Quotes

Talking about Stuart

I have to let him in. He's helped me out financially in the past... without realising it.

Sean (Sean Lock) in Series 1, Episode 1

Reading a recipe

Pork stuffed with whelks, apples, and done in a rabbit's liver sauce. That's surf, turf, orchard and burrow! You can't have all those on the same plate.

Sean (Sean Lock) in Series 2, Episode 3

Conversation

Prospective flat mate who's an actress in Cats: "Just because it's Andrew Lloyd Webber, everybody thinks it's crap, I mean I know it's not Shakespeare..."

Sean: "... but he might have written it, if he'd lived longer. I mean he was in his prime when he died, I'm sure later in life, when he was senile and incontinent, he could have easily written Cats."

in Series 1, Episode 1

Overheard

All I say is stop genetic engineering now, because it's making the news too hard.

in Series 1, Episode 1

Singing a folk song in the police cell

Oh, bring me ten apples and bring me a pear,
I'll bake you a hat that your daughter can wear,
To the wedding, to the wedding, as fast as can be,
My horse has one leg so I might be quite late,
But don't start without me, 'cos I am the groom,
On the night that she...

Sean (Sean Lock) in Series 1, Episode 2

Sean, at work as a lifeguard at his local swimming pool, talking to a young child...

"Oi, sonny, no running"

"But I wanna go to the diving board"

"Well walk"

"I've only got little legs"

"Well grow up"

"But I'm excited"

"Well don't be, swimming's rubbish"

Sean (Sean Lock) in Series 1, Episode 5

Sean, at work as a lifeguard at his local swimming pool, talking to a young child...

"Oi, pack that in"

"What"

"Making those noises"

"Why"

"You're putting people off their stroke"

"It doesn't say anything on the board about it. It says no running, bombing, heavy petting... nothing about armpit farts"

"Well it doesn't say anything about Viking funerals, but we certainly discourage it"

Sean (Sean Lock) in Series 1, Episode 5

Conversation in Flat 71

Woman: "Little Ticky Tiger jumped at the fish, But he didn't see the lion with the great big dish
He sang another tune on the oompaloompa flute, Then his pants fell down and his bum..."

Man: "For God's sake Jasmin, we're trying to write a song for Europe!"

in Series 2, Episode 1

Conversation

Podge talking to Sean about Billy 'Two Nans'...

Poor bloke, I'd hate to have a nickname.

Your parents christened you Podge?

Well I was a fat baby.

Did they give you a middle name?

Yea, they were big fans of Neil Innes.

Well why don't you use Neil?

No, that wasn't the bit they used, it's Podge Innes.

in Series 2, Episode 2

Talking about the pigeon lady

Errol: "Why don't we try and make friends with her"?

Sean: "No, no Errol, once you've made that decision that pigeons are your best friends, there's no turning back. She didn't just wake up one day and say 'people no, rancid vermin blessed with flight... mmm mmm, yes please'!"

in Series 2, Episode 3

Conversation

Sean: "Errol, will you stop singing that song"?

Errol: "I can't help it, it's just sorta got stuck in my head".

Sean: "What you've gotta do, is imagine the band on stage playing that song, and imagine yourself standing in front of them with a flame thrower, and wooof. It worked when I had an REM song stuck in my head, Michael Stripe went up like a Korean sofa... by the end they were neither shiny or happy!"

in Series 2, Episode 4

Hippy girl talking about India

It is so exciting to live in a country where you could get killed by a tiger... or a salad.

in Series 2, Episode 5

After being invited to watch a Born Free video, with 45 minutes extra cub footage

Ah sorry, I've already made arrangements to go to the pub... and have a quiet drink... on my own.

Sean (Sean Lock) in Series 2, Episode 5