA SHAKES HER HEAD, DISAPPOINTED.
MANDY cont.
Refreshments? You don't want to do the squash?
TINA
Squash?
(pause)
You're warmer with squash.
MANDY
I'm warmer with squash?
Water? Drink stand?
To dilute or not dilute?
TINA
Not squash.
(whispers) Getting squashed.
MANDY
'Getting squashed?'
Am I hot? Am I really hot?
I know, is it something to do
with the bouncy castle?
TINA NODS.
MANDY cont.
It IS the bouncy castle!
I'm boiling!
TINA VIGOROUSLY NODS
MANDY cont.
Oh...Tina, I hate bouncy castles too.
No one likes smelling of wee.
TINA disappointed
You're freezing again.
MANDY
Is it the primary colours?
Do they make your eyes go all hurty?
TINA
Arctic cold.
MANDY
Ummm? You find them unsteady underfoot?
Some would say that's the point.
TINA
Nooo
MANDY
Help me then.
TINA whispers
I find them...arousing.
MANDY
Oh.
TINA
Even the words sets me off.
MANDY
The words 'bouncy castle' set you off?
TINA (shivers)
Don't...
MANDY
So...so how did this...happen?
TINA cont.
My last partner filled the room
with inflatables.
Can you imagine the hiss
as the rubber ring went down around my
middle? I was in ecstasy...
MANDY
Look, You can't come. I'll find someone else to cover.
I mean, Sophia will.
TINA
But I'm the only member of the PTA who did
the extra-long two hour First Aid course.
(pause)
I must tell you...there was this one time, on a lilo...
MANDY snapping.
Just stay away from it, ok.
TINA
What will you tell Sophia?
MANDY
We'll say you've got
a sickness or something.
TINA WALKS OFF. STEVE COMES OVER TO MANDY.
STEVE
Sophia said I look masculine!
MANDY
She thinks you're so emasculated
by being a stay at home dad that
you'll be won over by a bit of flattery.
As if you'd be that shallow.