Life Explained (Death-Full Episode)

I'll be sending this off soon but i wouldn't mind some feedback. Its a sketch show with narration aimed at radio 4 listeners based on the theme of death.

SCENE 1. INTRODUCTION

NARRATOR:
Life is a wonderful yet short state of being however you can’t have life unless you also have death. Everything which lives eventually dies, except Take That they will go on forever.

SCENE 2. AEROPLANE

JOE AND MARGERY ARE ON A PLANE

JOE:
It won’t be long now Margery, we should arrive in the Netherlands soon.

MARGERY:
Are you sure you sorted everything out, I would hate to think that we would be causing any unnecessary trouble

JOE:
Don’t worry; it’ll be fine I’ve sorted out all our papers. Everything is in order

CAPTAIN:
We are experiencing a bit of turbulence can you put on your seat belts

MARGERY:
I’m so happy we are going to do this together; I don’t think I could live on without you.

JOE:
Me too

F/X:A Massive Crash

CAPTAIN:
Can every one go back to their seats and adopt the crash position, we are going down.

REPORTER:
It appears that no one survived the crash and we are…hang on I think I see movement.

JOE AND MARGERY STUMBLE OUT OF THE WRECKAGE

REPORTER:
I don’t believe it there are two survivors, are you okay?

JOE:
What Happened?

REPORTER:
Your plane crashed and you two are the only survivors

JOE:
Oh bugger! We’re trying to get to the euthanasia clinic in Amsterdam, bollocks.

SCENE 3. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
The journey to death is never easy however ome entities enjoy death; Death himself has never had it so good however he is now coming to the end of the line.

SCENE 4. DEATH LIVES

DEATH IS ON HIS DEATH BED AND IS ABOUT TO PASS AWAY

DEATH:
You are a good apprentice Eric, once I pass you will become Death, the destroyer of worlds.

ERIC:
Genius. I can destroy the world

DEATH:
No Eric, it’s a figure of speech, it’s getting white, I’m going, going…

ERIC:
Gone, woohoo I’m death

DEATH HAS DIED AND THEREFORE HAS BECOME ALIVE.

DEATH:
Where am I?

IAN:
You’re in a supermarket mate, are you alright you look a bit pale.

DEATH:
Aha a supermarket, very good for business, BSE, Ecoli, food poisoning, yes an excellent place to spend my afterlife.

IAN:
Mate you look really ill

DEATH:
No, don’t touch me you’ll die, wait you didn’t die, I don’t recall meeting you before, is this heaven.

IAN:
Are you drunk, man you’re really thin

DEATH:
Is this earth? I’ve come alive because I was dead. Oh Crap I have to see Eric again.

SCENE 5. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
Where most beings fear death there are those who embrace death out of an ideological need to justify their existence. Also known as retards.

SCENE 6. SUICIDE BOMBERS

TWO TERRORISTS ARE PLANNING AN ATTACK

ASIF:
Are we going to blow up the train

AHMED:
Asif we are going to blow up the train

F/X:DOOR KICKED IN

POLICEMAN:
Police! Nobody move

ASIF AND AHMED ARE IN A COURT

JUGDE:
So your defence is that you were being sarcastic

DEFECNCE LAWYER:
Yes, your honour. If you listen to the recordings you can quite clearly hear that the defendants were being sarcastic

RECORDING AHMED:
As if we are going to blow up the train

DEFENCE LAWYER:
AS IF we are going to blow up the train. Ahmed was indicating, through sarcasm that they weren’t going to perform any such act.

JUDGE:Well I’m convinced. Let them go.

SCENE 7. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
Men are largely responsible for causing death. In the history of Earth women are recognised as being peace makers with the exception of Helen of Troy, Cleopatra, Boudicia, Joan of Arc, Queen Elizabeth II, Queen Victoria and Margaret Thatcher. In fact women have only been responsible for death and destruction when they have been given power which is thankfully not often.

