F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to APlate for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst..
3 - APlate
1 - Otterfox
Next topic: Pushing (chosen by Gappy)
Leg closed: 9.8.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 3 - APlate
2 - 1 - Otterfox
THE ITALIAN YOB
STUDIO.
PRESENTER and COOK.
PRESENTER Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and you, and welcome to this morning's 'Egg on Your Breath', a kind of 'MasterChef' without the f**king swearing. My guessed this evening is Signor Fagiolo, all the way from Italy, but this is Zoom so he might as well be in the next room for all the effort he's made. Herr Fagiolo, good afternoon.
COOK Si.
PRESENTER Now you're known all over Naples, Rome and Stoke - like Gordon Ramsay, without any more f**king swearing.
COOK Is correct.
PRESENTER And the Italians are famous for being laid-back, relaxed, easy-going...
COOK Oh for surely, yes. Eat, drink and be sexy: tomorrow you pop yer cork.
PRESENTER So I have here the recipe for one of the Beautiful C**ty's finest dishes, carbonara.
COOK I think you are meaning 'cabonara'.
PRESENTER Good: and it's pasta with scrambled eggs, cream, bacon...
COOK Is NOT bacon! Ooooh, you are disgusting for me! You Brits make me SICK. Is guanciale, a Tuscan salt-based product prepared from pork jowl or cheeks, its rendered fat enlivening, enflavouring and thickening pasta sauce, rubbed with salt and finely ground black pepper with optional further spices, herb, pepperoncino, red peppers or garlic, cured for three weeks, one day and approximately sixty-nine billiseconds until it loses 33.9528753% of its original weight so as to taste tangier, twinginger and tastier than pork products, such as pancetta, with more delicate texture, for the fat melts away during the act of boiling.
PRESENTER Well, bacon, guanciale, it doesn't make any difference...
COOK (glares at him) I think you'll find it does.
PRESENTER Ok... And then you add parmesan...
COOK (gets up) Stop it, you fiend! Parmesan, he says. Bleedin' PARMESAN - might as well have 'F**k the world' plastered across his forehead. I mean, no wonder we're in such a state. Is NOT parmesan: is pecorino, an Umbrian hard cheese produced from sheep's milk, traditionally ultra-aged, produced in Sardinia and distributed from Genoa, the main variety being of course pecorino sardo, whose production zone embraces Latium and the Tuscan provinces of Grosseto and Siena, as documented by Pliny the even Elder, the texture depending on the period of ageing, with more matured cheeses - stagionato, literally 'seasoned' or 'aged' - remaining harder but still crumbly in texture due to their decidedly buttery, nutty flavours, while semi-stagionato or fresco enjoy a softer touch with a milder cream or milk after-taste.
PRESENTER Same thing, innit?
COOK As the choirboy said to the priest, I shall not rise to that.
PRESENTER I think you just did.
COOK Ah, shut your pasta-hole, Oscar Wilde.
PRESENTER And it is of course served with house wine.
COOK That does it. I can't believe I'm hearing this. You're deliberately pushing, pulling off and provokating me, you filthy, dirty, useless, ignorant, uncultured, ineducated, uneducated, miseducated swine...
PRESENTER Uneducated?!
COOK As any tart know, carbonara MUST be served with vino cotto, literalfulness 'cooked wine', from the Marche and Abruzzo regions of Italia centrale, the must hand-plucked from a wide range of local grappa, heated in a copper vessel of precisely thirteen metres in depth, reduced in volume by up to sixteen point 3865308533 recurring before fermenting in antique wooden barrels before ageing for eighty six months as specified by the fascisti.
PRESENTER Surely any wine is okay.
COOK Ah, stick to yer fish and chips.
PRESENTER Well, grazie Signor Fagiolo.
COOK (looks at him)
PRESENTER And further news just in, thirteen innocent people have been murdered.
COOK (shrugs)
LEO: It's no good, Brian. The car just won't start.
BRIAN: Perhaps you should try using the key, and doing something with the clutch, and all that stuff? Rather than just sitting there?
LEO: Ah! Good idea. I thought these new-fangled electric cars were supposed to do it all themselves, but perhaps not.
BRIAN: It's not an electric car anyway, Leo. It's a clapped out old banger you've had for over twenty years, remember?
LEO: Ah! Here we go, then. (PUTS KEY IN AND TURNS IT. CAR JUST MAKES A SPLUTTERING SOUND)
BRIAN: Any joy, Leo?
LEO: No. Spluttering from the motor car is the only outcome. We should try pushing it. On the count of three, then... One, two...
