Random 8

Gill Sims

Gill Sims

One random comedian, eight random questions; it's the ultimate test of funny person and fate.

Wading through a wasteland of desecrated Lindt and tinfoil this post-Easter Tuesday, we welcome the popular author, blogger and now live turn, Gill Sims. You'll probably be aware of her bestselling book Why Mummy Drinks, which has since spawned several offspring of its own, appropriately.

As well as several follow-up Why Mummy books, there's also a new UK tour. We'll let Sims explain:

"Tits, Gits and Little Shits is basically Jo Middleton [@slummysinglemummy] and me, chatting all things female, relationships and family - the 'tits', the 'gits' and the 'little shits' of the title.

"We cover pretty much everything from the perimenopause to the PTA, and gin to genitals, with a bit of sex, swearing and silliness thrown in (we talk about sex, we don't do it. It's not that sort of show). It's brilliant fun to do, it's so nice to be out there again and actually meeting real people!"

Gill Sims - Tits, Gits and Little Sh*ts Live Tour

Gin-filled eggs next Easter, anyone? But for now, Gill Sims, your Random 8 await.

What was your childhood career dream?

First, I wanted to be a ballerina, but my lack of co-ordination and dedication killed that dream by the time I was five. Then I wanted to be a vet, but watching James Herriot put his hand up a cow's unmentionable bits on All Creatures Great and Small put me off that (along with my general indolence meaning I would never have been up for putting in the work to get the grades).

So in the end, I did mechanical engineering at university, mainly because I had been at an all girls' school, and apparently the course was mostly boys, which seemed as good a reason to pick a course as any!

Who are you most envious of?

People who don't procrastinate for hours/ days/ weeks before completing simple tasks.

What's the best thing you ever drank?

A watermelon mojito in Florida. I have been trying to recreate it ever since, but I think you really need to be lying by a pool in the Florida sunshine to get the full effect!

Is there a book or film that changed your life?

Ring of Bright Water gave me a lifelong desire for a pet otter. My husband repeatedly tells me that firstly, I cannot keep an otter in the bath, and secondly, moving to a remote Hebridean island to make my otter happy when he gets tired of his bath is not a reasonable Life Goal. I reckon I'll wear him down yet.

When were you most embarrassed?

Oh God, how do I pick? Recently, it's probably a toss up between choking on my Diet Coke while out for lunch with my children and them repeatedly and increasingly loudly asking 'Do you have Covid, Mum? Are you sure you don't have Covid, Mum? Are you REALLY SURE you don't HAVE COVID, MUM?'

Or nipping out of the venue at a show to get a phone signal. When I came back in and tried to go backstage again, a staff member said 'What are you doing? Can I help you?' and I was too mortified to say 'I'm on tonight actually' because it was all too 'Don't you know who I am?' so I just stood there saying 'Um um' and pointing at the backstage door, until they took pity on me and said 'It's OK, I was only joking, I know who you are'.

By this time however, my tour manager had come over to see what I was making a scene about, and a small crowd had gathered, and it was all quite mortifying!

Gill Sims

Do you have a favourite shop?

Lovely, lovely John Lewis, obviously, because I am really almost too middle class to function.

When I was pregnant, I heard that story, which is probably an urban myth, about how if you give birth in John Lewis, they give you loads of free stuff, so I spent a lot of time there heavily pregnant and loitering hopefully.

With hindsight, clearly if you went into labour in John Lewis, even if it was true about the free stuff, they'd probably hustle you out fairly sharpish, so you'd really need to pop in just before you actually dropped. In fairness, if you are that dedicated, you probably deserve a lifetime supply of middle-class joy and cushions.

Which low-key law would you introduce?

I would ban any kind of themed dress-up day at school, e.g. World Book Day, Dotty Day, Wear-Something-In-A-Specific-Random-Colour-No one-Has-Any-Item-Of-Clothing-In-Day.

Who's the most interesting person you've ever met?

Jilly Cooper! She's had such a fascinating life, and knows EVERYONE and asks things like 'Do you know Joanna Lumley?' and I have to confess that I live in Scotland and I get most of my news and gossip from the coal man, who seems to know an enormous number of interesting things about Scottish public figures that don't make it to the papers...

Tits, Gits and Little Shits is touring now. For dates and tickets visit gillsims.com

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