In quite a coup for British Comedy Guide, we managed to secure an interview with none other than Prince William, or 'Wills' as he prefers to be known...

Hi Wills. What are you up to?

Oh you know, Royal Duties. Don't like to complain, but they can be quite arduous. Like yesterday we were visiting South London - even though it's the capital people don't realise the deprivation. We were in Wimbledon actually and some of those outside courts don't even have designated seating.

Are you sad you're finishing your job as an air ambulance pilot?

Yes - what I'll miss most is the banter. It's only since working with an ordinary bunch of lads who laugh at literally everything I say that I've realised how normal I am. And they're really cool about Baines my butler hanging out as well.

Do you have a role model?

The Duke of Edinburgh. He just cuts through any BS (bullshit). Although he does overuse the words 'fuck' and 'slitty eyed'. My other role model is Captain Nemo. I'd love to go around the world in a nuclear submarine blowing up cities and fighting squid. But that's not to say I don't enjoy going to The Royal Variety Show too!

Certainly Your Highness. What's the best thing about being Royal?

You never have to worry about anything! Money, career. Somebody's taken care of everything. In fact the only surprise you get is what you're having for supper - you don't know 'til it's on the table and the butler lifts the cloche off. It's really exciting. Having said that it's nearly always Dover sole.

And the worst thing?

Having to talk to Princess Anne. She's so miserable!

Do you ever think if you weren't Royal you'd have got a girl as pretty as Kate?

To be honest I don't think she is that pretty. She's probably a seven. Ooh. Actually, would you mind not printing that or I'll catch it when I get home?

Where do you see yourself in 50 years time?

Given Dad's medical care, probably waiting to be king!

What's your favourite film?

Edward Scissorhands. I just feel such a connection with that character: we're both outsiders, we're both different. And neither of us can masturbate - him because he's got scissors for hands and me because I'm worried my internet history will get leaked.

What do you make of the current state that politics is in at the moment?

No comment! Actually I do have to stay out of all that for constitutional reasons. Different with football of course where I can express a view. Which is this: Villa shits on Arsenal and Chelsea.

Your dad looks set to be King next. Do you think he will make a good king?

No. You, as an outsider, only see the half of it. At the risk of seeming indiscreet, he's quite mad. Most of the day he has to be kept in a straitjacket and kept calm with drugs and PowerPoint presentations of fifteenth century Sienna.

Do you ever get the chance to do anything normal? Like do the weekly shop or clear your gutters?

That's a really good question. If I knew what a weekly shop was - or indeed a gutter - then I'd be able to answer it.

What are your plans for the rest of the year?

Well, it's a funny old game being next in line to the throne - really you spend most of your time waiting for people to die. So I'll be doing that, bit of X Box, bit of opening The Chelsea Flower Show.

Thank you Your Highness.

Please, just call me 'sir'.