Quotes

Me and Mike met up with these two Scottish guys in the pub and they gave us all this cheap speed... y'know they were so nice. I think if we'd said no they'd have got offended and beaten us to death with a pool cue

Tim Bisley (Simon Pegg) in Series 1, Episode 3

Tim, I'm not going to buy you porn. You can get it from railway sidings like everybody else.

Daisy Steiner (Jessica Hynes) in Series 1, Episode 3

It's gonna be okay... Now have a big toke on this South-African drugs reefer style splif doobie.

Tim Bisley (Simon Pegg) in Series 1, Episode 3

We went to see an interesting piece of contemporary theatre, drank an enormous amount of free wine, ate our body-weight in Twiglets and you punched an artist in the face.

Daisy Steiner (Jessica Hynes) in Series 1, Episode 3

Well, I got a letter from my ex-girlfriend this morning, 3 months too late, explaining why she dumped me. It was full of 'you'll always be special' and 'I'll always love you' platitudes designed to make me feel better whilst simultaneously appeasing her deep seated sense of guilt for dumping me, running off with a slimy little city boy called Duane and destroying my faith in everything which is good and pure... It made me want to drown things!!

Tim Bisley (Simon Pegg) in Series 1, Episode 4

Oh my god I've got some fucking Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket.

Tim Bisley (Simon Pegg) in Series 1, Episode 5

Last night was an A-1, tip top clubbing jam fair. It was a sandwich of fun on ecstacy bread, wrapped up in a big bag of like disco fudge. It doesn't get much better than that, I just wish that sometimes I could control these F**KING MOOD SWINGS! [calmer] So what did you'se two do last night?

Tyres O'Flaherty (Michael Smiley) in Series 1, Episode 6

I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andie MacDowell - ohhh

Mike Watt (Nick Frost) in Series 1, Episode 7

In 1994 while on weekend manoeuvres in France, I commandeered a Chieftain tank without the permission of my immediate superiors. I then attempted to invade Paris. However, en route I stopped off at Disneyland, or Eurodisney as it was then called, and was subsequently apprehended on Space Mountain.

Mike Watt (Nick Frost) in Series 1, Episode 7

You are so blind! You so do not understand! You weren't there at the beginning. You don't know how good it was! How important! This is it for you! This jumped-up firework display of a toy advert! People like you make me sick! What's wrong with you?! Now, I don't care if you've saved up all your fifty 'p's, take your pocket money and get out!

Tim Bisley (Simon Pegg) in Series 2, Episode 1

I was like you once. Blonde hair. Scraggly little beard. Childlike ears. Full of beans, and spunk. I let my principles get in the way of things.

Bilbo Bagshot (Bill Bailey) in Series 2, Episode 2

Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like... fuckin'... Shaft!

Tim Bisley (Simon Pegg) in Series 2, Episode 2

There's nothing more devastating than a big chopper.

Daisy Steiner (Jessica Hynes) in Series 2, Episode 3

You can't drink a pint of Bovril.

Mike Watt (Nick Frost) in Series 2, Episode 4

She's shallow, Brian. She's like Cordelia out of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and latterly Angel, the spin off series which is set in LA.

Tim Bisley (Simon Pegg) in Series 2, Episode 6