Sitcom extract - feedback please!

Hello all,
If you've been following this sitcom, I take my hat off to you! Please have a look at scene 11-13 of Worth More Dead (earlier extracts a few days ago).

SCENE 11 EXT. LATE EVENING, BY RAY SAVAGE’S CAR.

DEREK CHECKS HIS MOBILE FOR MESSAGES. THERE ARE SEVERAL FROM KAREN, HIS WIFE. HE OPENS ONE THAT SAYS, ‘WHERE R U?’. HE REPLIES WITH ‘C U SOON. I LOVE U’. HE NOTICES HOW LOW THE BATTERY CHARGE IS AND THROWS THE PHONE INTO A NEARBY DUMPSTER.
HE OPENS THE DOOR OF THE CAR WITH THE KEYS HE TOOK BEFORE AND DRIVES OFF. AS HE DRIVES AWAY, ‘ACHY BREAKY HEART’ BY BILLY RAY CYRUS BLASTS OUT OF THE CASSETTE PLAYER. DEREK IS UNABLE TO TURN IT OFF.
CUT TO DEREK DRIVING THROUGH THE COUNTRYSIDE AS THE LIGHT BEGINS TO FADE. ‘A LITTLE BIT COUNTRY’ BY BONNIE TYLER AND SHAKIN’ STEVENS IS NOW PLAYING. HE STOPS THE CAR ON THE EDGE OF A FOREST, JUST OFF THE MAIN ROAD.
CUT TO DEREK PICKING UP A CASSETTE CASE ENTITLED, ‘LINE DANCING STOMPERS’, THEN PULLING THE ON/OFF BUTTON OFF THE CASSETTE PLAYER, SILENCING THE MUSIC. HE CLENCHES HIS FISTS TRIUMPHANTLY.
CUT TO DEREK FALLING ASLEEP IN THE BACK OF THE CAR.

SCENE 12: DAY. EXT. THE NEXT MORNING OUTSIDE BARKLEY’S DEPARTMENT STORE.
STILL DRESSED AS RAY, WITH BASEBALL CAP PULLED RIGHT DOWN, DEREK LOOKS AT A TEXT MESSAGE ON RAY’S PHONE. IT SAYS, ‘MESSAGE FROM BARKLEY’S BARRY: READ NOW?’ HE READS IT AND IT SAYS: DIDN’T C U AT LINE DANCING LAST NIGHT. QUE PASA?’ HE PUTS THE PHONE IN HIS POCKET AND ENTERS THE STORE.
AS HE FILLS UP HIS BASKET WITH ESSENTIAL FOODSTUFFS, HE IS APPROACHED BY A SECURITY GUARD – BARRY FROM RAY’S LIST OF CONTACTS, WHO IS JUST PUTTING HIS PHONE AWAY.
Barry
Ray, is that you Ray?

DEREK LOOKS EMBARRASSED AND TRIES TO TURN HIS BACK AND PUT SOME BANANAS IN HIS BASKET.

Barry:
Ere, you’re not going back to petty crime again are ya –there’s cameras everywhere..
DEREK TURNS AND MAKES FALTERING EYE CONTACT

Derek:
Hmmm.
Barry:
So what happened at line dancing last night? That randy housewife with the white boots was there..
DEREK ADOPTS THE HIGH VOICE THAT HE RECALLS RAY HAVING.

Derek:
Er. Hi.
Barry:
You feeling orright, Ray – you look like you slept in your shitty car last night.
Derek:
No –that’s a ridiculous idea!
HE DROPS THE HIGH VOICE FOR A MOMENT

Derek:
Barry from Barkley’s.
Barry:
You are behaving strangely..Tell you what, I’m on me break in 5 – why don’t you come for a hot chocolate in my hideyhole –we’ll have a chat –
Derek:
NO!
BARRY LOOKS CONFUSED
DEREK RESUMES THE HIGH VOICE.
Derek:
I mean, I will.
DEREK LOOKS FOR THE EXITS

Barry:
I’ll wait on the other side of the checkout until you’ve paid, eh. You are paying, aren’t you..
CUT TO DEREK PACKING HIS ITEMS INTO 3 CARRIER BAGS WHILE BARRY IS FINISHING OFF A BAWDY JOKE.

Barry:
So she says, ‘I’ve had a lot of fishy things in my mouth in my time but this takes the biscuit’ Hahahahahaha. I knew you’d like it, Ray.
DEREK FAKES A HIGH PITCHED LAUGH. ALL THE TIME HE IS EYING THE EXITS.