SCENE 8. FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT

PRESIDENT WINTON IS ADDRESSING HER GENERAL

PRESIDENT WINTON:
Go to death con 3

GENERAL:
Excuse me, Madame President

PRESIDENT WINTON:
Russia is about to attack

GENERAL:
How do you know, you just got off the phone with the Russians. What did they say?

PRESIDENT WINTON:
It’s not what the said its how they said it.

GENERAL:
How did they say it?

PRESIDENT WINTON:
It’s the tone of voice he used; now go to death con 3

GENERAL:
Ma’am, I’ve fought in Viet Nam, Iraq and have forty five years experience I can not go to death con 3 without solid evidence of a clear and present danger

PRESIDENT WINTON:
General, in your forty five years have you ever won an argument with a woman.

GENERAL:
Go to death con 3.

SCENE 9. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
Certain members of society profit out of death.

SCENE 10. TESTATOR’S CAT

AN EXECUTOR IS READING A WILL

EXECUTOR:
And I leave my entire estate to my beloved cat

CATHERINE:
Oh Grandma, thank you so much. I will use this money wisely.

MR SLIME:
Ahem.

CATHERINE:
Who are you?

MR SLIME:
I’m Mr Slime and I represent the interest of the late Mrs Sidamoore’s beloved cat, Ginger.

CATHERINE:
Excuse me

MR SLIME:
It is quite clear from the passage which was just read that the intention of Mrs Sidamoore was to leave her entire estate to her beloved cat, Ginger

CATHERINE:
But I’m Catherine, Cat was the name which Grandma had for me

MR GREASE:
If I may intervene, I’m Mr Grease and I represent the interests of Beloved Cat, Mrs Sidamoore’s post man. He legally changed his name to Beloved Cat on Tuesday. He is the Beloved Cat which Mrs Sidamoore intended to leave her entire estate to.

CATHERINE:
This is ridiculous Grandma would never leave her entire estate to her postman or her cat.

MR GREASE:
My client was a loyal friend of Mrs Sidamoore for 2 long weeks. How dare you cast epergnes on the character of Mr Cat.

MR CREEP:
If I may call to the attention of the Executor that Mrs Sidamoore’s true intention was to leave her entire estate to my Clients. The Charity for Advancing Treacle or CAT for short. Mrs Sidamoore was an avid fan of treacle and it was her true intentions to leave her entire estate to the charity which she often called her beloved CAT.

CATHERINE:
Why are you doing this, its so unfair she wanted me to have her money. You’re simply trying to cash in with your ten percent.

MR SLIME:
I thought it was twenty percent.

MR GREASE:
So did I.

EXECUTOR:
Wait a minute, there is another clause here. Under no circumstances allow any money to go to lawyers. Well I think that’s…

F/X:ALL THE LAWYERS LEAVE TO THE SOUND OF CARS STARTING AND DOORS SLAMMING

EXECUTOR:
…conclusive.

SCENE 11. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
Lawyers may have no morals but it’s reassuring to know that some people are prepared to fight wars to prevent death

SCENE 12. PMQS

PRIME MINISTER IS TAKING QUESTIONS IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS

SPEAKER:
Prime Minister

PRIME MINISTER:
This tyrant has killed his own people, killed his neighbour’s citizens through unprovoked warfare and is developing weapons of mass destruction. In order to protect our interests we have to invade.

SPEAKER:
George Sidley

GEORGE SIDLEY:
Thank you Mr Speaker. Prime Minister if you invade do you have an adequate reconstruction plan?

PRIME MINISTER:
No

SPEAKER:
Alan Dugshaw

ALAN DUGSHAW:
It is reported that there is no evidence that he possesses weapons of mass destruction, do you agree?

PRIME MINISTER:
Yes

SPEAKER:
James Sledge

JAMES SLEDGE:
If they posess no weapons of mass destruction and you do not have a reconstruction plan why are you invading?

PRIME MINISTER:
They are a unified country; they have low crime, an efficient social welfare system and are popular in the Middle East. They are making us look bad. Oh and terrorism, nearly forgot that.

SCENE 13. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
Most people’s first experience with death usually involves their first pet.

