Mark performs from The Witham in Barnard Castle, County Durham, a town so remote and so keen on not wanting visitors than Mark is slightly unsure if the town really exists. He talks about the local police, Charles Dickens and a visits a gigantic museum that houses a mechanical swan.

His tour of local towns continues as Mark Steel visits the County Durham town of Barnard Castle. A picturesque place - home to a castle, friendly locals and one of the most impressive and surprising museums on earth (really, it's ridiculous). In spite of all this, hardly anyone knows the town exists. Attempting to reach 'Barney' by public transport is not an easy task, taking so long that Mark begins to wonder if in fact it is a real place at all.

Mark speaks to local policeman PC Steven Purchase about the alarmingly low levels of crime in the area; marvels at the majesty of a silver, clockwork swan and tries to get to the bottom of why the people of Barnard Castle seem to keep the place such a secret.