J D Sportier 21-29.9.23

F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Gappy - 2
Me - 1

Next topic: The Human Brain
Leg closed: 29.9.23
Runners are nowt...

Position Score Name
1 9 Gappy
2 8 Me
3 5 Otterfox
4 3 APlate
5 1 Firkin



PSYCHOLOGIST (bored, playing on mobile phone) and PATIENT.

PATIENT Hello, Mr Psychologist...

PSYCHOLOGIST (yawns) Watcha, mate.

PATIENT Yes, I - I really need to talk to someone.


PATIENT Thank you. You see, when I was eighteen...

PSYCHOLOGIST Will this take long?

PATIENT I'll do my best. You see, I was in a relationship with a very nice young lady called...

PSYCHOLOGIST Thought you were gonna do yer best?

PATIENT Sorry. Well, I was in a relationship with a young lady and one night, I - well, we didn't take precautions, so she became pregnant... Are you listening to me?


PATIENT Anyway, we went to several experts, such as yourself...

PSYCHOLOGIST Cheers, mate.

PATIENT And in the end, we decided to keep the child. But shortly after the birth, we found we simply couldn't maintain the poor thing, so we gave it - him - away, and I've never seen him since.

PSYCHOLOGIST Well, waddayawant me to do about it?

PATIENT Um - nothing, I just... I needed to talk about it. You see, I've never attempted to contact him, and I was thinking...

PSYCHOLOGIST You know what I think? You bastard. (slams down phone) You total and utter unfeeling, selfish, beyond egotistical wanker. That poor, poor thing - don't you have a billionth of an ounce of a smidgeon of love in your soul? Think of his poor, sad, lonely face, crying into his sodden pillow, weeping an ocean of tears, whispering, 'Where IS my daddy? Why didn't he want me? Everybody at school has two kind, warm, awesome parents - why does nobody care for me?'

PATIENT I - I wanted to talk because I feel guilty...

PSYCHOLOGIST (laughs) Oh that's good. That's fab. That's richer than David Beckham, that one. Gonna make all the bleedin' difference innit? 'Oh yerse, hello whatever-yer-face-is, I abandoned and neglected and didn't give a tinker's cuss about you for donkey's, but now I feel just an itchy-titchy-witchy bit of a beastie about it. Make up for things, does it?... Aw, diddums, poor little Pop. Feel sowwy for me, do you? Never mind you, the babe that I gave away, YOU gotta feel sorry for ME now.'

PATIENT I think you're being a tad insensitive.

PSYCHOLOGIST Well, wad'ja expect, Judas?

PATIENT I was thinking if I rekindled the relationship...

PSYCHOLOGIST Rekindle? The only Kindle you know is for reading The Times off.

PATENT And I needed some advice.

PSYCHOLOGIST Well here's some advice, mate. Do yerself in, you self-centred little shit. That's what you deserve. Go on, tot yerself, and see if anyone cares. Just jump outa the office window or take a warm mug of cyanide or throw yerself under the next tram to Stoke, and see if he even notices. Asshole.

PATIENT (starts crying)

PSYCHOLOGIST Oh great, gay as well. Shame you didn't think about that before... (nervous) How did I do?

PATIENT (claps) Marvellously! You've passed the first simulation.

PSYCHOLOGIST Oh Gosh, I am thrilled.

PATIENT That was of course if I was an NHS patient. Now, I'd like you to imagine I'm private...

PSYCHOLOGIST runs over and kisses him on the bottom.

Grams:Electronic ambient music

Rachael:May I ask you a personal question?

Deckard: Sure.

Rachael:Have you ever retired a human by mistake?


Rachael:But in your position that is a risk?

Tyrell:Is this to be an empathy test? Fluctuation of the pupil? Involuntary dilation of the iris?

Deckard:We call it Voight-Kampff for short.

Tyrell: Demonstrate it. I want to see it work.

Deckard:Where's the subject?

Tyrell:I want to see it work on a person. I want to see a negative before I provide you with a positive.

Deckard:What's that going to prove?

Tyrell:Indulge me.

Deckard: On you?

Tyrell:Try her.

Rachael: Do you mind if I smoke?

Deckard:It won't affect the test. All right, I'm going to ask you a series of questions. First - how many cats are there in this picture?

Rachael: How many cats? There are lots of animals.

Deckard: Agreed, but how many of them are cats?

Rachael: I don't know. Are those fluffy ones with the pointy ears cats or dogs?

Deckard: Let's try another. What words are these?

Rachael: Damocles and thighbone.

SFX: Squeaky permanent marker on board.

Deckard: OK. What about now?

