Quote: Oldrocker @ October 4 2011, 12:00 AM BST

Yeah, right.

Up there with 'block her passage or toss myself off'

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Max Miller! Yay!

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ January 21 2008, 5:51 PM BST

I'm on a whiskey diet, I've lost three days already.

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Wasn't this a Dean Martin joke, sure I saw him do it on one of those old Rat Pack TV specials.

Quote: Agnes Guano @ October 4 2011, 10:16 PM BST

Max Miller! Yay!

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At the risk of going off topic, I'm in the camp that says Max never said that line. Too obvious and not 'cheeky' enough. http://www.thestage.co.uk/features/feature.php/7373/beyond-a-joke-max-miller

A genuine TC gag.
Me and the wife decided to clean out the attic today,
Dirty dusty thing - but she's good with the kids

Tommy Cooper's best joke was his last.
Dying on stage.

Pure genius.

Does a cat wash its face, or does it wash its feet and dry them on its face?

On the subject of Max, he would occasionally turn all romanitc and poetic; as in

'I love the girls who do,
I love the girls who don't.
I hate the girls who say they will
And then they say they won't.
But the kind of girls that I love best,
And I think you'll say I'm right,
Are the kind of girls who say they won't
But look as though they might'

To quote the man hmself-
'Miller's the name - there'll never be another'
He was right.

Quote: Don Kiddle @ October 5 2011, 9:50 PM BST

On the subject of Max, he would occasionally
turn all romanitc and poetic; as in

'I love the girls who do,
I love the girls who don't.
I hate the girls who say they will
And then they say they won't.
But the kind of girls that I love best,
And I think you'll say I'm right,
Are the kind of girls who say they won't
But look as though they might'

To quote the man hmself-
'Miller's the name - there'll never be another'
He was right.

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I absolutely love that but the thing that makes it is that he doesn't say 'might'. Instead he goes off into ' 'ere, listen . . . . '

Fantastic. Such a shame that there's so little of his work recorded. A forgotten genius.

Here's a couple of my favourite Tommy Cooper jokes:

I said Doctor I've broken my arm in many places. He said, 'stop going to those places.'

I back a horse 20 to 1. It came in 20 past 4.

A monkey and a hyena are walking through the jungle when they are set upon by a lion. The monkey runs up the tree and watches the lion and the hyena fight. They continue for ages and the hyena finally wins and the lion runs off. The monkey comes down from the tree and the hyena says 'why didn't you help me?' The monkey said; 'you were laughing so much I thought you was winning'.

A classic comedian with some very stupid but, very funny jokes/routines.

Quote: Don Kiddle @ October 5 2011, 9:50 PM BST

On the subject of Max, he would occasionally turn all romanitc and poetic; as in

'I love the girls who do,
I love the girls who don't.
I hate the girls who say they will
And then they say they won't.
But the kind of girls that I love best,
And I think you'll say I'm right,
Are the kind of girls who say they won't
But look as though they might'

To quote the man hmself-
'Miller's the name - there'll never be another'
He was right.

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So that's where Racey stole it from!

"I absolutely love that but the thing that makes it is that he doesn't say 'might'. Instead he goes off into ' 'ere, listen . . . . ' "
Sorry, haven't worked out how to quote from other posts yet but the above was posted by 'Oldrocker' who is dead right - that was exactly how Max finished the ditty but I didn't put it in because I didn't think it would work on the page.

Part of Max's genius was that he let the audience use their imagination which made most of his jokes much more risque than they seemed on paper. Presumably he had an ear open for the censor who was much stricter then than we're used to today.

A genuine Tommy Cooper joke that's a bit wordy by Tommy's standards:

I was a teacher at this public school, see. Teaching Religious Education I was, so I asked the class 'Who knocked down the walls of Jericho? Nobody answered so I asked again and they still kept quiet. So I picked out a kid. I said, 'Fortescue, who knocked down the walls of Jericho?' 'It wasn't me sir' he said. So I said, 'Now come on Fortescue, simple quesion, who knocked down the walls. 'I told you it wasn't me sir and even if I knew who did it I wouldn't tell you'
I was so shocked I told the Headmaster about it. He said 'Young Fortescue, eh? Knew his father. Sound fellow from good County stock. Listen, if young Fortescue said he didn't do, he definitely didn't do it.'

Quote: Don Kiddle @ October 6 2011, 6:56 PM BST

Part of Max's genius was that he let the audience use their imagination which made most of his jokes much more risque than they seemed on paper. Presumably he had an ear open for the censor who was much stricter then than we're used to today.

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Use the 'quote' button bottom right Don. You can then edit out the words you don't want but make sure you leave the [] [/] bits in.

'Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen her little lamb
But I've never seen her . no, now, Lady, listen . . .'

I cut the bottom of my trousers in the library-that's a turn up for the books.

I was waiting in my car and bloke said: "can you give me a lift?"

"Sure-you look great, the world's your oyster"

Another alleged Max Miller ditty, which I can hardly believe
because it's just so risque, even by Max's standards:

When roses are red
They're ready for plucking,
When girls are sixteen
They're ready for...'ere Mrs

Max was also supposed to have done an eye test joke with a punch
line something like;
'I can't understand what's wrong - everytime I see F you see K.'