SCENE 14. DEAD PET STORE

A SHOP KEEPER IS IN HER PET SHOP

F/X:SHOP BELL

SHOP KEEPER:
Good morning

MOTHER:
Good morning

SHOP KEEPER:
Can I help you?

MOTHER:
Yes, we are looking for a pet for Ben here.

SHOP KEEPER:
I think we can help. Ben is it your first pet?

BEN:
Yes

SHOP KEEPER:
What sort of pet do you want?

BEN:
Bunny.

SHOP KEEPER:
A rabbit. Do you like the look of these ones?

MOTHER:
They’re adorable.

SHOP KEEPER:
Well as this is your first pet I think you should get one of these.

MOTHER:
What is that smell? That’s disgusting.

SHOP KEEPER:
Statistics show that eight percent of first time pet owners kill their pets. Therefore to test whether you are ready for a proper pet we give you dead ones.

BEN:
What’s wrong with the Bunny Mummy?

MOTHER:
How does that help? Can you put it away, please?

SHOP KEEPER:
If you can stop it rotting after two weeks then you can have a live one. We have to think of the animal’s welfare.

MOTHER:
I think we’ll go somewhere else.

SHOP KEEPER:
You’ll regret it when you’re looking after a dead Bunny!

SCENE 15. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
Religion is a comfort to many people who deal with death especially if you know your possessions will go to a better place once you die.

SCENE 16. LAST RITES

A PRIEST IS ENTERING A HOSPITAL ROOM TO GIVE THE LAST RITES

PRIEST:
I’ve arrived just in time

DOCTOR:
Father, Joe is near the end, you don’t have too much time

PRIEST:
Can you hear me Joe

JOE:
Yes Father, can I make my last confession

PRIEST:
Of course

JOE:
Forgive me Father for I have sinned its been 2 hours since my last confession

PRIEST:
Two hours?

JOE:
The Priest came round for his weekly rounds.

PRIEST:
Okay, go on my son.

JOE:
In the last two hours I accidentally spilled some orange juice.

PRIEST:
In anger?

JOE:
No, I was having a heart attack. I was also rude to a nurse.

PRIEST:
What did you say?

JOE:
It’s not what I said; I didn’t get up when she entered the room.

PRIEST:
Joe you’re seriously ill, is there anything you want to confess before you enter the next world, and remember Joe, God’s servants are very busy so try to avoid trivialities.

JOE:
Father, I’m not Catholic.

PRIEST:
You’re not Catholic! Why did you have two confessions?

JOE:
I was being polite plus the NHS food is disgusting, could I have my bread and wine now?

SCENE 17. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
Faith is little comfort on the battle field where humans, like comedians, have to continuously deal with the ever present threat of dying. But comedians die metaphorically while soldiers die literally, it’s a bad comparison.

SCENE 18. BATTLE

SARGE, MILLS AND LIPPY ARE ON A BATTLE FIELD

SARGE:
Mills, what’s the situation

MILLS:
Hicks is injured, Fellen is dead and Lippy has a cold

SARGE:
Lippy has a cold?

MILLS:
Its bad sir. We have no Lemsip and he’s feeling drowsy.

SARGE:
Where is he?

MILLS:
Over there.

SARGE:
Lippy, can you hear me. You have to hang in there.

LIPPY:
I have the sniffles sir, I don’t think I can make it.

SARGE:
Lippy, listen to me, you’re going to make it.

LIPPY:
Do you remember Iraq Sir?

SARGE:
Yes I remember

LIPPY:
It was so warm, (PAUSE) Sarge I think I’m going, please tell my wife I love her

SARGE:
Lippy hang in there damn it, I promise you that next week we’ll be diffusing IEDs in Iraq. Hang in there, Lippy

LIPPY:
I can see a log fire…its so pretty…

LIPPY DIES

MILLS:
He’s gone to the big Jacuzzi in the sky

SARGE:
They get younger all the time.

SCENE 19. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
One of the oldest professions in the world is based on dealing out death. It’s not the one you’re thinking about.

