Hi. This is draft 5 of my comedy drama/sitcom. I'd be delighted if you could give me some feedback as I think it may be time to send it off after a few more drafts (but you may think otherwise!). P.S: It is double spaced on Word!

WORTH MORE DEAD

BY

FRED PETERS

Synopsis

Derek Mandrill, a low status part-time Music lecturer, realises he is worth more dead than alive and wants nothing more than to impress his long suffering and hard up wife. He has his chequebook stolen on a shopping trip during his summer holiday. He discovers the man who has stolen his chequebook - incidentally Derek’s lookalike – in a bank, cashing a cheque in his name. In the ensuing chase and fracas, the thief dies (Derek chases him until the man has a fatal seizure on the bonnet of his own car). Derek fakes his own death by switching clothes and personal effects with the dead man and assuming his identity.

He attends his own funeral and is spotted by an ex girlfriend, hostile to Derek’s wife, who becomes his confidante. The police officer in charge of the investigation into Derek’s ‘death’ becomes much too friendly with his grieving wife and gets his feet under the table.

The series would revolve around Derek’s ill-fated attempts to keep up another’s identity, the increasingly obsessive surveillance of his wife and his attempts to contact her about the life assurance and other policies which she knew nothing about. At every point, his efforts are thwarted by the omnipresent and ever suspicious policeman who senses a scam and always forces Derek to flee or withdraw. It would also explore the relationship between Derek and his ex girlfriend who is unhappily married and the security guard who ends up shielding him in a department store from the net that is closing in on him.

Derek, the security guard and Derek’s ex become trapped in a claustrophobic world of hope, despair, deceit and absurdity.

OPENING CREDITS: EXT, DAY. BRIDGEWATER COLLEGE OF FURTHER EDUCATION IN THE SOUTH OF ENGLAND.
LAST DAY OF TERM. SOUND OF APPALLING CHOIR SINGING ‘BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATER’ BY SIMON AND GARFUNKEL. MONTAGE OF PAN SHOTS BETWEEN GROUNDS OF COLLEGE AND THE LIVES OF DEREK AND HIS WIFE, KAREN.
PAN SHOT OF COLLEGE SIGN THAT SAYS, ‘BRIDGEWATER – YOUR BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATER’. CUT TO CHOIR SINGING WHILE DEREK WINCES. CUT TO KAREN, DEREK’S WIFE AT HOME, PACKING SOME DESIGNER DRESSES INTO A PADDED ENVELOPE AND SEALING IT WITH MASKING TAPE. CUT TO A CLASS OF SIXTH FORM STUDENTS FILING OUT OF DEREK’S CLASSROOM, GIVING VALEDICTORY THUMBS UP SIGNS AND HANDSHAKES. CUT BACK TO KAREN POSTING SEVERAL PADDED ENVELOPES. CUT BACK TO CLASSROOM AS A MALE STUDENT SURREPTITIOUSLY PLACES A SARDINE IN DEREK’S JACKET POCKET.

SCENE 1. INT DAY. PERSONNEL/ HUMAN RESOURCES OFFICE
CLOSE UP OF SIGN ON DOOR SAYING: KATHY MERENGO, PERSONNEL. AS DEREK MANDRILL ENTERS THE OFFICE, KATHY – A FLATULENT, ROTUND MIDDLE AGED WOMAN - IS STANDING BEHIND THE DOOR. DEREK GASPS WITH FRIGHT AS SHE TOUCHES HIM ON THE LOWER BACK.

Kathy:
Helloooo. Derek - you wanted to look at the new pensions documentation?

Derek:
Yeah, sorry, lost the last lot. Accident with a...

HE LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW AND SEES A CARETAKER MOWING THE LAWN

Derek:
Lawnmower.

Kathy:
Aw. I killed one of my garden gnomes with a lawnmower.

CUT TO FLASHBACK OF KATHY BRANDISHING A DECAPITATED GARDEN GNOME AND WAILING UNCONTROLLABLY.
Kathy:
What’s that awful smell?
Derek:
I think it might be –
Kathy:
It’s like – oooh
SHE SPRAYS AIR FRESHENER ALL AROUND DEREK’S FACE AND BODY, MAKING HIM SPLUTTER.
Kathy:
There.
SHE HANDS HIM THE PENSIONS DOCUMENTS.
H.R manager:
Anyway, enjoy your holiday – going anywhere nice?
Derek:
Hmm. Sore point.
ON THE WAY OUT, DEREK SKIM READS HIS PENSION DOCUMENTS AND MUTTERS UNDER HIS BREATH TO HIMSELF.

Derek:
Bloody ell, I’m worth more dead than alive...

CUT.

SCENE 2. EXT DAY. OUTSIDE THE COLLEGE.

DEREK IS TALKING ON HIS MOBILE TO HIS WIFE, KAREN, WHO IS SEARCHING FOR HOLIDAYS ON THE INTERNET.

Karen:
The cheapest I can find in 499 for a week in Corfu, unnamed accommodation.
DEREK FISHES OUT THE SARDINE FROM HIS POCKET AND RECOILS IN HORROR.
Derek:
Oh, God – it stinks!

Karen:
Yeah, bad drains over there. Or 549 for Majorca.
Derek:
Some monkey has put a fish in my pocket.
Karen:
Aw – little end of term prezzie?
Derek:
I bet it was that Danny Bateman.
Karen:
Is he the one who looks like Charlie Dimmock?
Derek:
Yeah. Bastard.
Karen:
That’s no way to talk about a national treasure. 549 for a week in Majorca?
Derek:
That’s 5 hundred and forty nine?
Karen:
No, Derek, it’s a bunch of random numbers and I’m Carol soddin’ Vorderman. Yes, it –
Derek:
It’s just that this isn’t one of those adverts for you know, Futon Planet or World of Kettle or something..
AS DEREK IS TALKING, HOLDING A SARDINE AT ARM’S LENGTH, A HUDDLE OF FEMALE STUDENTS WALK PAST.
Student:
Ooh, sir’s got fishy fingers!
THE STUDENTS COLLAPSE INTO GIGGLES.
Derek (under his breath):
So will your mum since she went to prison.
Karen:
Derek, are you listening?

