Bog-Eyed & Simple: Detective Agency

Right, here's something I wrote that's sort of character-based mini-sitcom. It's sort of a mini-story split into five short scenes that would recur through a half-hour character-based sketch show. I've got six stories (one per episode) though this is the only one that's made it to script so far. (Will do the others when I get the time). Let me know what you think.

Cheers

Dan

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BOG-EYED AND SIMPLE: DETECTIVE AGENCY

Episode 1: 'Uberchav'

SCENE 1. INT. A HALLWAY. - DAY

CAMERA MOVES SLOWLY TOWARDS AN INTERNAL DOOR THAT HAS THE TOP HALF FROSTED GLASS WITH THE WORDS ‘BOG-EYED AND SIMPLE’ ABOVE AND ‘OUT OF OUR DEPTH INVESTIGATIONS’ BELOW. CAMERA MOVES TOWARDS THE FROSTED GLASS PANEL AND THROUGH IT INTO AN OFFICE.

WE SEE A DESK, BEHIND WHICH SITS A PODGY MAN WITH SCRUFFY HAIR AND MILK-BOTTLE THICKNESS GLASS THAT MAGNIFY HIS PERMANENTLY CROSSED-EYES, BOG-EYED.

SAT ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE DESK WITH HIS BACK TO A FILING CABINET IS SIMPLE. HE HAS HIS HANDS ON HIS KNEES LIKE A BADLY-BEHAVED CHILD AND IS LOOKING VACANTLY INTO MIDDLE-DISTANCE. HIS TONGUE RESTS ON THE BOTTOM LIP OF HIS SLIGHTLY-OPEN MOUTH. HE HAS VERY SHORT, ALMOST COMPLETELY SHAVED HAIR.

A MIDDLE-AGED MAN IN A TRACKSUIT, WEARING TOO MUCH JEWELLERY, MR SMITH, IS SAT ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE DESK, FACING BOG-EYED. HIS TRACKSUIT TOP IS ZIPPED OPEN TO REVEAL A LARGE, SHINY MEDALLION. HIS TRACKSUIT BOTTOMS ARE TUCKED INTO HIS WHITE SOCKS AND HE IS WEARING BRIGHT-WHITE TRAINERS WITH ENORMOUS PROTRUDING TONGUES.

MR SMITH:
…so I think she’s having an affair. I can’t catch them at it because I’m either at the dole office or down the pub getting blasted while they’re at it. So, I need you to find out who with. (PAUSE)
What’s with him?

MR SMITH POINTS TO SIMPLE. AS HE DOES THE LIGHT CATCHES HIS MEDALLION AND THE REFLECTED LIGHT MOVES ACROSS THE FILING CABINET. SIMPLE’S ATTENTION IS SUDDENLY CAUGHT AND HIS HEAD ERRATICALLY FOLLOWS THE REFLECTION AS IT ZOOMS ONE WAY AND THEN BACK AS MR SMITH STOPS POINTING. HE MAKES A SMALL ‘HRARGH’ NOISE AND IS CAPTIVATED BY THE REFLECTED SPOT OF LIGHT.

BOG-EYED:
Oh, nothing. He’s just very quiet. He has to concentrate hard to … erm… (SLOWLY) keep his focus… (PAUSE) … and he likes shiny things.

MR SMITH:
What can you offer me then? Why should I go with you over ‘Hazy Davy’s Detectivicity’?

BOG-EYED:
We’re cheaper.

MR SMITH:
(PAUSE) Done!

MR SMITH AND BOG-EYED STAND UP TO SHAKE HANDS. THE LIGHT FROM THE REFLECTION OF THE MEDALLION SHOOTS FROM THE FILING CABINET ACROSS THE ROOM. SIMPLE RUNS UP A CHAIR ONTO THE DESK AND LAUNCHES HIMSELF AT THE SMALL POINT OF LIGHT SCREAMING. HE CRASHES HEAD FIRST INTO THE BLINDS AND WINDOWS. CLOSE-UP OF SIMPLE’S FACE AS HIS HEAD IS UP AGAINST THE FILING CABINET, TONGUE HANGING OUT. WE HEAR MR SMITH AND BOG-EYED AGREEING A DEAL IN THE BACKGROUND.

BOG-EYED:
Thank you, Mr Smith. We will find out what we can and report back to you as soon as we have anything.

SCENE ENDS

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SCENE 2. INT. OFFICE - DAY

BOG-EYED IS WRITING AT HIS DESK, FINDING IT DIFFICULT SHOWN BY ENORMOUS BOG-EYED LOOP MOVEMENTS OF THE PEN. HE CANNOT FOCUS ON HIS NOTEPAD PROPERLY. SIMPLE IS TRYING TO FORCE A SQUARE-SHAPED PIECE INTO A CIRCULAR HOLE IN A CHILD’S TOY. BOG-EYED LOOKS UP.

