Folks I would appreciate it if you could take the time to read through the first couple of scenes in a sit-com I'm writing, and let me know what you think.

It's based on 4 guys that go to a small role playing club. They've been going to the club since they were kids, and now at 24-25 years old, they're life still revolves around the club.

Thanks for your help.

SCENE 1.INT.WARGAMING CLUB – NIGHT (19:00)

FADE IN

Tuesday evening at the Club. It’s the dinner hall in a local high school. They rent the room for a small fee which goes to the school funds. The hall is too large for the number of people that go to the club.

Sitting around the table are Brian, John, Ross, Sparra, Derek. Camera is in tight. The scene starts as if they are assassins discussing their kills.

BRIAN:
Right guys, are we all in for this? I’ve talked to all the others, and if you’re all in, we’ve 10 in total.

General agreement with aye’s, yes’s, and a couple of if we must.

BRIAN:
Ok, tomorrow we’ll all get our targets. Once their dealt with, the trail should lead you to the next target. And so on until there only one of us left.

Again general agreement

BRIAN:
Ok, usual rules, weapons will only be water pistols. The club, the pub, and work are out of bounds. Other than that, there are no rules.

The camera pans out to reveal they’re sitting around a table in a small war-gaming club. Dice, dungeons and dragons gaming books etc are littered across the table. These guys are geeks.

ROSS:
Sparra, this time there’s no setting up a contract. You do the job yourself, and don’t try bribing George’s mum with flowers again.

SPARRA:
No problem, she thought I fancied her. Nearly had me in the bedroom by the time George came home

ROSS:
She’s not an attractive woman. I can understand your fear.

Sparra leans back looking at the sky with a pained expression on his face

DEREK:
You guys still coming to my wedding?

BRIAN:
Are you still marrying her?

DEREK:
Of course, I love her. Oh and her father has a rather large double barrel shotgun.

ROSS:
You’ve legs. Not great ones admittedly, but you could run

DEREK:
And be hunted for the rest of my life? This way I survive, and we’ll wait and see where life takes me

JOHN:
Well best of luck anyway. We’ll all be there supporting you.

ROSS:
Just wait till the kids born. Bet it’s got ginger hair.

DEREK:
Nobody in our family’s ginger

ROSS:
Exactly

DEREK (ANNOYED):
Arsehole

JOHN:
Just ignore him; we’ll be there to support you

DEREK:
Thanks, I need all the support I can get. I’m nervous as hell.

ROSS:
You made your bed; didn’t have a problem lying in it though did you?

SPARRA:
You’re pulling out some piss poor jokes today

ROSS:
Fair point. Whose all going down to the pub? Can anyone give me a lift?

The guys start to pack up and get their coats.

The janitor enters, looks about all the tables with an ‘I’m fed up and want to go home’ type of look.

JANNY:
Right, you guys no f**ked off home yet? I want you out of here now. Pick up yer stuff geeks and get out.

ROSS:
Were going, were going

JANNY:
Less of yer lip boy. It’s, 9:00 and 35 seconds. That door should have been locked 35 seconds ago.

ROSS:
Prison service you were in, were you?

JANNY:
Security, a fine career for a man. Protecting people like you from evil.

SPARRA:
I heard you did security for a local factory. Hardly saving the world is it?

JANNY:
There’s evil in all different shapes and sizes. Take you lot and your daft Role Playing Games. Summoning demons, fighting dragons, that way leads to violence. I won’t be surprised if you guys end up in jail on some kind of criminal offence.

JOHN:
I can just see myself now. Eight stone weakling, blind as a bat, and as agile as a brick. Not going to have much of a successful career in crime with those traits, am I?

JANNY:
Like I said; all shapes and sizes, all shapes and sizes. 9:02 and 40 seconds, you lot are trying my patience.

The guys all grab their stuff and leave.

FADE OUT

SCENE 2. INT. HENRY’S BAR – NIGHT (21:40)

FADE IN

Sitting around the table are Brian, John, Ross, Sparra, Ross and Sparra are drinking pints. John is on blue label vodka and coke. Brians on the soft drinks.

Henry’s bar is a busy pub with music in the background

SPARRA:
How sad is the Janny, 40 years in a factory for 2 quid an hour. What a waste.

ROSS:
Sparra, 10 years as a student, you’re a quarter of the way already.

SPARRA:
Yes but he didn’t use his mind. He probably sat in a room all day dreaming of booze and women.

ROSS:
Sparra, you’re a student for gods sake.

BRIAN:
Ross, please remember you’re a student

ROSS:
Yeah but I worked before going back to college. 5 years in the shipyards earns me the right to go back to education.

BRIAN:
Maybe if you got an education at school, you could have had a good job by now. You could be a decent person like me who doesn’t scrounge from the tax payers.

ROSS:
Take a look at you car outside Brian. Decent people pay their road tax.

Brian looks down to the table embarrassed.

JOHN:
Are you still seeing that girl Brian? How’s it going?

Brian continues to look at the table getting visibly more embarrassed

BRIAN:
Not great

JOHN:
What happened on your date?

BRIAN (MUMBLING):
Met her ex boyfriend

SPARRA:
You mean Gary

BRIAN:
Yes, Gary the wee shit. She ended up drunk, snogging him in the dancing.