SCENE 20. ASSASINATION

ASSASIN:
It was two years ago that I was given this mission. Two long years it has taken me and I’m still no closer to achieving my goal. I haven’t completed my mission yet but I won’t stop until I have. I do not know my victim’s identity but I was given a name, Jones, and a location, Wales.

THE ASSASIN ENTERS A WELSH HARDWARE STORE

DAVID:
Can I help you miss.

ASSASIN:
Are you Jones?

DAVID:
No, I’m David

ASSASIN:
David Jones?

DAVID:
No, David David

ASSASIN:
But this is Jones Hardware Store?

DAVID:
Yes but he works on Saturdays

ASSASIN:
Where does he live?

DAVID:
Oh just up the road there on the hill

ASSASIN:
Any family?

DAVID:
Yes quite a large family.

ASSASIN:
Have any of them ripped off a drug baron?

DAVID:
I don’t think so

ASSASIN:
But you’re not sure?

DAVID:
No, do you want to purchase anything love?

ASSASIN:
Yes, could I have a spade, some rope, lime powder and a chainsaw please.

SCENE 21. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
Death causes irrational fears like assasination. A common phobia is the dead coming back to life. It’s everyone’s nightmare unless of course the person coming back to life is Jesus.

SCENE 22. ZOMBIE

RADIO ADDRESS

NEWS READER:
Until the zombies are exterminated the government advises all citizens to stay indoors with the exception of Hoodies. Please secure all entrances and lock yourself in a room.

HOODIES ARE TORMENTING A ZOMBIE

STEVE:
Wow, he looks stoned. Are you high?

ZOMBIE:
(GROANS)

ADAM:
Hey man, kick him in the balls

CHRIS:
Ain’t it dangerous

STEVE:
Are you chicken man, kick the idiot

F/X:KICKS ZOMBIE IN THE BALLS

CHRIS:
Ow. He bit me. Bite this

F/X:CHRIS PUNCHES ZOMBIE

ADAM:
Wow, you punched his head off.

STEVE:
You’re in mad trouble now. You’re going to be smelling bacon soon

CHRIS:
I didn’t mean to…I…I…

ADAM:
Hey Chris, why are you rolling around on the floor?

CHRIS:
(GROANS)

STEVE:
Now Chris is high

ADAM:
It must have been from when he was bitten

STEVE:
Oh my God

CHRIS:
(GROANS)

ADAM:
Hey Chris! Bite me I want to get high

STEVE:
Me too.

SCENE 23.
NARRATION

NARRATOR:
In the ghettos of America there are people worse off than Hoodies who have to deal with the daily danger of death.

SCENE 24. G-DOG

TWO RAPPERS ARE TALKING IN THE ‘GHETTO’

MACFLOW:
Hey G-Dog what’s sup?

G-DOG:
Just chillin.

MACFLOW:
Dawg is that a new bullet proof vest

G-DOG:
It’s the new Sachi range, its got a place for my Ipod and automatically issues an album when I’m shot.

MACFLOW:
Man that’s cool. Where are your bodyguards?

G-DOG:
Ring Fence was shot on Saturday when I went to get some fried chicken; Brick House was arrested for GBH

MACFLOW:
Heavy

G-DOG:
Yeah but in his defence he told the child five times that he couldn’t have an autograph. Berlin Wall was taken ill yesterday and Little Joe ate too much pizza and can’t fit through his door.

MACFLOW:
Why are out here then

G-DOG:
The album’s not doing so well; I thought if someone shot me it might increase sales

MACFLOW:
I’ll shoot you

G-DOG:
You would do that for me

MACFLOW:
You’re my homie, of course I’ll do it

G-DOG:
You a good friend.

MACFLOW:
Ready

G-DOG:
Go for it

F/X:SAFETY ON A GUN IS SWITCHED OFF

G-DOG:
Dude aim for the chest not the hea…

F/X:GUN SHOT

MACFLOW:
Dude are you alright, dude.

F/X:SOUND OF CD BEING PRINTED

MACFLOW:
Genius, a new album

SCENE 25. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
Most people can put up with death providing it’s not on their door step but when its at a sushi bar near you people get a little worried.