BOG-EYED:
(SIGHS) I’m sick of this type of work, Simple. All we seem to do is attract the underclasses of society, chasing from one council estate to another, finding out which bloke’s half-brother is sleeping with whose wife; running between lifeless grey houses and their pet satellite dishes, hiding behind faded, red Vauxhall Astras. Aren’t you?

CLOSE-UP ON SIMPLE’S FACE. HE STARES VACANTLY INTO SPACE WITH TONGUE RESTING ON BOTTOM LIP OF OPEN MOUTH. HE NODS ONCE, ALMOST INPERCEPTIBLY. ACTION RETURNS TO BOG-EYED.

BOG-EYED:
Right! To work!

CLOSE-UP ON DRAWER LABELLED ‘MOST COMMONLY-USED STUFF FOR COUNCIL ESTATE SNOOPING’. BOG-EYED TRIES TO GRAB HANDLE AND MISSES TWICE BEFORE VIOLENTLY GRABBING AND PULLING IT OPEN. HE PULLS OUT AND EXAMINES A PAIR OF FISHER-PRICE, PRIMARY-COLOURED BINOCULARS. HE LOOKS THROUGH THEM AND LOOKS DIRECTLY AT CAMERA. MAGNIFIED CROSSED EYES FILL THE SCREEN. HE THEN PULLS OUT A SMALL SATELLITE DISH ON A HANDLE AND LOOKS IT OVER BEFORE FOLLOWING THE WIRE ATTACHED TO IT AND DISCOVERING A PAIR OF LARGE HEADPHONES, DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY FOR EAVESDROPPING. HE PUTS THEM ON AND POINTS IT AT SIMPLE, WHO BANGS IN THE SQUARE SHAPE INTO THE CIRCULAR HOLE WITH A LARGE MALLET. THE SHAPE DISAPPEARS INTO THE BOX. BOG-EYED SCREAMS AT THE AMPLIFIED NOISE AND FALLS OFF HIS CHAIR HOLDING HIS EARS.

SCENE ENDS

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SCENE 3. EXT. RUN-DOWN COUNCIL ESTATE - DAY

BOG-EYED IS SITTING IN A CAR. HE IS WEARING THE HEADPHONES AND POINTING THE MINIATURE SATELLITE DISH OUT OF THE PASSENGER-SIDE WINDOW. WE HEAR AMPLIFIED NOISES OF A MAN GRUNTING AND A WOMAN GIGGLING. BOG-EYED OPENS HIS EYES WIDE.

WOMAN:
(D) (GIGGLES) That’s it! Put it there! Right up. Right up there! Oh, that’s good. Oh. My. Good. God. Oh my God! Yes! Yes! Ye-ee-eee-eeeesssssss!

BOG-EYED’S EYES GO BOG-EYED IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION TO NORMAL. HE FLINCHES BACKWARDS, KNOCKING HIS HEADPHONES OFF. HE TRIES TO CATCH THEM ALL FLUSTERED.

CUT TO:

INT. OUTSIDE COUPLE’S BEDROOM. –DAY.

SIMPLE OUTSIDE THEIR BEDROOM. WE HEAR NOISES THROUGH THE DOOR. HE CAREFULLY NUDGES THE DOOR OPEN AND WE SEE SHE IS SLEEPING WITH THE BIGGEST, MOST MUSCLE-BOUND MAN, UBERCHAV. UBERCHAV IS COMPLETELY NAKED EXCEPT FOR AN ENORMOUS MEDALLION AND RINGS APLENTY. HE STILL HAS HIS WHITE TRAINERS ON. HE HAS A COMPLETELY SHAVEN HEAD EXCEPT FOR ‘MUM’ WRITTEN ACROSS THE BACK IN HAIR.

SIMPLE BEGINS TAKING PICTURES WITH A POLAROID/FISHER-PRICE CAMERA. HE MOVES CLOSER AND CLOSER AND CLOSER, CLICKING AWAY, UNTIL HE EVENTUALLY STICKS THE CAMERA LENS DIRECTLY INTO UBERCHAV’S BUTTOCK.

CUT TO:

EXT. COUNCIL ESTATE. – DAY.

BOG-EYED POINTING SATELLITE DISH AT HOUSE. ALL NOISE SUDDENLY STOPS. THERE IS SILENCE FOR A SECOND, BEFORE THE SINGLE CLICK OF A CAMERA.

CUT TO:

EXT. FRONT DOOR OF HOUSE. - DAY

SIMPLE RUNS OUT OF FRONT DOOR OF HOUSE WITH A SHOCKED VERSION OF HIS VACANT STARE. THIS DOES NOT CHANGE AS HE RUNS AT OLYMPIC SPEED OUT OF THE DOOR AND DOWN THE GARDEN PATH. HE RUNS WITH HIS ARMS AT A 45 DEGREE ANGLE TO HIS BODY. HIS EYES SHOW TERROR. NAKED UBERCHAV CHASES HIM OUT HOLDING A BASEBALL BAT SCREAMING AT HIM.