JOHN:
No. What a tart

SPARRA:
You lost a girl to Gary. He’s the weediest guy I know. How the hell did you manage that?

BRIAN:
Don’t know

SPARRA:
Never mind, that’s a more successful date than Ross has ever had. At least your chick turned up. Last time Ross had a date, he was stood up and he hung about the meeting place for 2 hours in a vain hope she’d turn up.

ROSS:
Pish, I was eying up the talent that was wandering around. Stalking my prey like a lion would.

BRIAN:
No Ross, you were stalking prey like a pervert

ROSS:
Give us some peace George.

The group go Silent for a few seconds

ROSS:
What’s Derek doing marrying that bird anyway

SPARRA:
Good change of subject there

ROSS:
Thank you, now please answer the question

JOHN:
She’s pregnant, what could he do

ROSS:
Like I said earlier, he could run.

BRIAN:
Ethics. He has some, you don’t. End of story.

ROSS:
Well guys, it’s time to hit the road.

Ross puts on his jacket and leaves the bar.

FADE OUT

To be blunt, there is alot of writing there that just isnt needed. We only need to know what we're seeing its a bit to novelish (for want of better word). you've also got camera directions in there unless your directing it don't put those in because it's not your job thats the directors
dialogue needs to be sharpened up to let it flow more but its good start keep going with it

Thanks for the response. I'll put my thinking cap on and will work on it over the next few days.

I thought that the basic idea was quite good but I would wonder if the 'sit' of the sitcom could be sustained over a protracted period of time (6 episodes). The friends would, I believe, need to broaden their general outlook and surroundings.

I agree with Gavin that there needs to be a bit of tightening up of the flow of the dialogue. It seemed to drift and meander a bit here and there and I had to go back and re-read certain sections to get back on track.

Hope this helps and I think you should continue with the idea but be a bit harder on yourself in terms of editing and cutting.

Cheers B

I'm not sure many people would get the joke that they're talking about wargaming when the camera pulls out (a bit obscure), and if it's called 'gaming' then the first joke is half blown. The dialogue is nice and sharp, but nothing happens; let's see some action. And the second gag is about how unattractive a woman is. If you're just being true to your characters then it's not funny, it's depressing. The dialogue is very good, work to a funny outline and you'll have something. Or write a drama.
Four wargaming nerds: maybe they could (think they) have secret powers.

The Something-tastic Four.

A really good go at nice gentle/witty dialogue but if I'm being honest here, it really wasn't going anywhere which was a shame really. What it needed were lines that sparkled but sadly there were none. On the plus side, and assuming this is an early draft, you have nothing to worry about which is good. The way I see it, every idea deserves a chance and 'Gaming' is no different.

Guys, thanks very much for the constructive feedback. I will continue to work on this project and let you know how I get on.

Hi Rosco

The dialogue seems to 'real-life' and needs to be cut a lot and more straight to the point. It's a bit 'mates in the pub' rather than sitcom.

Agree with Baumski about it not seeming to go anywhere which is a shame. You need to have a plot and a potential subplot set up in the first scene really (subplot could wait until scene two). I assume your plot is the wedding, but it still seems a long way off. Could this be his stag do? That would be quite unusual and you'd know the wedding is imminent.

A few things:

(1) Characters all the same age. I think if you're going for the sad, lonely gaming nerds you need one that's much older than the rest. Then at least he can hand down his sage advice to the younger ones.

(2) Make only one of them a student. Students annoy people. They annoy me and I've not long stopped being one! Perhaps make one of them have a similar job to the wargaming ie. pest control, so he spends all days chasing cockroaches and spraying them with pesticide from a massive gun and then comes here and chases people dressed as cockroaches spraying them with water from a massive gun.

(3) If you're going down the wargaming route, make them dress up for meetings in all the war gear. This would probably work quite well for the initial joke you're trying but not quite pulling off. The security guard saying 'Protecting people from evil' should be followed by a shot of at least one of them looking evil (trident, horns, gas fire/some sort of flames in background behind them).

(4) If they are proper nerds and you're taking it to the limit, Derek's bride needs to be ordered in from Russia/Thailand/off the back of a lorry kind of thing. Play the situation up as much as you can.

(5) A lot of your swearing is unnecessary. You could cut it out and not lose anything.

(6) Stalking like a lion/pervert is very funny!

(7) This bit:

SPARRA:
You lost a girl to Gary. He’s the weediest guy I know. How the hell did you manage that?

BRIAN:
Don’t know

is a massive cop-out for a comedy writer! That is a prime line waiting for a one-liner from Brian (or someone else) and you've given up! Need to work on this aspect methinks.

(8) End of last scene needs to finish on a funny. In general end your scenes on a laugh. It's a bit weak there.

Hope all this helps

Dan

Dan

Fanstatic feedback thanks.

The plot off the episode was going to be the game off Killer leading up to a finale at the wedding when John and the Groom are the only ones left. The last scene would be John charging down the aisle, waterpistol in hand.

I also thought about transfering them to a fantasy world for 1 scene each episode that would mirror what was happening in the plot. In hese scenes, they would be weedy guys dressed in oversized suits of armour or wizards outfits (Complete with pointy hats).

Thank you also for the ideas you suggested.

Regards

Ross