Up-and-coming author Christopher Bliss writes 'two or three novels a day'. He's returning to the Edinburgh Festival this August to share his latest stories with audiences. To help highlight why you should come and see his literary prowess in action, he sent BCG his latest work:
Hello! My name's Christopher Bliss, village-renowned novelist and son of two. I hope you enjoy my new novel!
Bang. Bang. Ouch. These are the sounds of World War 1...
Our story follows a young German soldier by the name of Jimmy Buttons. Jimmy was 19, going on 20. He was brave, but he found life hard in the trenches - there weren't many restaurants or cafes, and he had to rely mainly on packed lunches. Being a soldier was no ordinary 9 to 5. It was in fact a very difficult 9 to 5.
It was 8:45am, and Jimmy was stuck in traffic. "I shouldn't have had that extra croissant at breakfast," he thought to himself. "If I'm late, I'm going to have to do 100 press-ups."
But when Jimmy arrived at his trench, the officer had gone. He looked up and down but nobody was to be seen. "They can't all be playing hide and seek," he thought to himself. "Where the ruddy hell have they all gone?"
Jimmy was about to call it a day when he suddenly saw hundreds of dead bodies all around him. Heads without bodies, bodies without heads, and loads of necks aswell, just spread around the field.
He heard a cough from behind him, and saw his officer lying on the ground with his legs blown off, just about to die. He ran over to him.
"Officer, officer! Sorry the traffic was awful! I was honking for ages but nobody would budge. Do you want me to do 100 press-ups?"
"Yes please," said the officer, and Jimmy did a hundred press-ups. Just as he finished the officer turned to him.
"This is probably the last sentence I've got left in me," he said. And then he died. Jimmy did what any soldier would have done. He pushed his eyelids shut and said "Bye then".
Suddenly Jimmy was surrounded by the whole of the British Army. "You're German aren't you?" said a British Officer. "How do you know?" asked Jimmy, in German.
The officer pulled his trigger, and the bullet went sprinting across the air.
"I've got to think quickly," he thought to himself. "I've got to think very very quickly indeed."
Jimmy had a quick rummage in his pockets and found the world's most powerful grenade. Just before the bullet stabbed him in the head, he threw it into the air. The entire British Army was killed in the explosion. Everybody was turned into smithereens.