SCENE 26. RUSSIAN SUSHI

TWO RUSSIANS MEET IN A SUSHI BAR

VLADIMIR:
Hello Victor I’m glad you could meet me here

VICTOR:
Well you flew all the way over here to see me so it’s the least I can do.

VLADIMIR:
I understand that you are trying to blackmail Mr Rosko

VICTOR:
Vladimir that’s not the whole story. These are corrupt business men who killed our own citizens to justify a war which kills hundreds of soldiers every month.

VLADIMIR:
Victor, you realise that Mr Rosko will not sit idly by while you threaten to make public his past mistakes.

VICTOR:
I understand but what can I do, no one will employ me because I am former agent and every one in this country thinks I’m a conspiracy nutter.

VLADIMIR:
They won’t think that in a couple of days

VICTOR:Pardon

VLADIMIR:
I said why haven’t you touched your sushi?

VICTOR:
In a minute, what should I do Vladimir?

VLADIMIR:
You look tired; I think you should get some bed rest

VICTOR:
You’re right; I do feel a little green

VLADIMIR:
Get some rest and in a couple of days you’ll be glowing like a pregnant lady, but you must eat.

VICTOR:
Yes Vladimir, that’s strange

VLADIMIR:
What is strange?

VICTOR:
This sushi is hot, must be a new way of making it.

SCENE 27. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
Deadly innovations like radioactive sushi are common in today’s world. Throughout history People have invented new ways of killing each. One of the most dangerous has been the car.

SCENE 28. CAR CRASH CASH BONANZA

F/X:TWO CARS COLLIDE

ED:
Are you OK. I didn’t see you, you came out of nowhere.

JOHN:
I think I’m OK, Ow! My neck I think I have whiplash

ED:
Really, but I wasn’t travelling that fast.

JOHN:
Definitely whiplash and yep I think you have fractured my leg

ED:
How do you know?

JOHN:
I’ve done this; I mean I’ve done it before.

ED:
Hey are you one of those people who cause accidents to claim off the insurance.

JOHN:
How dare you suggest that? Barry can you believe the nerve of this guy?

BARRY:
Unbelievable

ED:
Who are you?

BARRY:
I’m Barry, I saw everything you came out of nowhere and rammed John.

ED:
You are trying to con me.

SAM:
Barry and John would never do that. I clearly saw you come out of nowhere and smash into John.

JOHN:
I think you’ve made me impotent as well. You insurer’s not going to be happy with you.

ED:
Fine, what are your insurance details?

JOHN:
I’m not insured why do you think I crashed into you?

SCENE 29. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
Both technical revolutions and actual revolutions are usually the cause of bloodshed. Here’s a tip if you caught up in a revolution, wear the same colour you’re probably be safe.

SCENE 30. REVOLUTION

REVOLUTIONARY COMMUNISTS ARREST A CAPITALIST

COMMISAR:
Demetri get him against the wall.

DEMETRI:
Yes Commisar

COMMISAR:
You though you could get away with it, hoarding grain while the brave Soviet soldiers starve. Well your death will be another victory on the road to our communist paradise. Any last words you bourgeois swine.

ROMAN:
Err I thought I was a capitalist

COMMISAR:
You are a capitalist

ROMAN:
But you just said that I was a bourgeois swine

COMMISAR:
You are you can be both

ROMAN:
Well that hardly seems fair

DEMETRI:
I though he was a Bolshevik

COMMISAR:
Demetri, we are Bolsheviks

DEMETRI:
Aren’t we communists?

COMMISAR:
We are both, we use to be Bolsheviks now we communists

DEMETRI:
I thought we use to be the Proletarian Vanguard.

ROMAN:
Wait a minute does that make me a Gulag?

COMMISAR:
The Gulag is where you would be going but I am going to kill you

F/X:GUN SHOT

DEMETRI:
Why did you kill the Gulag?

F/X:GUN SHOT

SCENE 31. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
People die all the time but telling them that they are going to die does not get any easier.

