Followers of the Weirdos comedy group will be familiar with Crocodile and Dorito Fish, two of the group's many recurring characters. Ahead of their appearance in the now traditional annual treat that is the Weirdos Alternative Christmas Pantomime, we asked Croc to write us an article about his 'Perfect Christmas'...

Crocodile: Oh no what am I going to do? British Comedy Guide want me to write an article about my perfect Christmas and crocodiles don't know the first thing about writing articles!

Dorito Fish: Don't worry Crocodile - when I was a young crisp fish, myself and the other Crisp Fish - Golden-Wonder Haddock and Nik-Naks Mackerel - would start planning our Christmases in the summertime. The ice creams dribbled down our gills like slugs on a damp bouncy castle, but when the Turkey came through the post-box on-time everyone knew it was worthwhile.

Crocodile: Dorito Fish, will you help me write this article then? I've got ink all over my nostrils and I haven't even written a single word yet.

Dorito Fish: Have you washed your hands? A clean crocodile makes for heady performance reviews.

Crocodile: Stop interrupting!

Dorito Fish: You're quite right Crocodile. Maybe I leave that casserole in a bit longer - now onto this article. Tell me . . . what do you like about Christmas?

Crocodile: Which one is Christmas again? Is that the one with all the lanyards?

Dorito Fish: No, no, you're thinking of the Sales Innovation Expo at the Excel Centre. Christmas is the one with the snow and Robson and Jerome.

Crocodile: Crocodiles love Robson and Jerome.

Dorito Fish: Great, you already have something for your perfect Christmas article - write down 'Robson and Jerome'.

Crocodile: Oh nooo, my Christmas article is only 3 words long. Is there anything else I can write?

Dorito Fish: What about the food? Would your perfect Christmas have any nice food?

Crocodile: Which one is Christmas again? Is that the one with all the rapids?

Dorito Fish: No, no, you're thinking of Centre Parcs in Longleat. Christmas is the one with the snow and Cranberry Sauce.

Crocodile: Cranberry Sauce? That's disgusting. When I eat too much Cranberry Sauce I get bum-farts all over the place. I much prefer a nice warm Jaffa-Cakes Sandwich.

Dorito Fish: This is very intriguing - maybe you could add Jaffa-Cakes Sandwich to your Perfect Christmas article.

Crocodile: I'll just write bread - they'll know what I mean.

Dorito Fish: Your article is getting quite long now Crocodile - maybe there's room for one more thing to go on the list?

When I was a young Crisp Fish myself and the other crisp-fish - Skips-Herring and Brannigans Bream - would celebrate our Christmas's by volunteering down the soup kitchen and enjoying the Crisp-Fish revue pantomime. What a jolly old laugh as papa would don a wig and mock the local koi-polloi.

Crocodile: I don't want 'soup kitchen' and pantomime on my list - I want to play Scalextric.

Dorito Fish: Are you sure? Maybe there's a pantomime you'd like to promote?

Crocodile: No, Scalextric . . . and my article is complete.

Crocodile's Perfect Christmas

Robson and Jerome
Bread
Scalextric

The Weirdos Alternative Christmas Pantomime 2016 has now finished. For news on future adventures follow @dorito_fish and @WeirdosComedy

Also: See Croc and Dorito Fish in 'A Load Of Croc', their documentary on Crocodiles. Watch