SCENE ENDS

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SCENE 4. EXT. COUNCIL ESTATE. – DAY.

VIEW FROM CAR. SIMPLE RUNS PAST AT AMAZING PACE. UBERCHAV IS CHASING HIM. BOG-EYED REACHES OVER TO TRY AND OPEN THE DOOR FOR SIMPLE. HE MISSES THE HANDLE AND SIMPLE TEARS BY AT AN OUTSTANDING PACE. BOG-EYED TRIES TO GRAB THE HANDLE AGAIN AND MISSES. HE OVERREACHES AND FALLS FORWARD ONTO THE CHAIR. HIS HEAD HITS THE DOOR RELEASE AND THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN STRAIGHT INTO UBERCHAV’S MIDRIFF, LEAVING HIM BENT DOUBLE. HE MANAGES TO START THE CAR AND WILDLY SPINS IT AROUND. THE CAR ROARS OFF DOWN THE ROAD, WEAVING WILDLY ALL OVER THE PLACE DUE TO BOG-EYED’S UNFORTUNATE EYESIGHT. HE SCREECHES TO A HALT AND KANGAROOS ALONGSIDE SIMPLE WHO IS STILL RUNNING AT FULL PELT WITH THE EXPRESSION OF SHOCK-HORROR ON HIS FACE. HE SHOUTS OUT OF THE OPEN WINDOW.

BOG-EYED:
Simple! It’s me! Get in!

LOOK OF SHOCK ON SIMPLE’S FACE STAYS THERE. HE DOESN’T SEEM TO REGISTER BOG-EYED’S PRESENCE. UBERCHAV APPEARS IN DISTANCE, STILL RUNNING TOWARDS THEM WITH BASEBALL BAT.

BOG-EYED:
Come on, Simple! Slow down so you can get in!

BOG-EYED OPENS PASSENGER-SIDE DOOR AND TRIES TO PULL ALONGSIDE SIMPLE, WHO IS STILL RUNNING AT RIDICULOUS PACE. BOG-EYED WEAVES NEARER TO SIMPLE AND PULLS OUT LARGE GRABBING TOOL, WITH THREE PRONGS AT END. HE TRAVELS AT SAME PACE AS SIMPLE AND CATCHES HOLD OF HIS TROUSERS WITH GRABBER. BOG-EYED PULLS QUICKLY AND SIMPLE IS DRAGGED INTO CAR. SIMPLE BANGS HEAD ON DOOR FRAME AS HE’S DRAGGED IN BUT IT DOESN’T AFFECT HIM, AND HIS ORIGINAL PACE IS ENOUGH TO TAKE HIM INTO THE CAR.

CUT TO:

EXT. FRONT OF CAR LOOKING IN WINDSCREEN. – DAY.

BOG-EYED THROWS GRABBER INTO REAR OF CAR. SIMPLE IS FACING WRONG WAY ON PASSENGER SEAT, FACE BURIED IN HEADREST, ARMS OUTSTRETCHED AS WHEN HE WAS RUNNING.

BOG-EYED PRESSES THE ACCELERATOR AND CAR WEAVES LEFT AND RIGHT BEFORE TEARING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE. CAR IS SEEN FROM BEHIND AS IT SHOOTS UP TO THE TOP OF A HILL AND DISAPPEARS OVER THE CREST. A BASEBALL BAT LANDS IN PICTURE. REAR VIEW OF NAKED UBERCHAV COMES INTO VIEW BEFORE STOPPING WITH HANDS ON HIPS LOOKING AFTER THE DISAPPEARING VEHICLE.

SCENE ENDS

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SCENE 5. EPILOGUE. INT. HALLWAY. – DAY.

CAMERA PANS THROUGH OFFICE DOOR AGAIN. MR SMITH IS AGAIN SAT AT THE DESK. BOG-EYED IS SAT OPPOSITE, BEHIND DESK. SIMPLE IS PUSHING STICKLE-BRICKS TOGETHER WITH ENORMOUS FORCE AND A STRAINED LOOK UPON HIS FACE. MR SMITH IS LOOKING THROUGH SOME PHOTOGRAPHS.

MR SMITH:
What’s this one?

BOG-EYED:
That’s an extreme close-up of an overly-muscular buttock.

MR SMITH:
Oh. (UNSURE) And you say *he* took these?

MR SMITH NODS TOWARDS SIMPLE. SIMPLE STOPS BUILDING.

SIMPLE:
(CHILDISH) I’m not *stupid*.