Rachael: Still the same words. But you've sort of scribbled on them.

Deckard: No, I also changed the L into a 1.

Tyrell:Rachel, would you step outside for a moment?

Deckard: She's not human!

Tyrell: Ah, no, she is.

Deckard: But the test said she was a robot.

Tyrell: Yes, but I should have mentioned, she's been a bit funny in the head ever since that time her family died in a plane crash on the Nigerian border.

Professor Noel Japonica addresses a crowd from the stage, akin to TED Talk.

Professor Japonica:
Welcome everyone to my talk on the human brain, the body, the heart, the whole ensemble that makes you you and not the person next to you. If you do think that you are the person next to you, don't worry, there's just something wrong with you.

Throughout the course of my speech I'm going to pose a lot of questions and at the same time provide very little in the way of answers. Almost everyone has a brain when you think about it...if you can.

The brain and body are capable of remarkable things. Humans were healing and recovering from diseases long before doctors came along, so what's the point of them? Perhaps the role of doctor should be consigned to the profession scrapheap like pond watcher or horse traitor.

When you experience pain you don't want to just shut it off, that would be rude. No, we want to get to the source of the pain and stop it from acting the maggot.

With our brain, our consciousness, we have the power to control every aspect of our life. There's no point in waiting for amazing things to happen. You have to go out there and grab life by the scruff of the miracle.

To truly fulfil our potential we must ensure a marriage between our brain and heart. But were you even invited?

I was always told that the brain was the master organ but after spending time with indigenous people, they maintain that it's your heart.

The brain releases chemistry into our bodies to help with healing and rejuvenation. The brain receives these messages from the heart. So we know the heart can think but can the brain pump?

When your heart is speaking to you it speaks briefly and concisely, usually in a phrase or single sentence but rarely will it tell you a story, recite a poem or play the ukulele.

There are many different brain states; delta when you're sleeping, theta when waking up, alpha throughout the day, but if you truly harmonise your brain and heart you can reach gamma. This is where healing and anti-ageing come into play, I'd say.

Ask the brain a question and its response is slow. It weighs up all possibilities, memories, angles of the question before settling on an answer. Ask the heart the same question and the response is instant - it doesn't seem to give a shit.

Indigenous people knew of this power of the heart and they gave it a name which there is no English word for. I could call it Flurgon, Gonka or Brimmilo but I'd just be making stuff up.

As we're running into territory where we're struggling to find words it's best that we bring this speech to a close. The most important thing to remember is that through synchronising your brain and heart you can reach gamma state and this is where greatness happens. Like a mountain stream that.... or an evening sun as it.... Or even a....in a.......



TEACHER: I'm going to talk about organs. What do you think is the best organ?

BOY 1: I dunno, Yamaha, or something shit like that?

TEACHER: That's enough of your language, young man. And this isn't a music lesson. We're doing biology.

BOY 2: Oh, are we? I didn't realise.

TEACHER: Well, why do you think I cut that worm in half a few minutes ago?

BOY 1: (laughing) 'Cos you're a f**ken LUNATIC, sir!

TEACHER: No, no. I cut that worm in half, because I was teaching you that both bits keep wiggling. And you can quote me on that.

BOY 1: Well, I'd rather not.

TEACHER: Anyway, the best organ is the human brain. Is anyone surprised by that?


TEACHER: Wow! A few of you just murmured slightly! That's the most enthusiastic response I've ever got in one of my lessons.

BOY 1: (laughing) Yeah, you're virtually Robin Williams in that film where he keeps standing on the table, or something shit like that!

TEACHER: Shut your noise! Now, the human brain is capable of many things. It is extraordinary. Without a brain, you might find it difficult to function as a human being.

BOY 1: (laughing) Kevin Orbit would know something about that!

TEACHER: I'll smash you in the face if you don't shut up. Now, how big is a human brain?

BOY 1: (laughing) Well, Kevin Orbit's brain is well tiny, innit!

TEACHER: Right, that's it. You're in trouble now, boy. Mainly for being disruptive, but also because you keep wittering on about someone called Kevin Orbit, whoever the bloody Hell that is.

BOY 1: (laughs)

TEACHER: And you keep laughing. I won't tolerate anyone enjoying themselves in one of my lessons. Go and see the headmaster.




HEADMASTER: You weren't expecting that, now, were you?


Tough choice, they all have their strengths. My vote's for Michael, it's distinctly in your style but also a bit different, didn't expect it to go there at the ending.

Thanks! Yeah, all good. Otterfox this wank.

Fox features.

Its a plate for me. Some lovely exchanges and Kevin Orbit is a great name.