Derek:
Look, we break up for a long hot summer at 12.30, I’m off into town to buy some records. Ring you late afternoon?
Karen (haughtily):
Or maybe you could see if you could do better in a travel agent in town?

FADE

SCENE 3. EXT: DAY. OUTSIDE A TYPICAL HIGH STREET TRAVEL AGENT.

DEREK PEERS THROUGH THE WINDOW AND, SEEING THE LONG QUEUE, DECIDES TO GO OVER THE ROAD TO RETRO RECORD SHOP, ‘THE VINYL FRONTIER’ INSTEAD.
WIPE TO INSIDE ‘THE VINYL FRONTIER’.

SCENE 4. INT DAY, INSIDE THE RECORD SHOP.
‘MMMM’ BY CRASH TEST DUMMIES IS BLARING OUT OF THE LOW QUALITY SPEAKERS ON THE WALLS OF THE SHOP.
WHILST RIFLING THROUGH THE INDIE SECTION, HE FEELS SOMEONE BRUSH AGAINST HIM. HE LOOKS UP FROM THE PIXIES BACK CATALOGUE AND SEES SOME PAINT-SPATTERED TROUSERS WALKING OUT OF THE STORE AT CONSIDERABLE PACE. DEREK FEELS FOR HIS WALLET, WHICH HE FINDS BUT THEN FEELS IN THE OTHER POCKET, WHICH IS NOW EMPTY.
DEREK PANICKILY ADDRESSES THE MAN BEHIND THE COUNTER, A LUGUBRIOUS BESPECTACLED LOAFER:

Derek:
Someone’s nicked my chequebook!

Record shop man:
Sorry, we haven’t got anything by them.

Derek:
No, did you see anyone take my cheque book.. that man…! Oh, forget it – you dopey arsewit!

AS HE RUNS OUT, THE MAN WHINES, ‘YOU ARE’. DEREK LOOKS DOWN THE STREET BOTH WAYS AND SIGHS, DEJECTEDLY.

CUT

SCENE 5. INT. DAY. INSIDE THE BANK.

DEREK TRIES TO GET MONEY FROM THE CASH MACHINE BUT THE ATM RETURNS THE MESSAGE ‘INSUFFICIENT FUNDS’. HE DECIDES TO TRY HIS LUCK AT THE COUNTER.
HE NOTICES SOME PROMISING STILETTOS IN FRONT OF HIM IN THE QUEUE. THE CAMERA PANS UP THE WOMAN’S STOCKINGED LEGS AND EVENTUALLY TO HER FACE AS SHE TURNS AROUND AND MEETS DEREK’S EYES WITH FROSTY HOSTILITY.

Attractive woman:
Were you checking out my arse just then?

Derek:
No, I was looking at how the queue is shaped like and is in fact moving like an anaconda.
Attractive woman:
Don’t lie, I saw you in that mirror.
Derek:
Do you think I’m some kind of -

AS SHE POINTS TO THE MIRROR, DEREK SEES THE REFLECTION OF A MAN IN THE SAME PAINT-SPATTERED COMBATS HE SAW RUNNING OUT OF THE RECORD STORE. EAGER TO SEE IF IT WAS THE SAME MAN, HE EXCUSES HIMSELF TO THE WOMAN AND SHE WATCHES HIM MOVE DOWN THE QUEUE BY THRUSTING HIS HIPS FORWARD THEN BACK, PROVOKING THE IRE OF EVERYONE HE BRUSHES HIS GENITALS OR BOTTOM AGAINST. THE BANK TELLER SAY’S ‘THANK YOU MR MANDRILL’ AS THE MAN, WHO HAS DEREK’S GOATEE BEARD, BONE STRUCTURE AND HAIR STYLE, TURNS AND WALKS AWAY.
A YOUNG MALE GOTH BLOCKS DEREK’S PATH AND MAKES HEAVILY MADE UP EYE CONTACT.

Goth:
Mr Mandrill, do you remember me – you taught me between 2003 and 2005? I don’t think you’re a sex offender like everyone behind you.

DEREK LOOKS BEHIND HIM AND EVERYONE IS GLARING AT HIM. HE RUNS AWAY IN HOT PURSUIT OF THE CHEQUE BOOK THIEF.

Goth:
Or maybe he is.

CUT
SCENE 6.EXT. DAY - A CHASE THROUGH THE STREETS
AS DEREK CHASES THE CHEQUE BOOK THIEF THROUGH THE STREETS THEY EXCHANGE SOME HEATED WORDS. THE THIEF IS A HELIUM-VOICED BUFFOON.

Thief:
What are you chasing me for?
Derek:
What are you doing with my chequebook?
Thief:
Who says it’s yours?
Derek:
Of course it’s mine, you idiot –it’s got my name on it.

Thief:
What if I’m also called Derek Mandarin?

Derek:
Mandrill! There’s noone else in the local area with that name.

Thief:
But I look like you, we could be related.
THE THIEF STOPS AGAINST A LAMPPOST AND MOTIONS TO KEEP DEREK AT ARM’S LENGTH. HE IS OUT OF BREATH.

Derek:
I think if there was someone who looked a lot like me who had my name in the area I would know about it.

Thief:
You would if he nicked yer chequebook
THE THIEF SLAPS DEREK ABOUT THE CHEEKS WITH HIS CHEQUEBOOK THEN RUNS OFF AGAIN. DEREK GIVES CHASE AGAIN.

Derek:
So you’re admitting it now?

Thief:
No way.

Derek:
But your pants match the description of the ones I saw in the Vinyl Frontier.

Thief:
Circumstantial evidence – never stand up in court.

DEREK IS NOW OUT OF BREATH AND THE THIEF IS PANTING AND WHEEZING AS THEY CONTINUE THEIR LUDICROUS CONVERSATION AND THE THIEF CHANGES DIRECTION SWALLOW-LIKE, UP A SIDE STREET.