SIMPLE STARES DIRECTLY AT MR SMITH FOR A BRIEF SECOND, BEFORE RETURNING TO BUILDING HIS STICKLEBRICKS, WITH A LOOK OF EXTREME CONCENTRATION ON HIS FACE.

BOG-EYED:
Yes. Yes, he did.

MR SMITH:
And it’s all true, then?

BOG-EYED:
‘Fraid so.

MR SMITH:
(DEFEATED) What do your clients normally do in this situation?

BOG-EYED:
Ordinarily, in our experience, the … erm… ‘boyfriend’ seems to disappear entirely. Whether this is due to retribution or running from the social services is unclear. But, in this case, our learned opinion is (PAUSE) that you should really let her get on with it.

PAN OUT THROUGH DOOR TO HALLWAY. A SMALL PIECE OF LIGHT MOVES ACROSS THE FROSTED GLASS FOLLOWED BY THE SILHOUETTE OF SIMPLE RUNNING INTO THE DOOR AND FALLING DOWN BEHIND IT.

END OF EPISODE

Just to register an interest, Swerytd, I had a script accepted by a production company three weeks ago in which one of the main characters runs a detective agency. That went to the BBC Jan 19. Previously I'd been told by other companies that they didn't want a detective agency sitcom and so I made a subtle change to my character's employment and moved the focus of the show elsewhere. I haven't read your script, beyond what my eye caught, and our styles differ quite a bit. This is just for your information and I wish you well with your show.

Okay, cheers Charlie.

Mine is *so* far off being sent anywhere that I'm not going to worry about it!I wrote it cos I genuinely like the idea myself and wanted to see if I could write something a bit different.

It's sketch-character comedy rather than actual sitcom anyway but duly noted: I won't throw my toys out of the plan when I see a detective agency sitcom by Charlie Adams on BBC1!

;)

Dan

Hi Dan

I enjoyed the slap-stick style of this and thought the writing was very good and made the visual images easy to conjure up.

Some nice gags too; I liked the Simple character and the chasing / attraction to moving lights and bright things etc.

The only thing I was unsure about was the ending here (Mr Smith's story bit) and it left me feeling a little like I'd stumbled on the step that wasn't there, if you know what I mean?

But overall very well written and presented and I was thinking, for some reason, of a sort of manic style Mr Bean (intended as a compliment)

Nice work

B

Hi Dan, just read the above and it was paced well enough to keep me wanting to read more and see what was going to happen next. This is obviously a very visual 'mini-sitcom' and it came across to me as a Mr Magoo meets Mr Bean meets Police Squad - all of which have provided me with many laughs (OK, so I'm lying about the Magoo one - possibly Leslie Nielsons worst film and he's had a few!). Love the SIMPLE character (can't think where you got his name from) and jumping up to catch the light would be a great visual. A voice in my head was saying "Run Simple Run" in it's best Forrest Gump accent when he came sprinting out the door. Might be funny to have the front windscreen of Bog-Eye's car as a special 'prescription' piece of glass so that when you see him from the front his eyes are absolutely massive (not sure if that's original or not as it seems familiar but still funny so forgive me if it's been done before). I would give it another read over and make a few trimmings, for example one of the first lines is "I can’t catch them at it because I’m either at the dole office or down the pub getting blasted while they’re at it." - no need for the second "while they are at it". Overall, an enjoyable read of what is simple (obviously), silly and easy-to-view humour. If you do any more I would like to read them as I can see these two dimwits in many other sticky situations.
Cheers, Andy.

Both

Thanks for the comments, I will take them on board.

Blenkinsop

Quote: Blenkinsop @ February 9, 2007, 10:42 AM

The only thing I was unsure about was the ending here (Mr Smith's story bit) and it left me feeling a little like I'd stumbled on the step that wasn't there, if you know what I mean?

Not sure what you mean here? I'm a bit lost with what you're saying. Can you expand?

Andy

Quote: Andy W. @ February 9, 2007, 10:44 AM

Might be funny to have the front windscreen of Bog-Eye's car as a special 'prescription' piece of glass so that when you see him from the front his eyes are absolutely massive

That made me laugh out loud. Great idea! Cheers!

I will write more of them when I get the chance as I do enjoy writing them. Will post as and when I do more.

Dan

Hi Dan

Maybe a bit picky but it was just that I thought that Bog Eyed could have had a funnier suggestion for the client. It was just a little bit like a weakish punchline, but on reflection, this of course is not a sketch and perhaps my comment is not appropriate here.

As for a funnier line? Hmmm! That might take some time, I fear that it eludes me at the moment but if I get one I'll PM you.

Cheers

B

No, that's fine thanks B

Just didn't know what you meant! Will have a think and come up with something better.

Cheers

Dan

I liked it. I do think you could cut down on the description a little bit, because sometimes it was too long which made just want to skip right through it.

Cheers zappa

I'll try cut it down so it doesn't ruin the flow of the action.

Dan