Please let me know what you think of this scene from 'Worth More Dead'. It's one of several scenes at Derek's own funeral, after which his ex girlfriend discovers his true identity. After this scene she goes for a fag and becomes suspicious. I hope you enjoy be please be honest!

SCENE 17. INT. DAY: INSIDE THE CHURCH

WITH THE MOURNERS ASSEMBLED, DEREK AND BARRY SHUFFLE IN AND SIT NEAR THE BACK. CROSS CUT BETWEEN KAREN LOOKING BACK AND DEREK LOOKING AT KAREN.

Barry:
Is that her?

Derek:
That’s Karen alright. I do miss her.

HE BLOWS A KISS IN HER DIRECTION BUT ONLY AFTER HIS EX, KELLY FRANCIS (WHO WAS THE WOMAN IN THE BANK AND THE DEPARTMENT STORE) TURNS AROUND AND LOOKS AT HIM. SHE RECOILS IN HORROR.

Derek:
Bugger me, that’s Kelly Francis.

Barry:
Rather do the honours with her, thanks, Derek.

Derek:
She’s scrubbed up since I went out with her.

THE VICAR, AN EMACIATED, SHAVEN HEADED MANLIZARD, RAISES HIS HANDS AND SWAYS, BEZ LIKE AS HE LOOKS AT THE CONGREGATION. HE TALKS INEXPLICABLY LIKE MICK JAGGER.

Vicar:
We are gathered here today-

KELLY LOOKS BACK AGAIN AND GIVES DEREK A STUDIED LOOK. HE CHECKS THAT HIS BEARD IS STILL IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

Vicar:
To mourn the tragic loss of Derek Harold Mandren-

Derek:
Mandrill, you idiot.

DEREK IS SHUSHED AGGRESSIVELY BY TWO ELDERLY LADIES.

Derek:
That’s Auntie Beryl and Auntie Mavis – twins. Never married.

Barry:
Lesbos?

Derek:
Never put it to the test. Both my parents would turn in their graves.

Vicar:
- his soul to almighty Jesus and friends. I’d like Derek’s close friend to read a short eulogy -

Derek:
They call him, ‘Dave the Rave’ – Reverend David Brown used to be seen in all the clubs on ecstasy in the 90s. Found God but the drugs make him get mixed up.

Vicar:
-And then we will sing a hymn which you will find on page 41 of your… Book of hymns..called a hymnus.. I believe.

DEREK’S ‘OLD FRIEND’ ERIC ‘STINK’ HUDDLESTONE GETS UP AND TAKES THE STAND. HE IS A WET-LIPPED, RED CHEEKED, PIOUS TYPE..

Derek:
Oh no, it’s Stink –

Barry:
Was he really an old friend?

Derek:
No, and he smells like old cheese.

Stink:
At school, Derek was always the one who made peace when there was conflict.

Derek:
Not quite. I chased him around the playground with dog shit on a lollipop stick after he called me Derek ‘Mongrill’.

Stink:
And as you can see from this great turnout –

Derek (to Barry):
I don’t know half of them

Barry:
So who IS here?

Derek:
Oh, neighbours, old schoolfriends, ex girlfriend, work colleagues and a few randoms, like the cleaners from work and the woman I wave to when I go for the Sunday papers. You’ll meet them if we can gatecrash the party.

THE CAMERA PANS AROUND THE MOURNERS MENTIONED ABOVE. WHEN THE CAMERA GOES ON THE WAVING WOMAN, SHE TURNS AROUND. DEREK WAVES AT HER. SHE WAVES BACK AND LOOKS BACK A COUPLE OF TIMES. DEREK STOPS HIS WAVE ABRUPTLY.

Barry:
You’re not going to –

Derek:
I need to watch what’s going on between Karen and that bloke. I’m not even in my grave and someone’s hovering like a randy kestrel.

THEY ARE SHUSHED AGAIN BY DEREK’S TWIN AUNTS.

Stink:
So I hope you join me in singing Derek’s favourite hymn, ‘How Great Thou Art’

Derek:
What? We used to sing ‘How Great My Fart’ and Stink used to join in.

Barry:
I need a fag.

Derek:
I’ll come out with you. I need some fresh air, it’s hot in this disguise.

CUT, AS THEY RETREAT FROM THE CHURCH.

Its out of context so its hard to give much constructive criticism. I would say it needs more jokes but it may be building to something. If you are going to have mourners get Derek to comment on them in a funny way. e.g. expand on saying the aunts are lesbians instead of just stating it. I liked the shit on the stick bit but you can also extend that bit by putting in a cheese joke of a metaphor about peace.

What does Manlizard mean? I have this vision of a green lizard delivering a sermon.

Madly in love with the Vicar!
Cant say i would change a darn thing. Seeing as how this is just a small part of a big story i think it has plenty of jokes in it. Seems to me to be keeping the pace of your prevous drafts. I got chased around with shit on a stick when i was at school. Sarah Stevens if you ever read this, it was me who left that pressie in your plimsole, and it did not belong to a dog.

Loved it Fred.xxx

[quote name="ajp29" you can also extend that bit by putting in a cheese joke of a metaphor about peace.

What does Manlizard mean? [/quote]

Hi AJP. A manlizard is a man with reptilian features. Why, there's millions of 'em. A cheese joke of a metaphor about peace? Now who's been smoking something! Charley, glad you like the rave vicar. Later, he'll reveal his 'God is a DJ' T shirt.

It was two in the morning and I think I was very tired, what i meant was add a cheese joke, or a metaphor about peace. But if you can put in a cheese joke of a metaphor about peace then I will bow down before your greatness

Peace has a whole different meaning if you speak with an Eastern European accent

I might have mentioned this before but this puts me in mind of Reggie Perin. I still think it needs something more to really make it sparkle but so far as it goes, you're still keeping a good flow of dialogue which makes it quite an easy read.

Note to self: write a cheese joke of a metaphor about peace! Baumski, comparisons with Reggie Perrin are inevitable. With the help of you talented writers I can avoid going down that route too strongly!

Make Cheese Not War

You mess with my cheese and you're dead!

MAKE LOVE NOT CHEESE

Cheese in our time, blessed are the cheese makers (Life of Brian), we all inhabit this small blue cheese, Devon on earth, a feta tomorrow, go back to your constituencies and cheddar for victory, let the peace baby bel ring. And i'm spent.

Yikes! Dr David Steele quoted in cheese-related pun on comedy forum shocker! Maybe in the future Paris Hilton's inane warblings will be piped into the helmets of space tourists.