Lewis Roberts

Lewis Roberts's avatar
Southampton, England
Member since
November 2006
Member type
Forum posts


Hello there, i am a stand-up comedy fanatic and have been writing as long as i remember, (thats nothing to boast about i can't remember what i ate last night), i was rumoured to write in the womb, (i think it was my mums womb, otherwise we have problems), my influences include: Robin Williams, Lee Evans, Patrice o'neal, Dara o'brian and Tim Allen, my favorite sitcoms are Early doors, men behaving badly and home improvement. My siganatures on the site are parts of my stand up so you know what i'm made of, i change them every couple of weeks, other hobbies include following my football team, who play in the conference, home and away, also i like club music and kebabs, i have been described as quick witted and a cronic bout of verbal diarrhoea, "or was that just diarrhoea"? i have a habit of embarasing myself in public, i am physically fit,,,ow who am i kidding i'm a fat bastard(although i prefer to be called "mildly plump"). I look forward to chatting.

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Hi im Lewis Roberts i am a stand up fanatic and have witten since i was young, a script, i have been described as a car crash between Lee Evans and Robin Williams (not really i was described as a car crash i.e. a mess) i am quite animated, use accents, n.v.c and have a great imagination, i have been described as a crude little man and a smelly little man, i live for football, food, drink, comedy, television, stand-up and banter, i find it hard not to fidget and am always thinking comedy, influences are Lee Evans, Robin Williams, Tim Allen and Chris Rock, i also have a habit of embarrasing myself in public places and embarrasing other people (it's just embarrasing to walk around with me, as my mum says). I write quite animated stuff with a realistic yet imaginative side to things, i also do some topical stuff.



"I think every man should have a pet name for his penis, some call theirs 'the beast', 'tiny tim' and even 'mini me', i call mine 'the hulk',,,,because it's green. LEWIS ROBERTS (THE BRIGHTER SIDE C)
"judges are becoming a joke, buit soon they will be replaced by computer judges, it will never work as their is to many problems with technology, like pop-ups, the judge will say "you have been found guilty of murder, amred robbery, fraud and terrorism, so i hereby sentence you to CHEAP VIAGRA" "sorry are you sentencing me to viagra, i know you said all stand for the judge but thats taking the piss"". LEWIS ROBERTS (THE BRIGHTER SIDE C)
It annoys me that China has a China town in nearly every country, but there isn't a England town, why?, i want a England town, it could be a pub, a kebab shop and a bloke throwing up in a gutter. LEWIS ROBERTS (THE BRIGHTER SIDE C)
Have you ever noticed that the people that win the lottery are complete nutters?, "Hi ms. Taylor you've just won £8 million on the lottery what are you going to spend it on?, your family and children?" "i'm going to spend it on new boobs, new thighs and a face lift" "err.. but what about the kids?" "i was talking about the kids" LEWIS ROBERTS (THE BRIGHTER SIDE C)
I was getting of a train the other day and i saw a walking crutch left in the luggage area, i thought "how the f*** can you forget your walking crutch, i bet there is some old guy dragging himself along the pavement, through dog shit, chewing gum, bleeding from the knees thinking "you know i have a suspicion that i am forgetting something, but what?"(Lewis Roberts the brighter side c)
I would love to have seen the English build something great like the great wall of China, the thing is we would probably have built it and still called it the great wall of china, no but could you imagine building something like this with our builders?, "right we need to build a wall to keep out enemies, it must spread the length of England and must be sturdy enough to withhold the feircest of enemy weapons and we need it done soon" "right yeah i reckon i can get the materials in a couple of months time, but it will take a while to build, you've got labour, material delivery time and about 12 hours a day of tea breaks and time for the lads to shout 'oi oi you scrubber get up here and suck down there to passing females".
Nextdoor neighbours are great, did you see this story that this man didn't notice that his nextdoor neighbour was dead even though her husband was out at midnight digging up the patio, "he's at it again, digging up that bloody patio, he's burying a rug, NO DON'T BURY THAT, I'LL HAVE IT, ow and how much do you want for that dead body?" "why would you want a dead womans body?" "ow my blow up doll has got a puncture" (this ones a bit sick) LEWIS ROBERTS (THE BRIGHTER SIDE C)
What is up with modern day politicians?, they sleep around more than Paris Hilton, you ring up the sun newspaper and say "i slept with the foreign secretary" and all you get is "so turn to page 3 and see her on all four" "sorry don't you mean all fours?" "no all four, the health secretary, the education minister, the prime minister and the leader of the opposition".
I see all these people ?RowId5UserId ÿDisplayTitle ÿWork2Date ÿWorkNow ÿSkill5Profile??ContactOther ??IsWriter5IsActorhave been finding body parts in their foods, someone found a toenail in their kebab, another person found a finger in some bread and someone found a nose in a bottle of ketchup, my mate found a penis in his chocolate mousse, i told him "you do know you could sue the makers for thousands?" he replyed "i will, it tasted horrible" LEWIS ROBERTS (THE BRIGHTER SIDE C)
******************************************************************************** I love seeing those forensic guys on the news, they line up and walk side by side studying every square inch of land, what do they expect to find? "GUYS look what i found" "what is it Billy?" "it's a twenty pence peice" "ow you lucky bugger, all i found is someones finger tip and some blood" (LEWIS ROBERTS, THE BRIGHTER SIDE C)
I bought tickets for me and my girlfriend to see those magicians "david & donya" they can change from a evening dress to a sport suit, or a tuxedo to a track suit in under two seconds, they can get changed over one hundred times in under a minute, i missed the show though, i was waiting for my girlfriend to get changed (LEWIS ROBERTS, THE BRIGHTER SIDE C)
so there is just a few quotes of mine, i write for about three hours a day, sometimes more but never less.