Derek:
The police could match your DNA with what they find on the trousers.
Thief:
Look, you can have the damned trousers!
THE THIEF REMOVES HIS TROUSERS WITHOUT TAKING OFF HIS BOOTS AND THROWS THEM AT DEREK. NOW UNABLE TO SEE, DEREK HURTLES HEADLONG INTO A BUSH. WHEN HE DISENTANGLES HIMSELF FROM THE BRANCHES AND FOLIAGE AND PULLS THE TROUSERS OFF HIS FACE, HE HEARS SOME GHOULISH PANTING, WHEEZING, CHOKING AND WHINING NOISES.
AS HE SLOWLY APPROACHES A PARKED ROVER 216, HE IS CONFRONTED WITH THE SIGHT OF THE TROUSERLESS BUT BOOTED THIEF SPLAYED OUT ON THE BONNET, APPARENTLY DROPPING DEAD. AS THE THIEF GOES STILL AND QUIET, HE DROPS THE CAR KEYS HE WAS HOLDING AND DEREK CATCHES THEM. DEREK NOTICES HOW THE BADGE ON THE CAR KEYS MATCHES THE BADGE OF THE CAR.

CUT
SCENE 6: EXT. DAY A SIDE STREET
DEREK’S PHONE RINGS. THIS SCENE CROSS CUTS BETWEEN DEREK HUDDLING IN A DOORWAY TALKING ON HIS MOBILE AND HIS WIFE AT HOME WITH A PILE OF BANK STATEMENTS AND CREDIT CARD BILLS SPREAD OUT ON THE KITCHEN TABLE. A LARGE GLASS OF RED WINE STANDS ON THE TABLE.
Derek:
Hi Karen, you ok?
Karen:
Not really, I’ve been looking at our finances and I really don’t think we can afford to go on holiday this year.
Derek:
What?
Karen:
Derek, why are you panting.. have you been to a group masturbation session again?
Derek:
Funny, no, I’ve just been running for the bus.
Karen:
Oh good, if you’re coming home soon you can help me with -
Derek: (a little too emphatically):
No!
Karen:
Is everything ok?
Derek:
No, I mean, well, are our debts that bad?
Karen:
They’re as bad as I want them to get
WHILE HE IS TALKING, DEREK IS LOOKING AT THE FIGURES ON HIS PENSION DOCUMENTS. HE READS AND REREADS THE BIT THAT SAYS, ‘DEATH GRANT – 3 TIMES ANNUAL SALARY PAYABLE TO WIDOW’.

Derek:
I’ll make it up to you.. we’ll… you’ll be fine if you just give me a bit of time.
Karen:
Ah, is one going to sell one of one’s country residences, then?
Derek:
Don’t emasculate me by mocking my humble means.. you married me as a man of straw.
Karen (in a high Judy Garland voice):
Yes, but Dorothy thought the straw man could have taken me to the Emerald City.
SHE REVERTS BACK TO HER USUAL VOICE.

Karen:
I should have married Tin Man.
Derek:
He was gay. Look, I want to prove to you that we can… get by.
HE LOOKS UP FROM HIS DOCUMENTS AND THE SCENE CROSS CUTS BETWEEN DEREK AND THE THIEF TO HIGHLIGHT THEIR SIMILARITIES. HE APPROACHES THE CAR AND SPOTS A WALLET HANGING OUT OF THE THIEF’S JACKET.

Karen:
I’m sorry, Derek. Come home. Maybe we could think about sorting it all out in the nuddy.
AFTER RETRIEVING HIS CHEQUEBOOK, DEREK STARTS LOOKING AT THE CONTENTS OF THE WALLET: DRIVER’S LICENSE, CREDIT CARDS, A STORE CARD FOR BARKLEY’S – THE LOCAL DEPARTMENT STORE; LOTS OF CASH.
Derek:
Look, I’ll see you.
DEREK RINGS OFF, POCKETS THE WALLET AND STARTS TO PLACE HIS HANDS UNDER THE PROSTRATE THIEF.
CUT

SCENE 8: EXT.DAY, UP A SIDE STREET
DEREK IS TRYING TO MOVE THE DEAD THIEF ACROSS THE STREET TO AN ALLEYWAY. HE IS SPOTTED BY TWO YOUNG GIRLS WHO LOOK AGHAST.

Derek:
He’d be rubbish in that Strictly Come dancing wouldn’t he?

HE ADDRESSES THE CORPSE

Derek:
You’re too stiff aren’t you!

HE BREAKS INTO A HAMMY RENDITION OF ‘THE BLUE DANUBE’ BY STRAUSS AS HE WALTZES THE THIEF ACROSS THE ROAD, FOLLOWED BY THE QUIZZICAL EYES OF THE CHILDREN.

Child (to other child):
I thought they usually do more Latin or contemporary routines on Strictly Come Dancing?
Other child:
And I’ve never seen anyone dancing in heavy boots and no trousers.
CUT

SCENE 9: EXT. DAY IN A DARK ALLEYWAY
DEREK IS SWAPPING CLOTHES WITH THE DEAD MAN. HE TAKES THE MAN’S PHONE AND BROWSES HIS CONTACTS. THE FIRST IS SOMEONE CALLED BARKLEY’S BARRY (WHO LATER TURNS OUT TO BE THE SECURITY GUARD WHO SHIELDS HIM). HE PLACES THE PHONE IN THE POCKET OF HIS NEW REEFER JACKET AND THROWS HIS OWN IN A DUMPSTER, AFTER BALKING FROM THE FISHY SMELL. AS HE IS PULLING TROUSERS ONTO THE DEAD MAN, A BUSINESS WOMAN WALKS PAST. FROM THE REAR, IT LOOKS TO HER LIKE HE IS ENGAGING IN AN EXTREMELY LEWD ACT. SHE STOPS DEAD AND COCKS HER HEAD.

