I had this idea for a sketch, thought it was funny but now I'm not sure if I was right or not. Any suggestions? (I know it's longer than some of you would like.)

INT: PUB. - NIGHT

FX:GENERAL PUB BACKGROUND NOISE

JIM IS SITTING AT A TABLE WITH TWO PINT GLASSES. THE ONE IN FRONT OF HIM IS HALF FULL; THE OTHER HAS NOT BEEN TOUCHED. STEVE ENTERS AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO JIM.

JIM
Where the hell have you been? I’ve been sat here….
STEVE
Oooo…. Wasn’t gonna tell you. Wanted it to be a surprise. But what the hell. Gotta tell someone.
JIM
Then bloody get on with it. It’s your round.
STEVE
I’ve been pitching a Game Show idea to a TV company.
JIM
You what?
STEVE
And, they loved it.
JIM
You’ve been.... Hang on.... Hang on... Is it 'Celebrity Racist?' Or 'I’m Eighteen With Big Boobs So Dress Me In A Bikini And Stick Me On An Island'?...... I’d watch that.
STEVE
Who Wants To Be A Poker Faced Celebrity Millionaire?

JIM LOOKS BLANK.

STEVE
It’s based on the premise that the really big audiences tune in at times of greatest anticipation. Basically, if they think someone’s going to win. And win big.
JIM
Right. Love it. And mine’s a pint a Speckled Hen.
STEVE
In a sec. I’m on a roll.
JIM
Go on then. Get it off your chest.
STEVE
Take four nobody contestants. They all wanna be rich right?

JIM
Who doesn’t wanna be rich?
STEVE
So, they’re head to head and the host asks them a question. It’s got four possible answers A to D.
JIM
I’m with you.
STEVE
Fastest person to get it right, wins a guaranteed hundred thousand pounds.

JIM LETS OUT A WHISTLE.

STEVE
So we’re down to three contestants. None of them know how anyone did, apart from themselves. So it becomes a bluffing game.

DAN
Like poker...
STEVE
Exactly. So they have to say, based on their answer to the previous question, and the answers given by the other contestants...
JIM
That they don’t know...
STEVE
You’re getting’ it... So, they have to judge how far they’ll progress in the game. Then they have thirty seconds to press one of two secret buttons, indicating that they want to go through to the next round, or they want out. But, and here’s the catch, the longer they leave it to make their decision, the more time they have for the next round. So they’re all waiting to see if the person they think is the cleverest chips in, ‘cause if they do...
JIM
You want out. You don’t want to pitch yourself against the cleverest guy there...
STEVE
Exactly. But there’s only two places in the next round. And so the computer picks either the first person to say that they wanted out, or, if nobody did....
JIM
Cocky little sods....
STEVE
The last person to press any button. And that person leaves with a guaranteed hundred thousand pounds.

JIM WHISTLES AGAIN.

STEVE
So, we’re down to two.
JIM
With you so far.
STEVE
So there’s two contestants, and two red boxes on a table in front of them. In one box is a pass to the next round... The person who was fastest in the last round gets to pick a box; the other one automatically goes to the other guy. In one of the boxes is a place in the next round....
JIM
And in the other one?
STEVE
The person who opens the other box… Gets a guaranteed hundred thousand pounds.

JIM WHISTLES AGAIN.

JIM
This is great.

STEVE
So now, it’s the final. We’re down to the last contestant. They have to answer one simple question. The answer is either A or B.
JIM
It all rests on this one question?
STEVE
One question with two possible answers.
JIM
Tricky.
STEVE
But, in order to help them, the audience is asked the same question and their most popular response is shown to the contestant before they have to answer.
JIM
But can you trust the audience. You don’t know anything about them.
STEVE
O but you do. Because the audience is made up entirely of celebrity millionaires.

JIM
No way. All celebrity millionaires. Brilliant.... WAGs?
STEVE
All celebrity... WAGs, hags and.... slags. Anybody and everybody.
JIM
Noel?
STEVE
Both Noel’s probably….. Prince Edward.
JIM
So you know these people…
STEVE
You know if they’re the sort of people who will know the answer.
JIM
I’m lovin’ it.
STEVE
So all this contestant has to do is answer the question correctly...
JIM
With or without the help of the celebrity audience....
STEVE
For a guaranteed one hundred thousand pounds.

JIM WHISTLES AGAIN.

STEVE
What do you think?
JIM
To be honest. I don’t know.... Sounds too complicated. I mean, it’s like a combination of all of the toughest shows... Nobody’s ever going to win....

A PAUSE

JIM
I get it. That’s the idea isn’t it. Nobody ever wins.
STEVE
No, no. That’s absolutely not the idea at all.
JIM
Then I don’t get it. Maybe I’m not your target audience.
STEVE
On the contrary. I’d say you were exactly the target audience.

Hi Steve

This confused me and I couldn't really follow the quiz rules (despite reading it twice) and as I was trying to wrestle with that I couldn't really get much in the way of humour.

When the pay off came I felt like a dope who didn't understand the joke; just like Alice at the end of The Vicar of Dibley credits.

Mind you it just could be because I am thick as two short planks.

Sorry not to be more helpful.

B

Sorry, but it kinda went on a bit. Perhaps it could work better if the sketch was a pitch to a production company.

Ooooooooooh way too long without any laughs. Sorry.

Thanks for taking the time to read it guys!

It's well written, I think but would only really work in the right context. I imagine it as one of many sketches involving two characters who are built up gradually, or as a scene in a sitcom. Don't bin it, Steve!

Hi Steve

You're right: I think it's too long. I like the premise but think you could do it better and increase the pace again. I agree with what Blenkinsop says about feeling like you're not getting the joke at the end.

Dan