Derek:
That’s another cracker, Barry – you are a man of much mirth.
Barry:
’Ere you been reading a dictionary instead of line dancing class – I worry about you..
DEREK MAKES A BOLT FOR THE DOOR BUT RUNS INTO A TROLLEY AND FALLS ONTO THE ATTRACTIVE WOMAN FROM THE BANK YESTERDAY, ENDING UP ON TOP OF HER.

Derek (still in high pitched voice):
I’m so sorry, I –
Woman:
Get-off-me-
Derek(now in his real voice):
You look familiar, aren’t you..
Woman:
Are you disguising your voice so I don’t think you’re the sex pest from the bank?
Derek:
Not at all, it’s just that
Woman:
Help!
DEREK IS APPREHENDED BY A CONCERNED LOOKING BARRY WHO USHERS HIM TO HIS OFFICE.

FADE TO BLACK.

SCENE 13. INT DAY, BARRY’S HIDEYHOLE
DEREK IS POURING HIS HEART OUT TO BARRY.
Derek (keeping up his high voice):
I’m sorry, I’ve just been under a lot of pressure lately. You know I love me line dancing-
AS HE’S TALKING, ‘ACHY BREAKY HEART’ COMES ON THE RADIO. BARRY TURNS IT UP AND LEAPS TO HIS FEET.

Barry:
Oh, Ray, this is yer favourite! Come on, you told me you had all the moves worked out – I’ve been practising meself. Come on!
BARRY PLACES HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS AND STARTS MAKING AS IF TO LINE DANCE, ALL THE TIME GRABBING DEREK UP.

Derek:
And I hurt my hips – that was another thing –
BARRY ADOPTS A THREATENING TONE
Barry:
Dance Ray!!
Derek:
Yihaaaaah!
DEREK PUTS HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS AND STARTS KICKING HIS FEET OUT UNCONVINCINGLY.
Barry:
You look like Zorba the soddin’ Greek – what’s the matter with ya?
Derek:
It’s Billy Ray Cyprus! Hang on, I’m just getting warmed up –
DEREK MOVES HIS HEAD FROM SIDE TO SIDE AND WAGGLES HIS KNEES, HIS HANDS STILL ON HIS HIPS.

Barry:
Now you look like Tina Turner, yer big dickhead. What’s wrong with yer?
DEREK ACCIDENTALLY DROPS THE HIGH VOICE

Derek:
It’s you, you’re putting me off with your anger, line dancing must be rubbish if you’re always like this –

BARRY STOPS DEAD IN HIS TRACKS AND TURNS THE MUSIC OFF. DEREK CONTINUES HIS LUDICROUS DANCE AS BARRY APPROACHES HIM SLOWLY. GRADUALLY DEREK STOPS DANCING PUT KEEPS HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS. HE GOES BACK TO THE HIGH VOICE.

Derek:
I was listening to that.

Barry:
You’re not Ray, are ya?
BARRY PULLS DEREK’S BASEBALL CAP OFF AND SQUEEZES HIS CHEEKS.

Derek
No. (in his high voice). I mean, no (real voice).
Barry
I think we’d better have a hot chocolate and a chin wag.
FADE TO BLACK.

ummm... :) I'll be honest I'd revise this section the section in the car where you list songs is all well and good but thats assuming you'll get clearance to use them what if you can't will the gag work as well?
The question I have is why is he shopping? now if he had to fill the car up and the garage was one of those mini tesco things understandable but I'm not sure it seems to "real" just going shopping after seeing someone die and taking their life lol. I think a little dialogue trimming and it'll flow alot nicer

Yourr doing really well on this project matey keep at it nothings perfect on first draft :D good work so far

You're right, Gavin - I need a reason why Derek needs to go back to the department store. Once I've got him there, see, he's trapped in hiding with the security guard. It's important for sitcom characters to be trapped in a situation from which they are always trying extricate themselves.
Good feedback -I'll take it on board!

I'm feeling a bit guilty for not catching up with 'Worth Dead' sooner. It does move along but it doesn't really do too much else. I agree with much of what Gavin wrote. Also Barry is a good enough character but he doesn't really move much past a cliché but I feel with enough attention to detail you can get much, much more out of him. Perhaps he can even end up being a good foil for Derek. This is not badly written although I don't feel you've written enough com into the sitcom, if you understand what I mean. The only other thing I would say at this satge is to ask for a double space layout.