Derek:
Live and let live, eh love!
THE WOMAN SCURRIES OFF AND A RAT SCURRIES THROUGH THE ALLEYWAY.
SCENE 10: EXT. DAY. SIDE STREET
NOW THEY HAVE SWAPPED CLOTHES AND PERSONAL EFFECTS, DEREK IS WALTZING THE BODY BACK BY THE CAR, SO HE CAN REST HIM AGAINST A LAMPPOST. THE YOUNG GIRLS LOOK UP FROM LOOKING AT SOMETHING FUNNY ON ONE OF THEIR MOBILES.

Derek:
We still need a lot more practice, don’t we darling. (In a ventriloquist’s voice) Yes, we do!
CUT TO DEREK PLACING THE BODY IN A SITTING POSITION. HE CHECKS ALL AROUND HIM FOR CCTV CAMERAS. WHATEVER CAMERAS THERE ARE FACE THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. HE GOES TO A PHONE BOX AND DIALS 999.

Voice on the phone:
Emergency services, which service do you require?
Derek:
Police, I mean ambulance..there’s a man, I think he’s dead..

Voice on the phone:
And your name is?
DEREK TAKES OUT A CREDIT CARD FROM HIS NEW WALLET AND READS FROM IT.

Derek:
Mr. Ray W. Savage.
FADE TO BLACK

SCENE 11 EXT. LATE EVENING, BY RAY SAVAGE’S CAR.

DEREK CHECKS HIS MOBILE FOR MESSAGES. THERE ARE SEVERAL FROM KAREN, HIS WIFE. HE OPENS ONE THAT SAYS, ‘WHERE R U?’. HE REPLIES WITH ‘C U SOON. I LOVE U’. HE NOTICES HOW LOW THE BATTERY CHARGE IS AND DROPS THE PHONE DOWN A GRID.
HE OPENS THE DOOR OF THE CAR WITH THE KEYS HE TOOK BEFORE AND DRIVES OFF. AS HE DRIVES AWAY, ‘ACHY BREAKY HEART’ BY BILLY RAY CYRUS BLASTS OUT OF THE CASSETTE PLAYER. DEREK IS UNABLE TO TURN IT OFF.
CUT TO DEREK DRIVING THROUGH THE COUNTRYSIDE AS THE LIGHT BEGINS TO FADE. ‘A LITTLE BIT COUNTRY’ BY BONNIE TYLER AND SHAKIN’ STEVENS IS NOW PLAYING. HE STOPS THE CAR ON THE EDGE OF A FOREST, JUST OFF THE MAIN ROAD.
CUT TO DEREK PICKING UP A CASSETTE CASE ENTITLED, ‘LINE DANCING STOMPERS’, THEN PULLING THE ON/OFF BUTTON OFF THE CASSETTE PLAYER, SILENCING THE MUSIC. HE CLENCHES HIS FISTS TRIUMPHANTLY.
CUT TO DEREK FALLING ASLEEP IN THE BACK OF THE CAR.
FADE

SCENE 12: EXT DAY. A RURAL PETROL STATION.
VIEWED FROM OUTSIDE A PETROL STATION, A SURLY ASSISTANT IS SHAKING HER HEAD. DEREK PUTS HIS GROCERIES BACK. AS HE LEAVES HE OPENS HIS WALLET AND TAKES OUT HIS BARKLEYS’ STORE CARD. HE LOOKS AT THE CARD, LOOKS AHEAD THEN WALKS BACK TO THE CAR.
CUT
SCENE 13: DAY. EXT. LATE AFTERNOON OUTSIDE BARKLEY’S DEPARTMENT STORE.
SOUND FX: A TERRIBLE MUZAK VERSION OF ‘EVERYBODY’S CHANGING’ BY KEANE.
STILL DRESSED AS RAY, WITH BASEBALL CAP PULLED RIGHT DOWN, DEREK LOOKS AT A TEXT MESSAGE ON RAY’S PHONE. IT SAYS, ‘MESSAGE FROM BARKLEY’S BARRY: READ NOW?’ HE READS IT AND IT SAYS: DIDN’T C U AT LINE DANCING LAST NIGHT. QUE PASA?’ HE PUTS THE PHONE IN HIS POCKET AND ENTERS THE STORE.
AS HE FILLS UP HIS BASKET WITH ESSENTIAL FOODSTUFFS, HE IS APPROACHED BY A SECURITY GUARD – BARRY FROM RAY’S LIST OF CONTACTS, WHO IS JUST PUTTING HIS PHONE AWAY.
Barry
Ray, is that you Ray?

DEREK LOOKS EMBARRASSED AND TRIES TO TURN HIS BACK AND PUT SOME BANANAS IN HIS BASKET.

Barry:
Ere, you’re not going back to petty crime again are ya –there’s cameras everywhere..
DEREK TURNS AND MAKES FALTERING EYE CONTACT

Derek:
Hmmm.
Barry:
So what happened at line dancing last night? That randy housewife with the white boots was there..
DEREK ADOPTS THE HIGH VOICE THAT HE RECALLS RAY HAVING.

Derek:
Er. Hi.
Barry:
You feeling orright, Ray – you look like you slept in your shitty car last night.
Derek:
No –that’s a ridiculous idea!
HE DROPS THE HIGH VOICE FOR A MOMENT

Derek:
Barry from Barkley’s.
Barry:
You are behaving strangely..Tell you what, I’m on me break in 5 – why don’t you come for a hot chocolate in me hideyhole –we’ll have a chat –
Derek:
NO!
BARRY LOOKS CONFUSED
DEREK RESUMES THE HIGH VOICE.
Derek:
I mean, I will.
DEREK LOOKS FOR THE EXITS

Barry:
I’ll wait on the other side of the checkout until you’ve paid, eh. You are paying, aren’t you..
CUT TO DEREK PACKING HIS ITEMS INTO 3 CARRIER BAGS WHILE BARRY IS FINISHING OFF A BAWDY JOKE.

