BCG Pro Gag-a-Week competition

This is our weekly joke contest. BCG Pro subscribers are encouraged to submit a gag on a specified topic each week, to win points. The member with the most points at the end of each competition window will win a special mentoring opportunity. Here is how you earn points:

• 10 points: Best joke of the week
• 5 points: Any other gags shortlisted by the judges
• 1 point: All other entries

The judging is carried out 'blind', so there's no limit to the number of times you can win - but you can only enter ONE joke per week!

This week's topic...

Fish

Can you think of a good one-liner? If so, enter your gag below!

Deadline to submit: Sunday 25th May, 23:59

Last 20 winners

Retail

My mate's a bodybuilder but he's not very bright. I call him 'the modern high street' because he's a vacant unit.
Chris Ballard

Monsters

People say a monster flies round London at night but I think that's just an urban moth.
Barry Dunstall

Radio

I don't believe in capital punishment. No one should have to listen to Johnny Vaughan.
Matthew Mclane

Laptops

My grandma's laptop is just like her dating advice - outdated, confusing, and can't be backed up.
Amanda Webster

Stress

Failed at helping my boyfriend destress on our camping trip. Ended up with us getting two tents!
Amanda Webster

Comics

I got sacked from my job drawing Lord of the Rings comics because my orc looked too emaciated. I told them it was a picture of elf.
Scott Fitzgerald

Roast

I went to the carvery with my boyfriend. He said he wanted beef, so I told him I fancied his brother.
Iain Christie

Astronomy

I came last in an astronomy quiz, but I did get a constellation prize.
Barry Dunstall

Chocolates

My girlfriend's sharing her delicious Easter Egg with me. But I don't want to be around when she comes back from work and finds out.
Garth ApThomas

Cringe

What's the cringiest book? Lord of the Rings is pretty orc words.
Rob Smyth

Singing

I bought a car from an opera singer. It's a Nissan Dorma.
Barry Dunstall

Winning

Some say I'm not great with shapes, but I won that geometry competition fair and circle.
Nathan Cowley

Greengrocer

When I asked my green grocer for some asparagus tips he told me to stay well away from them.
Crispin Fisher

Getting to sleep

People with insomnia say it's a nightmare. How do they know?
David Kidder

Trump

Donald Trump says he's against diversity, equity and inclusion schemes on farms, vowing to put an end to DEI-E-I-O.
Nathan Cowley

Church

My friend wants to take the local priest out to an Italian restaurant. I think she fancies the pastor.
Iain Christie

Personal trainer

My girlfriend was impressed when I said I had a personal trainer, less impressed when she saw I'd just written my name on my Reeboks.
DaveEff

Water

I'm starting to doubt my friend speaks French. Asked him the word for water and he sounded surprised.
Marc Pinto

Diets

Last week I started a diet where I only eat coins. I haven't seen any change yet.
Alice Hancock

New year, new me

Last year I decided to get into shape. And I did it. Technically, an egg is a shape.
Mat Smith

Rules

This competition is open for entries until further notice. You must have a valid BCG Pro subscription to enter.

You may submit one joke in each entry window. Entry windows normally last a week each, running from Monday through to Sunday.

British Comedy Guide reserves the right to alter the terms of this contest and/or the duration of any entry window at its discretion.

All entries must be the original work of the entrant, and must not infringe the rights of any other party.

At the closure of each entry window British Comedy Guide's editorial team will select their favourite joke as that window's winner. If deemed suitable for a general audience, the joke will be shared via British Comedy Guide's Facebook, Instagram and Twitter accounts, and in the website's Weekly Newsletter (normally sent on a Monday). The winning entrant will be credited by name and, if submitted with a Twitter handle, by that on the Tweet.

Jokes may be ommitted from Twitter if their length and a necessary explanation exceeds the platform's character limit.

The winner will receive £10 in cash. This can be paid via BACS or PayPal.