SCENE 32. DIAGNOSIS

A DOCTOR IS DIAGNOSING MR FIRTH’S ILLNESS

DOCTOR:
I’m afraid its bad news Mr Firth. The surgery did not work and I don’t know quite how to tell you this but you are dead.

MR FIRTH:
Dead? But if I’m dead why am I still here talking to you?

DOCTOR:
That’s the good news; although you are clinically dead it does not appear to have had any adverse effects.

MR FIRTH:
But I’m dead

DOCTOR:
Yes

MR FIRTH:
And there is nothing you can do to make me better

DOCTOR:
Well no, you are only the second person in history who has had this condition.

MR FIRTH:
Second?

DOCTOR:
Yes the first recorded case was a man, of similar age called Jesus. You may have heard of him. Can I ask have you talked to God recently?

MR FIRTH:
Well when I was told I had cancer, I prayed a lot

DOCTOR:
But you haven’t talked to God on a personal basis?

MR FIRTH:
No

DOCTOR:
Well that rules out Second Coming Syndrome. Erm I suspect you want to tell your wife you are dead.

MR FIRTH:
Not particularly, I’d rather you tell me how I can be treated now I’m dead.

DOCTOR:
Phamaldehide usually works. Sorry that was a bad joke. I’m afraid Mr Firth we really can’t do anything for you.

MR FIRTH:
Nothing at all

DOCTOR:
Well you could take some paracetamol.

SCENE 33. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
Doctors often highlight stress as being a major cause of death. Many people die because they succumb to the pressure of the Rat Race. If only everyone had a stress ball.

SCENE 34. RAT RACE

TIM IS HAVING A MEETING WITH MALCOLM

TIM:
Malcolm, it’s just not good enough.

MALCOLM:
I know Tim but I’ve been under a lot of pressure

MALCOLM:
We’ve been working on this for two bloody months solid and you haven’t delivered.

MALCOLM:
My doctor told me to take it easy, he told me to get out of the rat race

TIM:
Don’t do this to me Malcolm. I have to do this and you’re making me feel bad.

MALCOM:
Please Tim, I’m really sorry.

TIM:
I have to make examples or everyone else would slack off. We can’t have that can we Malcolm? Bend over Malcolm

MALCOLM:
I’ve learnt my lesson Tim, I won’t do it again. Please

TIM:
Take it like a man Malcolm, if you close your eyes it’ll pass quicker.

F/X:A LOUD SMACK

TIM:
What do we say?

MALCOLM:
Thank you Tim

TIM:
You’re welcome

MALCOLM:
Can I be excused Tim

TIM:
Yes Malcolm, oh and Malcolm next time you will…

MALCOLM:
Number the pages Tim

TIM:
Well done Malcolm.

SCENE 35. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
Luckily most people die alone but the unfortunate sometimes die in large numbers by disease, natural disaster or even famine

SCENE 36. IRISH POTATOE FAMINE

TWO IRISHMEN FIND A POTATO

PATRICK:
Liam! Liam! Look I’ve found some potatoes

LIAM:
Thank God, I’m starving

PATRICK:
Wait Liam I don’t think they have a label on them

LIAM:
Not again, how will we know if there high in slat or fat without a traffic light system

PATRICK:
What type do you think they are?

LIAM:
They’re not King Edwards that’s for sure, Maris Piper maybe

PATRICK:
No I don’t think so, could be Ulster Prince, Golden Wonder, White Lady. Wait I know they’re Charlottes.

LIAM:
I like those how shall we cook them?

PATRICK:
Wait, here’s the sack they were in, ‘Charlotte potatoes, non-organic’

LIAM:
Damn it, there not organic. What can we eat now.

PATRICK:
I think there’s some cheese strings over there.

SCENE 37. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
Many individuals and groups work to save people. Death is often avoided through the efforts of the brave like fire-fighters, police men and bomb diffusers.

SCENE 38. BOMB DISPOSING

WILLIAM:
Yeah Frank you were right it’s a mark 2 Johnson. HQ says you should go for the red wire, I repeat go for the red wire.

FRANK:
I’m not sure Will, there are five red wires

WILLIAM:
HQ has the manual in their hands and is 100% certain you should cut the red wire.

