Re-wrote this sketch several times, not sure if it's just me unable to write well or not. Can you please let me know what you think

FIREMAN

Fire Chief is standing beside a desk, giving a presentation to some of the local fire crew at the station.

CHIEF:
Right guys, as you know we gave you such a good pay rise this year that we have very little money left to upgrade equipment. So here is a look at the equipment we’ll be buying from this year’s budget. We’re going to move to a more cost and water efficient method of attacking fires.

The Chief reaches down and picks up a washing up liquid bottle and turns back to the team.

CHIEF (CONTD):
20p each, has a 1 litre payload, and can fire a jet of water up to 10 feet. Don’t know why we didn’t do this year’s ago.

He tosses the bottle to a startled fireman and goes back to the table picking up a kids yellow plastic fire hat

CHIEF (CONTD):
Rather than letting these kids fire hats go to waste, they’ll become standard issue. The fire engines away now, and has been replaced by a 2nd hand red transit van. This should save a fortune on the diesel, and since it doesn’t take up much room, we’ll be able to get in much closer to the fires.

The chief passes the hat to another fireman and picks up another washing up liquid bottle.

CHIEF (CONTD):
And that’s where these squeegee bottles will be at their best.

________

The plan would be to have a follow up sketch with the fireman using their new equipment in a real life situation.

Thanks

Ross

Very good nice pacing. Looking foward to part to bunch of firemen bundling out of a Red transit LOL good work Fella!!

Hi Rosco,

I liked the idea but for me the dialogue didn't flow and felt a bit sticky in the longer speeches.

But a good idea and sketch and (IMO) just needs a few tweaks to polish it.

Thanks folks

Nice idea. But for me there's too much exposition in the opening text - e.g. "as you know, etc" - and the dialogue is too wordy overall. And I'm not sure why you didn't write and include the end bit - I don't see it as a separate quickie sketch, more the proper pay-off that the build up deserves. After the firemen looking confused in the station you could do a quick CUT TO them using the crap equipment on site.
If you wanted to go back to a later quickie or two they could be at different scenes, e.g. trying to get the classic kitten out of the tree using some B&Q steps, etc