Mr Men Versus Roger Hargreaves

Thought I'd try post something worthwhile for my 1000th post. It's for radio.

==============================
Mr Men Versus Roger Hargreaves
==============================
INT. COURTROOM.

JUDGE:
Counsel for the Defence, do you wish to cross-examine Mr Bump?

DEFENCE:
Yes, Your Honour. Mr Bump, you claim that Roger Hargreaves misrepresented you in his unauthorised biography of your life?

MR BUMP:
Yes, he did.

DEFENCE:
How so?

MR BUMP:
He makes light of my condition of dyspraxia. It is, quite frankly, offensive to all sufferers everywhere.

DEFENCE:
As we can see here, it is no laughing matter…

MR BUMP:
Also, he made out I’m a really fat individual whose head and body are one big circle.

DEFENCE:
You must admit you are somewhat rotund, Mr Bump.

MR BUMP:
I’ve put weight on due to the stress of Hargreaves’ book being published. I used to be a normal human figure, admittedly a little blue in colour but, as my weight spiralled out of control, it’s a cruel irony that I’ve become the spherical buffoon Mr Hargreaves made me out to be!

DEFENCE:
But your name?

MR BUMP:
An unfortunate coincidence, given my condition.

DEFENCE:
What about the bandages you’re wearing now?

MR BUMP:
His vision brought on my drug addiction hell. These bandages cover the scarring.

DEFENCE:
Are you sure you’re not using this as a cynical opportunity to market your own biography, ‘Down To Earth With A Bump’, a sombre, reimagining of the same events?

MR BUMP:
I resent the implication that my book, available in all good bookshops, is somehow at the centre of this legal matter. My version, I think you’ll find, covers all the events in much, much, *much* greater detail and is a more comprehensive journal of the events of that time.

DEFENCE:
Mr Hargreaves finishes his book with you in a favourable light, does he not? Did you not finish that time of your life working in Mr Barley’s orchard?

MR BUMP:
(UNSURE) I did.

DEFENCE:
And what did your job entail?

MR BUMP:
Picking apples from the trees.

DEFENCE:
And how did you pick them?

MR BUMP:
(QUIETLY) I bumped into trees until they fell down…

DEFENCE:
Again, Mr Bump, for the benefit of the jurors who may not have heard you.

MR BUMP:
(GRITTED TEETH) I bumped into trees until the apples fell down.

F/X:MURMURS OF UNREST IN THE PUBLIC GALLERY

DEFENCE:
(LOUDLY) I put it to you, Mr Bump, that events transpired *exactly* how Mr Hargreaves put them!

F/X:UPROAR IN WITNESS BOX

MR BUMP:
(SHOUTS) No! It’s not true!

DEFENCE:
Yes, Mr Bump, it is!

JUDGE:
Order! Order in the court! Mr Noisy – if I have to tell you *once* more, I will hold you in contempt!

DEFENCE:
You do not suffer from dyspraxia, a condition which didn’t even *exist* when the tome was authored thirty-seven years ago!

MR BUMP:
(QUIETLY) You’re twisting the facts…

DEFENCE:
Pardon, Mr Bump. Could you speak into the microphone please?

MR BUMP:
I said it’s not tr—

F/X:BANG OF HEAD ON MICROPHONE

MR BUMP:
Ow!

DEFENCE:
Are you okay, Mr Bump?

MR BUMP:
Yes, I—woah!

F/X:CHAIR SCRAPING BACKWARDS. MAN SLIPS AND FALLS OVER IN WITNESS BOX. A BUMP IS HEARD.

DEFENCE:
Mr Bump? Mr Bump?!

F/X:A GROAN IS HEARD FROM THE WITNESS BOX

DEFENCE:
No further questions, Your Honour.

END

I like this alot, very nicely played.

Great stuff. Always a pleasure to read your work. I enjoyed this very much as, I suspect, will many. It's always good to see examples of long sketches that are funny, engaging and never boring.

I loved the ending of this!

Just read through it again and found one small criticism. I think some of the FX pieces wouldn't translate that well.

Maybe get in touch with the Roger Hargreaves estate and see if they'll animate the piece for you. Then again, maybe not...

Nice one Dan :D

Very enjoyable and funny sketch!

Yes, I liked this too.

Very well-written and a good ending.

I'm fairly new here, but it's funniest thing I've read so far. I wouldn't change anything, but if I had written it, I might have included a witness; another Mr Man who just makes matters worse for Mr Bump. I can't remember any of them though. And you're right, this would only work on radio.

Notorious sex offender Mr Tickle?

Thanks everyone for the kind words.

It's a while since I've been in here, but the sketches I've read today are of quite high quality. Hey, I reckon we're getting better!

;)

Dan

Hi Dan

Just caught up with this and I thought it was very good too. It goes against some of the received wisdom around here inasmuch as it's not short but never does it drag.

The pace is steady with plenty of laughs and it reminded me of earlier times - seventies and eighties - when there wasn't a relentless charge for the big laugh and a piece was allowed to develop. I'm not saying it's dated btw.

Nice breath of fresh air and well done and a decent use of your 1000th post too.

Stout work!

Nicely written and funny, use of court-style dialogue works well.

Very funny, I love it.

Ironically, *bump*. :)

Anyway, just want to thank Sam & Dave (of eponymous The Sam & Dave Show) as they have recorded this sketch and now animated it too.

The audio recording is available here: http://www.myspace.com/samanddaveshow (third track down on the player)

I've seen the (early cut!) of the video and, as soon as they've cleared the legal implications(!), they'll post it on YouTube.

Cheers

Dan

That read like one of Mitchell and Webb's funnier sketches, really enjoyed it and glad to see someone took it up.

Yeah, congratulations Dan. Always liked this one.