FRANK:
I’m telling you Will, there are five red wires.

WILLIAM:
It should have a blue wire, two green wires, a brown wire and a red wire.

FRANK:
Should I cut all the wires because they’re all red

WILLIAM:
Negative Frank. Standby…Can you describe the bomb to us?

FRANK:
Yes it has a red casing, red circuit board and the explosive is dyed red

WILLIAM:
I’m pulling you out Frank; we’ll get someone else to look at it

FRANK:
OK but they’ll tell you the same thing.

FRANK LEAVES THE BOMB AND IT IS DIFFUSED BY SOMEONE ELSE

MARTIN:
Cutting the red wire, bomb diffused.

WILLIAM:
Thanks Maritn. Frank I think we have to talk

FRANK:
OK

WILLIAM:
Frank we are going to have to let you go, to be honest we only hired you because of the equality legislation but you’re now endangering yourself and other people.

FRANK:
Oh I’m fired now just because I can’t diffuse a bomb

WILLIAM:
Its part of your job description Frank

FRANK:
You’ll be hearing from my solicitor, firing me because I’m black it’s unbelievable.

WILLIAM:
Frank, your white, we’re firing you because you colour blind

FRANK:
Am I?

SCENE 39. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
Once people die they go to Heaven or Hell depending on what they were like in real life. Saint peter is the bloke who decides who gets in and who doesn’t

SCENE 40. PEARLY GATES

SAINT PETER:
Welcome to the Pearly Gates, your name is.

ED:
Ed, what just happened.

SAINT PETER:
You died, date of birth

ED:
March the 8th 1973, how did I die?

SAINT PETER:
Eggs

ED:
Eggs?

SAINT PETER:
You got Ecoli from an egg and died. Earthly residence

ED:
Farnborough, Kent. So I got in Heaven

SAINT PETER:
If every thing checks out yes.

ED:
Sweet, what did I get in for?

SAINT PETER:
Good behaviour, specifically you brushed your teeth every day.

ED:
Brushing my teeth?

SAINT PETER:
Hygiene is very important, we can’t stink up heaven or else it wouldn’t be heaven would it. Religion?

ED:
Christian, Church of England.

SAINT PETER:
Just checking the computer, it takes a minute, any questions?

ED:
Is God a man or a woman?

SAINT PETER:
Well you can’t define god as…

ED:
Is there something wrong?

SAINT PETER:
Can’t let you in with trainers.

ED:
What

SAINT PETER:
No trainers, it’s a Heaven policy.

ED:
Can I take them off

SAINT PETER:
No sir, step behind the rope sir,

ED:
But where can I go?

SAINT PETER:
You can go to hell sir.

SCENE 41. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
To try and stop people dying and going to heaven the government issues public information adverts, bloody nanny state, as it recognises that some activities are dangerous and could lead to death. To combat this they issue safety adverts to warn the public.

SCENE 42. SAFETY ADVERTS

GIRL:
Hit me at 40 miles per hour and there’s an 80% chance I will die. Hit me at 30 miles per hour and there’s an 80% chance I will live. Hit me at 20 miles per hour there’s a, carry the 1, 90% chance I will live. Hit me at 10 miles per hour in a 4x4 with bull bars there’s a 73.4% chance I will die but a 100% chance that your children in the back seat will be fine. The new 4x4 Farm Rover from Cord motors. If your children are safe who cares about others?

JOE IS DRINKING WITH ROGER

JOE:
Roger, do you want a drink.

ROGER:
No thanks I’m driving

JOE:
Go on, its only one drink.

ROGER:
Alright then,

TIME PASSES

JUDGE:
Roger Frederick Smith, you are accused of several charges. Driving under the influence how do you plead?

ROGER:
Guilty

JUDGE:
Exposing yourself in public

ROGER:
Guilty

JUDGE:
Racing Grannies

ROGER:
Guilty

JUDGE:
High Treason

ROGER:
Guilty

JUDGE:
Tax avoidance

ROGER:
I didn’t do that when I was drunk

JUDGE:
Sorry, that’s a charge against your barrister. I hope Mr Smith that you’ve learnt your lesson.

