Hello there; the last sketch I put up (the interview one where she shoots someone at the end)seemed to divide opinion, so lets see what you make of this one! All comments gratefully recieved.
MR MANTIS
INT. OFFICE-DAY
A woman approaches a mans desk.
WOMAN
Jim.
JIM
Ah, hello.
WOMAN
I still haven’t got that report from you.
JIM
I know, I know.
WOMAN
You said you’d have it on my desk by lunch time; it’s three o’clock.
JIM
I know what I said.
WOMAN
Well?
JIM
Well I would have had it done on time, if it weren’t for this.
He lifts up his hands; two bloody stumps, covered in bandages.
JIM
It’s a bit hard to type when some bastards bitten off all your fingers.
WOMAN
Who bit your fingers off?
JIM
Who’d you think? That big sodding preying mantis over there!
We see seated a few desks along a man sized preying mantis in shirt and tie, this is MR MANTIS.
MANTIS
Come on, I apologised for that Jim.
WOMAN
Why did you bite his fingers off?
MANTIS
Well, you know, I was peckish and the vending machine was out of Twix’s; what am I supposed to do?
JIM
Have some crisps you massive insect turd!
WOMAN
Mr Mantis, we’ve told you again and again about this sort of behaviour.
MANTIS
(SIGHS)
I know . . .
WOMAN
It just is not acceptable to eat part of your co-workers.
MANTIS
Its only his fingers, I’ll buy you a pint on Friday Jim, yeah? No hard feelings mate.
JIM
Look, we are not prepared to share office space any longer with that big green turd.
MANTIS
Oh come on, your blowing this out of all proportion!
JIM
You chewed off Marys ear last week!
We see Mary, her head swathed in bandages.
MANTIS
Shes got two hasn’t she? Whats the problem?
JIM
What about Davids buttock? He has to wear a fake one now otherwise he sits on the wonk.
David shifts in his chair self consciously.
MANTIS
How many times do I have to apologise about Davids sodding arse cheek?
JIM
And what about Tony?
We cut to Tony, now just a head and a torso perched on a chair.
TONY
I had so very many shoes. So very, very many you know.
MANTIS
I think youre being very petty.
WOMAN
Look, lets all just calm down. Mr Mantis may eat parts of you from time to time, but hes a damn good graphic designer and a vital member of the team.
MANTIS
Thank you.
WOMAN
Lets all give him one last chance.
MANTIS
All I’m asking for.
Everyone grumbles an Ok.
TONY
I just sit in front of them all now, breathing in the leather, tasting the moccasin.
WOMAN
Great, now lets all get back down to-
She yelps suddenly, and looks down at a bloody stump where her arm used to be. We turn to Mr MANTIS, sat at his desk, his mandibles nibbling at the arm.
MANTIS
(BEAT)
What?
THE END