The Halls Of Healing 1-2-3

This is a three part insert in a sketch show. A mini trilogy if you will. I'm posting it as it is not possible to amend the original thread header to show that it has been added to. Apologies to anybody who has read 1& 2 already

Cheers

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THE HALLS OF HEALING # 1

AN ELVISH COURT. VARIOUS MYSTICAL TYPES KICKING AROUND. A FANFARE SOUNDS

PAGE ELF:
My good and true Elves. Please welcome to the High Halls of Misteria, a traveller who has risked all to be here and give us tidings of the outside world. May I present to you...Darren, son of Barry.

GARSASIUS:
Hail Darren, son of Barry and a thousand welcomes to the Halls of Healing. Verily are you welcome.

PENTERA:
Yea Darren. May the seas sunder and the Ports of Paintos weep for the Sun, you are thrice welcome.

DARREN:
Awwight?

DARREN STICKS HIS THUMBS UP IN A BLOKEISH WAY

GARSASIUS:
Pray tell Darren, son of Barry. Have you partaken of sustenance?

DARREN:
Yeah! Sweet. I 'ad a Big Mac on me way over like... oh yeah! And some large fries with a regular Coke.

GARSASIUS:
Excellent for this news gladdens my heart (PAUSE) So tell us Darren, what of the Dark One? Has he mobilised a force against us, one so strong and evil that it will make us quail before him?

DARREN:
F**ked if I know...

JACINTHEA THE DAUGHTER OF GARSASIUS AND PENTERA ENTERS. SHE IS A VISION OF BEAUTY BEYOND COMPARE

DARREN
Whoa! Hold the bus there folks. Phoarr! Look at the tumblers on that!

HE SIDLES UP TO JACINTHEA

DARREN
Ding Dong! Can I borrow ten pence? I want to call my mum and tell her
I just met the girl of my dreams.

JACINTHEA
Beat it you cheesy loser.

DARREN
Playing hard to get eh? Well we'll see. What about if I take you, your Dad and Mum out for A Balti?

JACINTHEA:
What is this Balti of which you speak?

DARREN:
Trust me doll. You ain't lived until you've had a Balti.

JACINTHEA:
OK. What have I got to lose?

DARREN:
Don't tempt me doll, don't tempt me!

HALLS OF HEALING # 2

The Mini Saga Continues

GARSASIUS, PENTERA, JACINTHEA AND DARREN ALL SITTING AT A TABLE IN THE BALTI HOUSE.

GARSASIUS:
So Darren, son of Barry. This may be our last repast before the Dark One unleashes forces so evil that all of our world will be sundered. So we must eat our fill.

PENTERA:
Yea Darren. Verily does the Dark One seem to crave the end of our age. By the way, what are these large circular potato crispy type things?

DARREN:
Poppadums they are

PENTERA:
Lovely. And this gelatinous ochre coloured thing? How it reminds me of sunsets over the Uplands of Ungulu.

DARREN:
Mango chutney.

THEY BREAK UP THE POPPADUMS AND START EATING

DARREN:
'Ere Garsasius mate, about this Dark One Geezer wanting to flatten your gaff. Why not go to B&Qses and get some six foot larch-lap fencing? Concrete it all in and there you are! Job done. A bit of razor wire on top just in case some of his hordes fancy schlepping over it.

GARSASSIUS:
It is a strange lore, this of which you speak Darren, son of Barry. B&Qses? Is this some kind of powerful magic?

DARREN:
No. It's a big shop for DIY stuff.

GARSASSIUS:
Shop? What is a shop?

DARREN:
You know? Somewhere to buy things. You give money and they give you goods?

GARSASSIUS:
Here in our sacred enclave we share our wealth and riches. Money has no value to us although we have no shortage.

DARREN:
So you've got loads of dough, you don't value money and the concept of buying means nothing to you?

GARSASSIUS:
Indeed, Darren son of Barry. I believe that that sums up our values and way of life.

DARREN:
'Scuse me Garsassius me old mucker.

DARREN GETS OUT HIS MOBILE AND MAKES A CALL.

DARREN:
Phil! It’s me Darren. Look punch this into your sat nav. The Halls of Healing, The Elvish Enclave SW1 4DJ. Load the van up with that re-claimed double glazing we got last week and oh yeah, see if you can get hold of some larch-lap fencing. Cheers. Laters

HE PUTS THE PHONE IN HIS POCKET

DARREN:
Right Garsassius we'll have you snug as a bug and safe as you like from the Dark One, just as soon as you like. It'll cost you son, but you ain't gonna let that bother you are you?

JACINTHEA:
Darren why do you give me no attention? For am not I the most beautiful creature in all creation, what has been knocking around with you neah for nearly a week?

JACINTHEA DOES A DOUBLE-TAKE AT HER OWN MANNER OF SPEECH.

JACINTHEA:
Huh? (PAUSE) Yet all you speak of is B&Qses and larch-lap. What say you of my radiant beauty?

DARREN:
Look Gel, don't bother me when I'm working right? Eh Garsassius? Treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen. Eh? Eh?

THE HALLS OF HEALING # 3

The Mini Saga Continues

VOICE OVER:
Day 27: Garsassius, Pentera, Jacinthea, and Darren are all in the Room of feasting. Jade, Danielle and Jermaine are all in the dining area (PAUSE) Oops! Sorry! Wrong show.

DARREN:
Awwright Garsassius me old mucker?

GARSASSIUS:
Blindin' pel. Wicked an' that.

DARREN:
Sweet my son! Sweet!

JACINTHEA:
'Ere Dazza. What we doin' tonight?

PENTERA:
We're all gonna schlep down the bingo. Ain't that right Daz? I love Bingo and that ever since you introduced to the enclave. It's the golden jackpot tonight ain't it?

DARREN:
Yeah that's right Pen. Free hundred sovs.

JACINTHEA:
'Ere mum. Just fink what we could do wiv thet. We could be down Darren's new tanning salon, getting rid of our pale alabaster complexions and that.

PENTERA:
Yeah. T'riffic love.

GARSASSIUS:
If I could raise a toast to Darren, son of Barry, in recognition for all he has done for us. He has changed our ways, proper well for the better like.

GARSASSIUS RAISES HIS GOBLET:

GARSASSIUS:
I give you our Lord Most High (PAUSE) Darren son of Barry! Our one true leader and saviour.

ALL:
Darren son of Barry!

GARSASSIUS:
Tell me Daz, what ever happened to the Dark One? 'Member when you came rahnd that first night?

DARREN:
Never heard of him Gaz mate. I reckon somebody was pulling your pisser there son. You've been well tucked up mate!

END

I lovet the term "Tumblers" for boobies. Excellent. That will be a catchprase, and the "pulling my pisser".

Its so cool. I look forward to reading the drafts for Halls of Hearing.

Hubs had a gander and liked too. Infact he has offered to play with my tumblers later so wahey!!!!! I may in turn pull his pisser. Last thing i want to be considered as is selfish.

Perhaps if this does nothing else it may serve to act as some form of marriage assistance device.

I am delighted that you both liked it and I trust that yesterday evening was a mutual success.

Hi Hun. I feel a bit like an empty cow today. However I am very concerned about hubs. He is getting it out for everyone. Granny is to old for such excitement, I fear her coffin dodging days may be over. He is considering sticking it through the letterbox at 7am as a surprise for the postman. I know our postman and he will pull anything. Anyhoo off to see what he's done with the thermal flask.xx

Charley

This is not quite the response that I was hoping for when posting this. I seem to be getting embroiled in your family doings.Errr

Call 00227 232323 there's good help from trained people there. ;)