BRIAN: Hang on, Leo. We're both still sat in the car. Shouldn't at least one of us be outside? Behind it? In order to push it? I mean, call me old fashioned, but...
LEO: Ah! Yes, that might just work, Brian. Right, get out... Ha! Ha! Get out of my damn car! No, I don't mean it in a bad way. But, seriously, get the f**k out of my car.
BRIAN GETS OUT THE CAR AND GOES TO THE BACK
LEO: Right. On the count of three, then... One, two...
BRIAN COMES OVER AND TAPS ON WINDSCREEN
BRIAN: Did you say something, Leo? I couldn't hear you, on account of me being outside.
LEO: (laughs) Ah! Right you are. On the count of three, Brian, commence pushing the vehicle.
BRIAN: Hang on, give me a second. (RUNS TO BACK OF CAR AND STARTS PUSHING)
LEO: What's that silly sod doing now? I haven't even started counting yet!
LEO GETS OUT THE CAR AND JOINS BRIAN
THEY BOTH PUSH THE CAR. BRIAN IS MAKING A LOT OF EFFORT, WHEREAS LEO IS MAINLY JUST LAUGHING
THE CAR EVENTUALLY STARTS MOVING FORWARD SLOWLY
BRIAN: Incredible! It's moving! Leo, quick, get back in the car and I'll keep pushing.
LEO JUST STANDS THERE LAUGHING
THE NOISE OF A SIREN IS GRADUALLY GETTING LOUDER
LEO GETS SOMETHING FROM THE BACK SEAT
A POLICE CAR PULLS UP
BRIAN: It wasn't the fastest getaway in the world, was it?
LEO IS SEEN RUNNING INTO THE DISTANCE CARRYING A HOLDALL. AND LAUGHING
BOB:I mean, the unit is absolutely beautiful, but how will it stay in place above the oven?
CAROL:With this clever little joist right here. All I need to do it attach it, and we can install. Hand me a nail, please.
BOB:You mean a short one?
CAROL:No, a long one ideally. About 3 inches.
BOB:I thought you'd say that. I can only see short ones.
CAROL: Pity. Never mind.
GEES:[VOICE LIKE CURTIS MAYFIELD] Sounds like you're in need of something to help you through the day, my man.
CAROL:In the sense of connecting two pieces of wood, then yes.
GEES:That's cool, that's cool. But don't be a no fool, you need a tool.
CAROL:I guess.
GEES:Well let me help, I got all the tools you need. I got drills to pay the bills. I got chisels for shizzle.
BOB: Sorry, who are you again?
GEES:[SINGING TO THE TUNE OF PUSHERMAN] I got hammers, I got spanners, I got optics for town-planners.
CAROL:I mean, we don't need any of those, really.
GEES:[SINGING] I got pliers, I got wires, I got more than Robert Dyas.
BOB:Why are you in my house?
GEES:[SINGING] I got clamps, I got ramps, got illuminating lamps. I got strimmers, I got trimmers, I got light switches and dimmers.
CAROL:You seem to be taking the long way round here, because you basically heard what we want.
GEES:[SINGING] You could really up your work rate with this Black & Decker Workmate.
BOB: Do they still make those?
GEES:[SINGING] I got ratchets, I got hatchets, I got-
CAROL:Look all we want is a longish nail, do you have one?
GEES: Sure, brother man.
CAROL:Lovely. May I have it?
GEES:Yeah, damn right. And the first one's always free!
BOB:I think we only need one.
GEES: Oh well, let's wait and see.
SFX:BANG BANG BANG
CAROL:Yep, all finished.
GEES:[DOWNHEARTENED] Oh.
BOB:[PAUSE] And...errr...do you have any cocaine?
GEES:What you take me for! I'm leaving. How do I get out of here?
BOB: Same way you got in.
GEES:Yeah, I think we both know that part was ambiguous at best.
Oops! I voted a day early, post edited 
Pushing!
What a rum old topic that was!
I'll vote for gappy. He likes his 'famous singer's voice' ones these days, it seems, Barry White, Frank Sinatra and now Curtis Mayfield!?
Another Gappy.
Quote: a plate @ 10th August 2024, 1:58 AMPushing!
What a rum old topic that was!I'll vote for gappy. He likes his 'famous singer's voice' ones these days, it seems, Barry White, Frank Sinatra and now Curtis Mayfield!?
Yeah, it's funny how your brain gets stuck in little grooves for a while.
I vote A Plate, but very close second for Michael and his Vincenzo-like character.
Quote: gappy @ 10th August 2024, 11:58 AMstuck in little grooves for a while.
Sounds like a priest.
Ha!