Alice Cockayne

Written by: Si Hawkins
Published: Tuesday 24th June 2025

One random comedian, eight random questions; it's the ultimate test of funny person and fate.

This week that funny person is Alice Cockayne, who's off to Glastonbury before gearing up for the Edinburgh Fringe, with the excellently-named Licensed. Professional. Trained. Qualified. Which sounds like the pitch for a firm of divorce lawyers but...

"My new show is probably even more chaotic than my last; more wigs, more shit," contends Cockayne. "Not actual shit. I don't think the Pleasance would allow that, but props. I've really got into these weird dolls' heads from Amazon. Every year I'm like, 'I'm not doing all this stuff anymore I'm just gonna do normal straight stand-up.' But then the whimsical feeling of being the mysterious girl struggling in 30 degree heat with loads of props draws me back in."

Is there some method to the madness?

"The show is kind of about a scary, deranged mother figure and her kids. The audience are all the kids. In like a non-creepy way. It's a mixed character/clown show and it's really silly late night fun. I actually feel sick writing that but it is and everyone should come and embrace the chaos.

"There are multiple characters that are all pretty unhinged women because that's who I like playing best. There are songs, rice cakes, a birth, a sweaty breast plate. Something for everyone really! It's really a commentary on life, work, pressure, society and fucking shit up. I like to think I'm like Julia Davis but on crack."

Crack Cockayne: it's got a ring to it. But now, Alice Cockayne, your Random 8 await:

Who was your childhood hero?

Probably my nan (so cute). She was an iconic woman who always wore purple and had a collection of bells that she never used. Sooo many bells. Really iconic. She was addicted to bingo and went every single day until she was like 85. She used to sit through hours of me performing in front of her, knocking over bells and racing round the lounge on her mobility scooter. She really enabled chaotic behaviour in me which I never stopped doing.

Also she let me eat biscuits in bed. But the bed did have ants in. Probably because of the biscuits but can't be too sure.

The best thing you ever bought?

Either my lobster sandals - like, don't really need to expand much on that they're amazing - or this really big pottery flamenco dancer from an antique shop. But I recently got spooked by her and thought she was smiling at night and not smiling in the day.

I don't know what she would be smiling about at night but the only logical thing I could think of was that she is a demon and she is haunting me. I was really close to throwing her out but then thought, 'fuck it maybe I'll just get haunted by a demon for a bit.' Liven things up.

Which live event would you most liked to have attended.

There's like a meet-up of loads of golden retrievers somewhere that happens. They're not even my favourite dog but I've seen videos of people at these events and honestly it looks like the best time of your life.

What's the worst thing in your wardrobe?

So many bad things that I've bought for characters over the years. There's a bra that is stuffed with plastic Co-op carrier bags that's really weird and bad. There's a big fish bag like a trout or something and I've never worn it out, it just stares at me in my room. I feel like I'd feel like one of those men on dating apps holding a big fish if I went out with it.

The worst thing is probably the pregnancy bump but it's also the best. I really want to wear it out and get the yummy mummy treatment just for the day. See how it would feel. Make some mum friends. Discuss our cravings and hormones and that.

Which British town should be abolished?

I'm from a place near a place called 'Skem', Skelmersdale, and that is just made up of roundabouts. Like you actually start to feel a bit sick there just constantly on a roundabout. But it does have a big crisp factory.

It always smells of crisps and it used to make me feel so hungry all the time. Smelling the delicious waft of stingy, vinegar Discos travelling on the fields. It was torture. So probably Skem. Sorry Skem. I just love crisps but I can't eat them 24/7. It's just so hard.

Ever met a particularly great or awful famous person?

I met Dizzee Rascal when I was 15 and he was a lovely, charismatic, charming man. He said to me 'Alice, if you want to release some music and jam, like, we should make it happen.' Invited me to his studio and said I could make it on the next Bonkers number two track.

There was a massive fire in his studio and all our work got burned down. Apparently a random crazy fox just ran in with loads of little baby foxes all carrying lighters and petrol and they were just screaming 'we hate Dizzee Rascal and we hate his music.' It was so shocking and awful. So that's why you've never heard any of our collaborations.

What's the best non-comedy room you've ever been in?

Ikea. Has a lot of great little rooms I have loved being in over the years. Pretending I'm in a little family. Cooking up a meal for my kids and husband. I always get kicked out for trying to make a casserole. I'm always nice and say to the staff they can have some too. We can all sit down in the little kitchen. Please be my guest. But no, they always throw me out. Ikea car park with half a casserole is not ideal.

Which low-key law would you introduce?

Probably no whistling. I just hate it so much. I hate it when someone is just walking down the street whistling like 'I'm sorry, no. Stop it now'. And, sorry, but 90% of the time it's a man whistling. Why do they think we all want to hear this silly little sound coming out of your mouth? Oh you're happy? Keep it to yourself please.

Alice Cockayne: Licensed. Professional. Trained. Qualified. is at Edinburgh's Pleasance Courtyard from 30 July to 24 August. Tickets