Barry:
So she says, ‘I’ve had a lot of fishy things in my mouth in my time but this takes the biscuit’ Hahahahahaha. I knew you’d like it, Ray.
DEREK FAKES A HIGH PITCHED LAUGH. ALL THE TIME HE IS EYEING THE EXITS.

Derek:
That’s another cracker, Barry – you are a man of much mirth.
Barry:
’Ere you been reading a dictionary instead of line dancing class – I worry about you..
DEREK MAKES A BOLT FOR THE DOOR BUT RUNS INTO A TROLLEY AND FALLS ONTO THE ATTRACTIVE WOMAN FROM THE BANK YESTERDAY, ENDING UP ON TOP OF HER.

Derek (still in high pitched voice):
I’m so sorry, I –
Woman:
Get-off-me-
Derek(now in his real voice):
You look familiar, aren’t you..
Woman:
Are you disguising your voice so I don’t think you’re the sex pest from the bank?
Derek:
Not at all, it’s just that
Woman:
Help!
DEREK IS APPREHENDED BY A CONCERNED LOOKING BARRY WHO USHERS HIM TO HIS OFFICE.

FADE TO BLACK.

SCENE 14. INT DAY, BARRY’S HIDEYHOLE
DEREK IS TALKING TO BARRY.
Derek (keeping up his high voice):
I’m sorry, I’ve just been under a lot of pressure lately. You know I love me line dancing-
AS HE’S TALKING, ‘ACHY BREAKY HEART’ COMES ON THE RADIO. BARRY TURNS IT UP AND LEAPS TO HIS FEET.

Barry:
Oh, Ray, this is yer favourite! Come on, you told me you had all the moves worked out – I’ve been practising meself. Come on!
BARRY PLACES HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS AND STARTS MAKING AS IF TO LINE DANCE, ALL THE TIME GRABBING DEREK UP.

Derek:
And I hurt my hips – that was another thing –
BARRY ADOPTS A THREATENING TONE
Barry:
Dance Ray!!
Derek:
Yihaaaaah!
DEREK PUTS HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS AND STARTS KICKING HIS FEET OUT UNCONVINCINGLY.
Barry:
You look like Zorba the soddin’ Greek – what’s the matter with ya?
Derek:
It’s Billy Ray Cyprus! Hang on, I’m just getting warmed up –
DEREK MOVES HIS HEAD FROM SIDE TO SIDE AND WAGGLES HIS KNEES, HIS HANDS STILL ON HIS HIPS.

Barry:
Now you look like Tina Turner, yer big dickhead. What’s wrong with yer?
DEREK ACCIDENTALLY DROPS THE HIGH VOICE

Derek:
It’s you, you’re putting me off with your anger, line dancing must be rubbish if you’re always like this –

BARRY STOPS DEAD IN HIS TRACKS AND TURNS THE MUSIC OFF. DEREK CONTINUES HIS LUDICROUS DANCE AS BARRY APPROACHES HIM SLOWLY. GRADUALLY DEREK STOPS DANCING PUT KEEPS HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS. HE GOES BACK TO THE HIGH VOICE.

Derek:
I was listening to that.

Barry:
You’re not Ray Savage, are ya?
BARRY PULLS DEREK’S BASEBALL CAP OFF AND SQUEEZES HIS CHEEKS.

Derek:
No. (in his high voice). I mean, no (real voice).
Barry:
I think we’d better have a chin wag.
FADE TO BLACK.

SCENE 15. INT EVENING. BARRY’S DEN IN BARKLEY’S
BARRY AND DEREK ARE SITTING VERY STILL, SIPPING HOT CHOCOLATE

Barry:
I can’t believe he’s dead – me old mate Ray, just when he was starting to get back on the straight and narrow
Derek:
Well that’s just it..he stole my chequebook .That’s how I’ve managed to become him
Barry:
He never – he said he was clean. You’ll never be him, you’re half the man he was. You line dance like a little girl.
Derek:
With the greatest of respect you hardly know me. Look, Are you prepared to help me..in Ray’s memory?
Barry
And what’s in it for me?
Derek:
A thousand pounds, when the money comes in.
BARRY THINKS HARD AND GOES NOSE TO NOSE WITH DEREK.
Barry:
Three- thousand - pounds
Derek:
Two - thousand -five -hundred - pounds
Barry:
Shall we shake.
Derek:
OK
BARRY SHAKES HIS WHOLE BODY WHILST LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

Barry:
You’ll have to get used to me - I’m a mad sod!
Derek:
You can stop shaking now.
Barry
You do look like him..especially in his clothes. Look, how desperate are you?
Derek:
I desperately want to prove to my wife, to Karen, that I can provide for her, we’re mortgaged up to the tits – we bought at the wrong time, we rented a flat for a few years but ignored what was happening in the property market.
Barry:
But I’m skint – I earn enough to cover our mortgage and not much else, the wife has a little part time job at the bingo – but she gambles most of that. What makes you so special?
Derek:
I’ve just got this..plan --that’s the difference - for the first time in my life I’ve got a plan.
Barry:
Don’t get me mixed up in all sorts of fraud

Derek:
It’s not strictly.. well.. Barry, I want you to let me hide here – your shift goes through the night, doesn’t it? I could sleep here, there’s loads of store cupboards and old mattresses, just until I’ve sorted everything out, you know, until the wife has cashed in the payout from the pension and the life assurance.
CUT TO MONTAGE SEQUENCE OF HOW DEREK IMAGINES WAKING UP IN A STORE CUPBOARD AFTER A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP, THEN TURNING UP AT HIS HOUSE, WHERE HIS WIFE IS DELIGHTED TO SEE HIM. AS THEY EMBRACE, A MAN DRAWS UP IN A CAR WITH A HUGE BAG OF CASH. DEREK HIDES BEHIND THE DOOR AS KAREN SIGNS FOR THE CHEQUE. AS BARRY DROPS THEM OFF AT THE AIRPORT THEY GIVE HIM A BAG OF CASH. CUT TO DEREK AND KAREN CLINKING COCKTAIL GLASSES ON A TROPICAL BEACH.
SOUND FX: ‘BREAKIN THE LAW’ BY JUDAS PRIEST.

