EXT. MCDONALDS DRIVE THRU - AFTERNOON

A car pulls up by the intercom. Inside the car is a MAN, a WOMAN and a LITTLE BOY. The Man rolls down his window and waits to be served. A while passes and he begins to get frustrated

MAN
Hello?

No response

MAN (CONT'D)
Hello!?

INTERCOM
Hello? Who's that? Hello?

MAN
I'd like to get served please, if you've got time!

INTERCOM
Oh god! It's just the intercom! (Laughs) I thought it was a ghost or something!

MAN
A ghost? Do you get many ghosts at the drive thru?

INTERCOM
We don't serve ghosts, sir. It's bad for business

MAN
Jesus Christ... Okay, I want two large big mac meals with cokes and a happy meal with orange juice please

INTERCOM
Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your order?

MAN
I just ordered!

INTERCOM
Did you?

MAN
Yes!

INTERCOM
Okay then, please make your way to the window

MAN
No! I ordered but I don't think you wrote it down

INTERCOM
Didn't I?

MAN
I don't know! Did you!?

INTERCOM
I don't know what you're asking me

The Man turns to his wife

MAN
My God, who in their right mind would employ this idiot?

INTERCOM
Sir, just because you've turned your head away doesn't mean I can't hear you. It's a intercom

The Man takes a deep breath to calm himself

INTERCOM (CONT'D)
...F**king idiot

MAN
What!?

INTERCOM
Oh right, the intercom! Sorry. Okay, we're even now

MAN
I want to speak to your manager!

INTERCOM
You can't do that, sir

MAN
Why not!?

INTERCOM
...Because he's dead

MAN
He's dead, is he?

INTERCOM
Yeah

MAN
I don't think so!

The Woman grabs the man's arm and tries to calm him down

WOMAN
Please! Just order

LITTLE BOY
Mummy I want to go home!

The Man spins around and points at his son

MAN
We're not going anywhere!

WOMAN
Calm down, Allen!

The Man tries to compose himself and turns back to the intercom

MAN
Are you ready to take my order or not?

INTERCOM
I was ready five minutes ago, sir, before you started yelling

MAN
My God!

WOMAN
Allen!

MAN
I want two large big mac meals with coke! I also want-

INTERCOM
Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your order?

The Man screams and starts to punch the car horn

LITTLE BOY
Mummy, I'm scared

WOMAN
Allen, please!

MAN
I want two large big mac meals with coke! I want a f**king happy meal with orange juice! Then I want you to take the hottest apple pie you can find and stick it up your arse!!!

INTERCOM
...Okay sir... We've got everything apart from that last thing... We don't do that here at McDonalds

MAN
F**k you!

INTERCOM
Okay, make your way to the window, sir

The Car revs up and screeches off down the drive thru
A fat, lazy looking, unshaven man is leaning out of the window smoking a cigarette. He throws the cigarette away as the car screeches to a stop by the window

FAT LAZY MAN
How are you today?

MAN
Angry, you tosser! Give me my food!

FAT LAZY MAN
Okay, no need for swearing

MAN
Oh, I think there is!

FAT LAZY MAN
I threw in some ice cream for you. You seemed a bit angry and ice cream always helps me when I'm feeling angry

MAN
Did you?

FAT LAZY MAN
Yeah. That will be twenty one pounds and seventeen pence

The Man searches for his wallet

MAN
Bloody prices gone up again?

He hands over the money and takes his food. Then he looks at the receipt

MAN (CONT'D)
You've charged me for this bloody ice cream!

FAT LAZY MAN
We're not a charity, sir

The man screams

WOMAN
Just drive, Allen, for God's sake!

The car screeches away, leaving the Fat Lazy Man shaking his head

FAT LAZY MAN
Some people

A well observed exchange, you build the mounting frustration nicely.

If this was trimmed and the insults made more snide than outrageous it would be a corker of a caper.
As it stands it starts with such promises that the back end lets it down.

If this was trimmed and the insults made more snide than outrageous it would be a corker of a caper.
As it stands it starts with such promises that the back end lets it down.

Nice and bonkers.

That's really excellent, both as a sketch or sitcom extract.

The dialogue zig zags like mad and the characters are impressively well formed.

I especially like the way the tension builds and builds.

like to see more of your stuff.

That's really excellent, both as a sketch or sitcom extract.

The dialogue zig zags like mad and the characters are impressively well formed.

I especially like the way the tension builds and builds.

like to see more of your stuff.

That's wondefully paced, I like it. My only probelm is that, the sort of person who gets that much righteous ire over idiocy (err, bascially me, that's probably why I enjoyed it) wouln't regularly go to McDonalds drive-thrus, so I was unconvinved when he knew their prices off by heart.

As a scene in a film, say, where someone had to go to McDs by necessity it could really work - I'm thinking of some foul-mouthed update of Clockwise, perhaps.

Anyway, really well-written stuff.

Thanks a lot for your thoughts guys. I really appreciate it

loved the beginning bit when the intercom guy forgets the intercom after having just told the bloke about it

It's a good subject for a sketch, but I felt a little short changed. I think you need to push the staff to much more extreme levels of idiocy or plain rudeness. Plus, you could get a bit ruthless with trimming some of the dialogue - the ghosts section is a bit of a clunker for example.

Why would the Macdonalds employee be surprised by the intercom and think it was a ghost? Surely this happens fifty times a day. Why is it bad business to serve ghosts? Why does the employee claim that his manager is dead?

Good writing asks questions. But not those questions.

Quote: Godot Taxis @ August 2 2013, 5:12 PM BST

Why would the Macdonalds employee be surprised by the intercom and think it was a ghost? Surely this happens fifty times a day. Why is it bad business to serve ghosts? Why does the employee claim that his manager is dead?

Good writing asks questions. But not those questions.

View original

Cheers Miss Marple

It seems your put downs aren't funny either.

To facilitate your journey into the promised land of successful comedy writing and away from actually working in Macdonalds you should spend less time barracking the audience for not laughing and more time looking at the problems in what you've shown them.

I paid you the compliment of reading your stuff - I want you to write well. Now pull your finger out and stop trying to break my balls.

It's not a put down. Don't be so sensitive, mate. I don't mind a bit of criticism. It's just yours is a bit pretentious. I don't think you're trying to help me. You're just trying to look clever. And it's all a bit naff to be honest

I would say that Godot's criticism is spot on and what I was trying to hint at.

Quote: Ben @ August 3 2013, 8:39 AM BST

I would say that Godot's criticism is spot on and what I was trying to hint at.

View original

You weren't as snotty, but if that's you're opinion then fair enough. I'll take it on board