Hi guys, this is the first (ish) draft of the first scene of a sitcom I've been thinking of. It centres around two guys on a sales stand in a shopping centre. Like the ones you get for dodgy credit cards, PPI claims and weird, niche products.

Any critique welcome as this is my first attempt at writing a sitcom.

Thanks!

FADE IN

INT. SHOPPING CENTRE. MORNING

JACK (BORN SALESMAN, EARLY 20s, BIT OF A 'LAD') AND MARK (RELUCTANT SALESMAN, MID-20s,

BIT OF A GEEK) ARE WALKING THROUGH THE CENTRE TO THEIR PITCH

MARK
What we got today?

JACK
Weight loss pills.

MARK
Again? Is this another Olympic legacy thing?

JACK
It's more of a Gregg's legacy thing. There's four of them in here.

CONTINUOUS

THEY WALK PAST THE CUPCAKE STAND WHERE HANNAH (PETITE, BLONDE, BAKER) IS SETTING UP HER

DISPLAY

JACK
Morning, Hannah.

HANNAH
Morning, boys.

MARK
Do you need some diet pills?

HANNAH
You what?

MARK
(under breath) Shit!

JACK
Smooth

CONTINUOUS

JACK
Before there. After there.

MARKS STARTS TO SET UP THE DISPLAY FOR 'FLAB OFF' DIET PILLS.

MARK
Really? It's blocking my view -

JACK
(Interupts) Of her (Hannah)? Is it her goods you want or some of those little

cakes?

STEVE (HUGE, DOOR OF A MAN, SECURITY GUARD) LOOMS INTO SHOT CROUCHING NEXT TO MARK WHO

HASN'T SEEN HIM

STEVE
Morning.

MARK
Jesus!

STEVE
It's Steve. Are you two going to behave yourselves today?

JACK
What do you mean?

STEVE
I mean no more terrorising old people dressed as the Grim Reaper.

MARK
We were selling funeral cover. It's never too late. Anyway, it's weight loss

pills today?

STEVE
Again? Is this a Gregg's legacy thing?

FADE OUT

Hi, welcome. It is clear, easy to read and there isn't much by way of superfluous dialogue. On the downside, I found it difficult to distinguish between the characters - you tell me one is a lad and one a geek, but apart from the slip up with the girl I don't really see that. Also, I think they need to be a bit more interesting than 'geek' and 'lad' - not saying you need to give me their entire personalities in scene one, but a little bit more colour would be nice.

Hannah needs a personality too - she should be better rounded than just a love interest. Good luck

Hi... I agree with Jennie..it's clearly written and shows some potential. I'm not sensing that there is a well devised plan - i.e. the scene should be moving us towards something that moves the overall story forward. Have you figured out the actual story in the episode? If so, we don't see enough yet to get the sense that we are part of a story, hence we aren't really interested in seeing what happens next. Keep going ... it certainly has promise.

Thanks guys, I really appreciate this feedback.

I was going to flesh out a few of the details and character development through the episode and use these opening scenes to introduce the characters to the audience.

Quote: Jennie @ 10th December 2013, 4:57 PM GMT

Hannah needs a personality too - she should be better rounded than just a love interest. Good luck

View original

Would you recommend adding a few extra lines of dialogue to help establish this early on?

Thanks again!

Fair enough, but I think you need to grab us with some big funnies and/or action right at the start.

Quote: Good Frizzles @ 11th December 2013, 10:37 AM GMT

Would you recommend adding a few extra lines of dialogue to help establish this early on?

View original

Not necessarily dialogue, but I would have her DO something straight away that sums her character up to the audience.

I heard it once referred to as a "character button". The moment they are on screen, they do/say something that tells us what they are like.

To take something in the thing I'm working on (because I can't think of an example in an actual sitcom off the top of my head).

One of my characters is introduced to the audience by him sitting and playing a solid gold version of the magnetic fishing game with rapt concentration.

I am trying (probably failing, but definitely trying) to show that:
a)He's wealthy (solid gold)
b)He's a bit of a kid (fishing game)
c)He's not the brightest (having to give all his attention to a relatively simple concept.)

The game has very little relevance to the rest of the scene, but it is a way for me give a flavour of his character before he has opened his mouth.

Great, thank you. I'll rework it a bit and post the results.

This read well and I think its quite a good idea - although I agree with Jennie that the characters need a bit more definition.

And also nothing like the Stephen King tale, which reminds me I haven't read that in a long time...

I don't think you can magnetise gold.

I thought the extract needed more laughs.

Agree with the others, it's nice but it's not outstanding. I like the greggs legacy idea. Not sure where it's going yet but it sounds cheap to make.

I wouldn't 'introduce characters' as a point on its own, the first scene needs to do more than that.

Id look for some visual humour or visual way to reveal character too, eg the way she puts out the cupcakes, is she clumsy, careful, taking selfies, whatever. The dialogue doesn't have to do all the work.

Look forward to seeing the revised version.

Quote: JohnnyD @ 11th December 2013, 2:10 PM GMT

I don't think you can magnetise gold.

View original

You have to use that Jennie!

A. Is he still trying to catch a fish? He has been at it an hour. Anyway gold isn't magnetic is it?

B. No its not.

A. Should we tell him?

B. Yes we really should.

A & B both walk off leaving him 'fishing'

Sorry about going off topic!

Quote: Jennie @ 11th December 2013, 10:48 AM GMT

I heard it once referred to as a "character button". The moment they are on screen, they do/say something that tells us what they are like.

View original

Never heard of that before but really like it! I'll just pop that in the ol' tool box