Voiceover Derek:
So that was it. Easy. Barry gets a cut, Karen’ s a rich woman and we can sell the house that’s been paid off and bugger off to Barbados or..New bloody Zealand. Only problem is that Karen has to live with a dead man. She might have found it hard to make me stiff recently but we’ll give it a good go in the name of freedom. Now, when’s my funeral?
FADE TO BLACK

SCENE 16. EXT. DAY. THE LOCAL PARK
BARRY AND DEREK ARE ON A PARK BENCH. DEREK IS OUT OF SHOT. BARRY IS STICKING A FALSE BEARD ONTO DEREK’S FACE
Derek:
Get a move on Barry. Bloody hell, Karen always said I’d be late for my own funeral.
Barry:
There you go, mate, noone will recognise you, not even the wife
Derek:
Thanks Barry. How do I look?
CUT TO A SLOW PULL BACK FROM A CLOSE UP OF DEREK’S FACE. HE HAS A PIRATE’S BLACK BEARD, JOHN LENNON STYLE GLASSES, A CLOTH CAP, AN EARRING AND A HERRINGBONE OVERCOAT THAT IS TWO SIZES TOO BIG.

Barry:
I could kiss you if you were a lady but you’ve got a big beard and all –
BARRY STARTS LAUGHING.

Derek:
I appreciate you raiding the store rooms in Barkley’s but if you’ve made me look a tit -

BARRY LAUGHS EVEN MORE

Derek:
I don’t want to attract any attention. We need to get our stories straight..
Barry:
Come on, let’s go. Remember I’m really paying my respects to me old mate Ray.

THEY GET UP AND WALK TOWARDS DEREK’S ACQUIRED CAR. DEREK CATCHES HIS REFLECTION IN THE WING MIRROR.
Derek:
Barry! I look like a missing episode of Last of the Summer Wine where Yorkshire gets invaded by undercover pirates.
Barry:
I did me best for ya.
CUT AS THEY GET INTO THE CAR.

SCENE 17 INT. DAY INSIDE THE CAR.
BARRY AND DEREK ARE ON THEIR WAY TO THE FUNERAL. DEREK ANGRILY TAKES HIS GLASSES OFF.
Derek:
I can’t wear those, we’ll crash.
Barry:
Eh imagine, being killed on the way to your own funeral.
Derek:
Hilarious. I can see the headlines now – idiot fraudster gets just desserts
Barry:
Are we there yet?
Derek:
Bugger me, we are. Better stop.
HE STOPS ABRUPTLY AND A LORRY SWERVES TO AVOID THEM.

Derek:
Now I need my disguise.
HE REACHES INTO THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT AND PUTS ON A PAIR OF TOP GUN STYLE MIRROR SHADES.

Barry:
They was Ray’s favourites!
THEY LOOK AT THE STREAM OF MOURNERS. KAREN RUSHES IN, HELD UP BY HER FAMILY AND A MYSTERY MAN.

Derek:
Who’s that bloke?
Barry:
Quite a turnout. You must have been a popular sod.
THEY GET OUT OF THE CAR. REAR SHOT OF THE TWO APPROACHING THE CHURCH AS THE COFFIN IS CARRIED IN BY DEREK’S COUSINS.
Derek:
There’s my cousins from my dad’s side. If Ray knew how boring they were he’s be banging on the roof of the coffin now.

BARRY IS OVERTAKEN WITH GRIEF AND CALLS OUT WITH HIS HANDS ALOFT.
Barry:
Raaaay!

A NEARBY VICAR PLACES HIS HANDS ON BARRY’S SHOULDER.
Vicar:
Ray’s at 1 o’clock. This man was called Dirk.
Derek (vehemently):
DE-REK.
Vicar:
That’s right.

Barry:
De-reeeeeeeek!

THE VICAR GIVES THEM A PUZZLED LOOK AS THEY WALK PAST AND GO INTO THE CHURCH.

SCENE 18. INT. DAY: INSIDE THE CHURCH
WITH THE MOURNERS ASSEMBLED, DEREK AND BARRY SHUFFLE IN AND SIT NEAR THE BACK. CROSS CUT BETWEEN KAREN LOOKING BACK AND DEREK LOOKING AT KAREN.
Barry:
Is that her?
Derek:
That’s Karen alright. I do miss her.
HE BLOWS A KISS IN HER DIRECTION BUT ONLY AFTER HIS EX, KELLY FRANCIS (WHO WAS THE WOMAN IN THE BANK AND THE DEPARTMENT STORE) TURNS AROUND AND LOOKS AT HIM. SHE RECOILS IN HORROR.

Derek:
Bugger me, that’s Kelly Francis.
Barry:
Rather do the honours with her, thanks, Derek.
Derek:
She’s scrubbed up since I went out with her.
THE VICAR, AN EMACIATED, SHAVEN HEADED MANLIZARD, RAISES HIS HANDS AND SWAYS, BEZ-LIKE AS HE LOOKS AT THE CONGREGATION. INEXPLICABLY, HE TALKS LIKE MICK JAGGER.

Vicar:
We are gathered here today-
KELLY LOOKS BACK AGAIN AND GIVES DEREK A STUDIED LOOK. HE CHECKS THAT HIS BEARD IS STILL IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

Vicar:
To mourn the tragic loss of Derek Harold Mandren-
Derek:
Mandrill, you idiot.
DEREK IS SHUSHED AGGRESSIVELY BY TWO ELDERLY LADIES.

