Written a quick sketch, love to know what you think. It's called builder's bump and it's on the site http://www.tompk.cjb.net/home.htm

Cheers

It wasn't working for some people so I posted it lower down

.....Anyone?

I couldn't open it, don't know if anyone else has had that problem.

I had a similar problem Tom - thought it might have just been my Mac. Perhaps you could copy and paste it in here?

Liked it Tom. Kept imagining a long drawn out scream after he falls. Almost too long, rather like a weird person that hugs you for a few uncomforable seconds too long.

too long...the scream that is.

SCENE 1. EXT. A HALF BUILT SKYSCRAPER

TWO BUILDERS SIT ON A GIRDER THOUSANDS OF FEET UP IN THE AIR. THEY ARE EATING LUNCH AND CHATTING, A CITY SKYLINE BEHIND THEM.

BUILDER #1:

… Didn’t really understand but when I went home and asked Claire she said it was his uncle that paid the deposit in the first place.

BUILDER #2:

Oh yeah?

BUILDER #1:

Yeah

A SILENCE AS THE TWO SIT AND EAT

BUILDER #2:

Hey did you speak to Steve?

BUILDER #1:

Oh yeah I spoke to Steve, he wasn’t happy. Ha you should have seen him, we were sat round the pool table and…

ALL OF A SUDDEN, AS HE IS ADJUSTING SLIGHTLY, BUILDER #1 LOSES HIS BALANCE AND FALLS OFF THE GIRDER WITH AN UNDERSTATED…

… Woops!

BUILDER #2:

Woah! (PAUSE) Right, I should start eating my lunch in the cafeteria like everyone else.

THE END

WJK, at first I thought just a "woops" would be funny because it was so understated for the situation (as is his friends reply) but now you mention it I like your idea of a really long screm, perhaps even hearing him take a breath to scream for longer, as well. I dunno which one I prefer, what does everyone else think?

scream, a breath then a scream. You are the prince and I like it and you!

Lol cheers WJFK. The prince? What does that mean?

anything good

Thanks for pasting it onto the board - I also couldn't get the link. I also couldn't get the joke, either! It needs better foundations, clearer construction and more attractive design (excuse the building puns). Worth developing, I think but developing a lot!

Hi Tom

I would have to agree with the other comments. I too think this needs more work. There is quite a nice visual but not very much else and as it stands the dialogue seems a bit redundant.

I'm not sure if the closing line is saying something that I am missing, or is it simply the guy is nonplussed that the other has fallen off?

maybe at the end he could be joined by another builder with sandwiches who was just waiting for a space to become available?

then perhaps you could pull back to reveal there's a queue of people waiting to have lunch on the girder

btw my preference is for an understated wooops, perhaps followed by a hideous thump after a pause to indicate he's crashed to the ground.

For those that didnt get it the sketch is making the observation of 'why do we think of builders as eating their lunch in dangerously high places?' This is then reinfocred when, in this case, there is actually a cafe for them on the ground and in fact the rest of them are eating there.

I know what you mean about the dialogue before it not contriuting to the actual joke itself but I like to establish situations so that they seem natural rather than written, if all the dialogue had a job with regards to the joke, the sketch would start with the guy falling.

By the way I'm not discounting critique at all, I accept all your advice, just giving you my side of it.

Fred could I ask how you would improve foundations, construction and design?

Hi Tom. Remember, this is just my humble opinion! Ideas? OK!
1) Improve the FOUNDATIONS by setting up a clear premise, e.g establish why they are eschewing the safety of the cafeteria for the perilous heights of a girder.

2) Improve the CONSTRUCTION by making the dialogue funny in itself and leading to the punch line (your dialogue is incidental).

3) Improve the DESIGN by by making the essence of the joke something more than someone falling off a girder. Build up to it, delay it.

You're a good writer, Tom. I hope these ideas help!

I liked it. But:

Quote: Tom Pk @ February 4, 2007, 5:15 PM

I know what you mean about dialogue not contributing to the joke but I like to establish situations so they seem natural rather than written, if all dialogue had a job with regards to the joke, the sketch would start with the guy falling.

View original

I think most writers that have made it to the top would disagree completely with that statement. A famous writer said EVERY word in a novel should justify itself being there, in short stories this is even more critical. In a sketch, it is paramount.

What's the primary role of a sketch? To make people laugh. If they want settings and stunningly crafted dialogue, explored in depth, they'll go watch a film or read a book.

Relationships and settings can be implied, by gesture / action / posture / even grunts. The real art we should be striving for in sketch-writing is packing in the biggest laugh as economically as possible.

Don't get me wrong, the joke is funny, Tom, but it isn't economical.

BUILDER #1:
Didn’t really understand but when I went home and asked Claire she said it was his uncle that paid the deposit in the first place.

BUILDER #2:
Oh yeah?

BUILDER #1:
Yeah

This section adds nothing to the relationship between the two men, nor does it give any true setting. It tells us that he possibly has a partner called Claire but even that is implied. Ditto the section about unhappy Steve and the pool game. It adds nothing to relationship or setting. The real setting here is that the men are avoiding the cafe, not the details of their inter-relationships, etc. And this needed clarification in a later post.

Could you start it with one of them mentioning the cafeteria and how dangerous it is with all the cigarette smoke there, and as his mate agrees, the guy falls off? In one line you explain the setting - they are avoiding the cafe - and the reason why - dangerous to health.

Saying 'woops' is in my mind the funnier. It is nicely understated.