ROGER:
Yes you honour I will never drink again.

JUDGE:
No we want you to drink or else the government wouldn’t make any money, just don’t drink and drive.

ROGER:
Oh. OK.

SCENE 43. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
Like lawyers, then you’re an idiot, oh sorry I read that wrong I’ll start again. Like lawyers some of the biggest companies in the world make money out of death

SCENE 44. ARMS ACROSS AFRICA

VOICE OVER:
Give a man a fish and he will feed for a day. Give a man an AK 47 and he will shoot lots of fish

F/X:SOUND OF AN AK47 BEING FIRED

VOICE OVER:
Give a man an AK 47 and he can defend his land and family. Give a man a weapons cache and he can become a warlord and defend a lot of land and people. So help us spread arms across Africa.

SCENE 45. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
Political events in Africa have shown that racial tensions can lead to death in extreme cases. In Britain these tensions are growing.

SCENE 46. THE KBP

DRYSTAN:
I’d liked to call to order the first meeting of the KBP. I think everyone here knows why this group was formed. For years now we have tolerated a flood of immigration into our country. We have been increasingly marginalised and have in effect become a minority in our own country. It has to stop. I say we should send them all back. Brietta

BRIETTA:
Thank you Drystan. It is disgusting the state this country is in. Our traditions have been ridiculed and sidelined yet we have to respect the religion and rituals of other. I say we make a stand; KBP is the only party which has the guts and the will power to stand up to these, these trespassers.

DRYSTAN:
I think we all agree with Brietta on this point. We have been stretched to breaking point and we’re not going to bend over any more. We are going to Keep Britain Pure! Keep Britain Pagan! We’ll drive the Romans, Anglo-Saxons, Vikings and Normans into the sea. Who’s with me!

F/X:CHEERS

SCENE 47. NARRATION

NARRATOR:
So that was death explained in a nutshell. I think the important thing to remember is that we’ll all going to die probably sooner rather than later. Hope you enjoyed the show.

END

Hi ajp

Very good. A lot of it is very clever and it is very funny.

Think it needs a rewrite to tighten it up and make it as effective as possible before you submit it, but it's very nearly there.

Other thing is: I'm not sure you'd have enough for a whole series! I know you said you were finding it difficult towards the end to get enough material. Are you going to use a different theme for each episode? (Think if you submit somewhere, a synopsis of the episodes would be a good accompaniment)

Hope this helps

Dan

I have to admit that I really like this. A couple of great scenes in there and it starts very well (loved the survivors of a plane crash on the way to Amsterdam). I would definitely give it a close re-read yourself as there are some small trimmings that could be made and a couple of small blips (eg the F/X of the plane crashing BEFORE the captain asks people to return to their seats) as well as a few typos (eg on the last narrator line saying"...important thing to remember is that we’ll all going to die..."). A couple of instances where although obvious to the reader might be harder to get across on the radio (eg the "Asif we are going to blow up the train" which we get as we know his name is Asif - perhaps if the narrator was to introduce them? - I'm not nit-picking here and I know that if pronounced a certain way may very well work - just think it is worth a second look/thought before committing to it in it's present format). These are all just minor and sometimes fairly cosmetic things but I guess if you are submitting it it needs to be as polished as possible. Overall a very good piece which started well which is always key I guess.
Good luck.
Andy
P.S. Are you a secret Take That fan?

Thanks for the comments, swerytd there are different themes for each episode which are death, food, reproduction, animals, growth and social relationships.

Andy i'm not a Take That fan, my sister is/was so i had to sit through an awful lot of concerts on video when i was little (did i just reveal too much?), i just thought it might be something that radio 4 listeners would relate to as they either like them now they've reformed or have daughters who were fans.
Don't worry about 'nit-picking' as i think you make a good point, i should make it more obvious by either doing what you suggested or putting in the script that the barrister says in line in a sarcastic way.

Thanks to both of you for the comments about tightening up/re-reading it as you were confirming what i thought.