Derek:
That’s Auntie Beryl and Auntie Mavis – twins. Never married.
Barry:
Lesbos?
Derek:
Never put it to the test. Both my parents would turn in their graves.
Vicar:
- and to proffer his soul to almighty Christ Jesus and friends. I’d like Derek’s close friend to read a short eulogy -
Derek:
They call him, ‘Dave the Rave’ – Reverend David Brown used to be seen in all the clubs on ecstasy in the 90s. Found God but the drugs make him get mixed up.
Vicar:
-And then we will sing a hymn which you will find on page 41 of your… Book of hymns..called a hymnus.. I believe.
DEREK’S ‘OLD FRIEND’ MASON ‘STINK’ HUDDLESTONE GETS UP AND TAKES THE STAND. HE IS A WET-LIPPED, RED CHEEKED, PIOUS TYPE..

Derek:
Oh no, it’s Stink –
Barry:
Was he really an old friend?
Derek:
No, and he smells like old cheese.
Stink:
At school, Derek was always the one who made peace when there was conflict.
Derek:
Not quite. I chased him around the playground with dog shit on a lollipop stick after he called me Derek ‘Mongrill’.
Stink:
And as you can see from this great turnout –
Derek (to Barry):
I don’t know half of them
Barry:
So who IS here?
Derek:
Oh, neighbours, old schoolfriends, ex girlfriend, work colleagues and a few randoms, like the cleaners from work and the woman I wave to when I go for the Sunday papers. You’ll meet them if we can gatecrash the party.
THE CAMERA PANS AROUND THE MOURNERS MENTIONED ABOVE. WHEN THE CAMERA GOES ON THE WAVING WOMAN, SHE TURNS AROUND. DEREK WAVES AT HER. SHE WAVES BACK AND LOOKS BACK A COUPLE OF TIMES. DEREK STOPS HIS WAVE ABRUPTLY.

Barry:
You’re not going to –
Derek:
I need to watch what’s going on between Karen and that bloke. I’m not even in my grave and some bloke’s hovering like a randy kestrel.
THEY ARE SHUSHED AGAIN BY DEREK’S TWIN AUNTS.

Stink:
So I hope you join me in singing Derek’s favourite hymn, ‘How Great Thou Art’
Derek:
What? We used to sing ‘How Great My Fart’ and Stink used to join in.
Barry:
I need a fag.
Derek:
I’ll come out with you. I need some fresh air, it’s hot in this disguise.
CUT, AS THEY RETREAT FROM THE CHURCH.
SCENE 19: EXT. DAY OUTSIDE THE CHURCH.
BARRY IS HAVING A CIGARETTE; DEREK IS GETTING SOME FRESH AIR.
Derek:
If you don’t give those up I’ll be going to your funeral soon enough.
Barry:
At least I’ll be in that box for real. It pains me to think of me mate Ray in that coffin, with everyone laughin’ at him.
HE TAKES A SHARP PULL ON HIS CIGARETTE.
Derek:
I didn’t see anyone pointing at the coffin and laughing, Barry. I’d be quite offended if they did, as they think it’s me in –
DEREK IS CUT SHORT BECAUSE KELLY FRANCIS, DEREK’S MADE OVER EX, COMES THROUGH THE DOOR LOOKING MILDLY DISTRESSED, FUMBLING IN HER HANDBAG.
Barry:
Like a fag, love?
Kelly:
Love one, thanks. Bit emotional.
DEREK STARTS TURNING HALF AWAY.
KELLY LIGHTS HER CIGARETTE. TO BARRY:
Kelly:
Who’s the shy boy with the piratey beard?
BARRY CHOKES ON HIS SMOKE.
Barry:
Oh, this is me mate, Der –
Derek (in his high voice):
RAY, at your service.
DEREK EXTENDS A HAND.
Kelly:
What you offering then?
SHE LAUGHS AND TOUCHES HIS BEARD. HE FLINCHES.
Kelly:
You’ll have to excuse me. I went out with Derek for a while. It ended badly.
Derek:
Oh, what happened?
Kelly:
Long story.
Derek:
That’s ok!
Kelly:
Oh. He wasn’t committed enough. Didn’t have enough time for me. Too busy with his music and his work.
Derek:
That’s rubbish!
Kelly:
What?
Derek:
It must have been rubbish..for you.
Kelly:
Well. Shouldn’t speak ill of the dead but he had this strange habit of sticking his teeth out when we were, you know...
BARRY STARTS LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY.
Derek:
You can’t say that –
Kelly:
Like Freddie Mercury
SHE MIMES FREDDIE MERCURY STRUTTING WITH HIS TEETH STUCK OUT. BARRY LAUGHS EVEN MORE. ENCOURAGED BY LAUGHTER, SHE THRUSTS HER HIPS BACK AND FORTH.
Derek:
That’s it, I’m going back in.
DEREK BEATS A HASTY RETREAT.
Barry (to Kelly):
Ray still misses Freddie. Big Queen fan.
AS DEREK MOUNTS THE STEPS, KELLY SHOUTS, ‘WAIT!’ AND HE STUMBLES. SHE TRIES TO PREVENT HIM FROM FALLING BY GRABBING HIS BEARD. THE BEARD COMES LOOSE TO REVEAL HIS FACE. CLOSE UP OF KELLY LOOKING AT DEREK’S FACE; CUT TO CLOSE UP OF DEREK LOOKING AT KELLY.
CUT

SCENE 20: EXT. DAY.
THE MOURNERS ARE GATHERED BY THE GRAVE AS THE COFFIN IS LOWERED IN. THE VICAR IS HOLDING COURT.
Vicar:
Ashes to ashes…dust to dusty, we bless the lifeless body of this man as we lower him into a hole.

BARRY AND DEREK START GIGGLING. KELLY GLARES AT THEM BOTH, AS DOES KAREN. KAREN AND KELLY THEN GLARE AT EACH OTHER. THEIR FROSTY LOOK SOFTENS AS THE COFFIN DISAPPEARS.
FILMED FROM INSIDE THE GRAVE, LOOKING UP AT THE VICAR AND CHIEF MOURNERS, THE VICAR STARTS HURLING SOIL AND FLOWERS ONTO THE COFFIN.
Vicar:
Take this soil and these sexy flowers and let them nourish your corpse. As long as you know how to love you know you’ll stay alive, though you lay in your splendid ‘Marlborough’ model coffin, with its mahogany finish and brass handles. Anyone got any more soils? Ah – Karen has Derek’s favourite piece of Dr Who memorabilia to throw into the grave– a miniature Dalek –
Derek:
No!
ALL TURN AND LOOK AT DEREK.

Derek (in his high voice):
…..He was a fine a man as you will ever meet!
HE TURNS AND SOBS INTO BARRY’S CHEST. BARRY COMFORTS HIM BY VIGOROUSLY PATTING HIS HEAD.THE VICAR DROPS THE DALEK INTO THE GRAVE.

Derek: (under his breath)
Who do you think you are, Barry, Benny Hill?
CUT TO KELLY LOOKING OVER

Vicar:
But weep not for Derek and hang tough until you meet your maker – for we are all condemned to death.

HE MOVES HIS EXTENDED INDEX FINGER AROUND THE MOURNERS WHO WINCE IN UNISON.
Vicar:
And as we leave Derek to the bosom of Jesus Almighty, some may wish to join Karen at the house where she and Derek shared so much life to toast his……to toast him but not literally of course!
AS THE VICAR LAUGHS ASTHMATICALLY, THE MOURNERS WALK ON. BARRY AND DEREK ARE LEFT BEHIND. BARRY LIGHTS UP A CIGARETTE AND DEREK TAKES ONE, MUCH TO THE SURPRISE OF BARRY. THEY BOTH TAKE A LONG DRAG AND BLOW OUT THE SMOKE.
THE VICAR’S VOICE CAN BE HEARD FAINTLY AS EVERYONE LEAVES.
Vicar:
Ahaha, you’d have to chop him up into 20 pieces and put him in 20 George Forman grills!
CUT BACK TO THE POV OF THE TWO MEN SMOKING. SLOWLY THROUGH THE CLOUD OF SMOKE COMES THE MYSTERY MAN WHO WAS AT KAREN’S SIDE AT THE FUNERAL.

Mystery man:
I’m Detective Constable Mike Traylor. The game’s up.
FADE TO BLACK

SCENE 21. INT . DAY. DEREK AND KAREN’S HOUSE

DEREK, BARRY AND D.C TRAYLOR ARE SHARING A DRINK AND LAUGHING TOGETHER.

Traylor:
So there’s me thinking you two had murdered Derek for his chequebook and were following Karen back home to burgle her house with his keys!
Derek (high voice):
Like we’re some criminal double act! Was that a tip off?
TRAYLOR PAUSES AND PRESSES HIS FACE CLOSE TO DEREK’S

Traylor:
Oh no. It was a Traylor brainwave. I have one every week and it always leads me somewhere I need to be. Like here, in this sexy lady’s house.
DEREK WHISPERS TO BARRY:
Derek:
Remember, get our story straight.
KAREN APPROACHES.
Karen:
Anyone like a drink?

Traylor:
Oh go on, then. A top up, lads?
BARRY AND DEREK NOD WHILE TRAYLOR RUBS KAREN’S LOWER BACK JUST LOW ENOUGH TO TO FEEL THE TOP OF HER BUM CRACK.

Traylor:
I always think women look sexy in funereal garb. How are you bearing up, ma luv?
Karen:
Still can’t believe it. I still feel he’s alive, looking at me from somewhere.
DEREK POINTEDLY AVERTS HIS GAZE. KAREN TURNS TO BARRY AND DEREK

Karen:
So you two were colleagues of Derek’s?

Derek and Barry in unison:
Yes, we were caretakers..
Karen:
Oh, he never mentioned funny caretakers who speak in unison. I’m Karen, Derek’s wife..I mean widow.
AS KAREN OFFERS HER HAND, DEREK SHAKES HANDS WITH KAREN WITH HIS HAND UP HIS SLEEVE.

Derek:
I didn’t wash my hands after having a wee. Better go and wash them now.
Karen (To Barry):
You look familiar – hey, you look just like the security guard from Barkley’s.
Barry:
No, that man looks like this.
BARRY PURSES HIS LIPS AND CLOSES ONE EYE.
Karen:
Oh –

CUT TO DEREK GOING UPSTAIRS. HE SEES KELLY COMING OUT OF THE TOILET. HE GOES INTO THE NEAREST BEDROOM TO HIDE. KELLY HASN’T SEEN HIM BUT FOLLOWS HIM IN, THINKING IT IS KAREN.
Kelly:
Karen, are you ok?
Derek (high voice):
Yes, I mean, Ray’s ok!
Kelly:
Ah. It’s you.
Derek:
Yes, Ray. I knew Derek well.
Kelly:
Of course you did.
THE PHONE RINGS AND DEREK PICKS IT UP AT THE SAME TIME AS KAREN PICKS IT UP DOWNSTAIRS. HE ANSWERS THE PHONE IN HIS NORMAL VOICE AND IS HEARD BY KAREN AND KELLY ALIKE.
CUT TO KAREN DROPPING THE PHONE AND WALKING UP THE STAIRS SLOWLY, SAYING, “DEREK? DEREK?” AS SHE GETS TO THE TOP D.C TRAYLOR QUICKLY JOINS HER, JUST AS KELLY IS COMING OUT OF THE BEDROOM.

Karen:
Kelly, did you hear…I heard…I thought I heard….
Kelly:
Look, this will happen for a while. It’s natural to hear a loved one’s voice after they’re gone.
DC TRAYLOR AND KELLY EMBRACE KAREN AS SHE ENTERS HER ROOM AND SITS DOWN ON HER BED AND CRIES. BARRY ENTERS THE ROOM AND CALLS AFTER ‘RAY’. HE LOOKS AT THE SCENE THEN NOTICES THAT A BEDROOM WINDOW IS WIDE OPEN. HE GOES OVER TO THE WINDOW AND SEES DEREK SCURRYING OVER A FENCE. HE CLOSES THE WINDOW.
Karen:
Who opened the window?
Kelly:
It was me. I neeed some fresh air.

FADE TO BLACK.