F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy and me for winking. Place your subject for next wank alongside your vote pleased. Meanwhilst...
Gappy, me - 1
Next natterjerk: Drugs, man (choosed by Gappy)
Leg closed: 16.3.22
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 5 Gappy
2 3 Teddy
3 2 Otterfox, me
4 1 Firkin, Thief of Bad Gags
SLIPPED DISCO
TV STUDIO.
PRESENTER.
PRESENTER Good evening ladies and gentlemen and you, and welcome to this afternoon's 'This Morning With Richard Staines'. I am Claude Nobbes and tonight I'll be talking to Robin Ish, a man addicted to 70s disco and Gloria Gaynor. I told Rob he could...
ROB (off) Ring my bell.
PRESENTER So any minute now he'll...
ROB (off) Knock on wood.
PRESENTER And...
ROB (enters, dancing) Fly, Robin, fly...
PRESENTER So, how are you?
ROB I will survive.
PRESENTER Just...
ROB Stayin' alive.
PRESENTER But how do you really feel?
ROB You make me feel mighty real.
PRESENTER Ah, stop it.
ROB I'm so excited.
PRESENTER So, you're a...
ROB (YMCA) Young man.
PRESENTER Also known as...
ROB Le Freak.
PRESENTER From...
ROB Funky Town.
PRESENTER Near...
ROB The car wash, yeah.
PRESENTER Where I believe...
ROB It's raining, men.
PRESENTER This...
ROB September.
PRESENTER But you have a problem... Now, you're among friends.
ROB We are family.
PRESENTER Your prob is...
ROB I love the nightlife.
PRESENTER You always have to go to the...
ROB Disco inferno.
PRESENTER Where they...
ROB Play that funky music.
PRESENTER You always think...
ROB You should be dancing.
PRESENTER To...
ROB Get down on it.
PRESENTER And...
ROB Celebrate good times... Come on!
PRESENTER Oh, really, I...
ROB (gets up) Come on!
PRESENTER I'm too old for...
ROB Come on!
PRESENTER I give up.
ROB Don't stop till you get enough.
PRESENTER Even when it's the...
ROB Last dance.
PRESENTER Right, I'm off.
ROB Don't leave me this way.
PRESENTER OUT!
ROB (leaves, dancing) Young hearts run free...
PRESENTER Next week I'll be talking to an Open Mic presenter and asking: Why MC, eh?
ANNOUNCER: Researchers in Oxford have uncovered new papers by John Betjeman, revealing a heretofore entirely unknown experiment in the psychedelic movement of the 1960s.
GRAMS:TRAD JAZZ VERSION OF "EIGHT MILES HIGH" BY THE BYRDS
JOHN: I took a trip on the eight-forty
And a trip on LSD,
Saw the blueprints of creation,
Made it back in time for tea.
On an off-peak railcard saver
Day return to Interzone,
The cosmos whispered me its secrets
Like a typist's dictaphone.
Drugs are like the latest dance craze,
Everybody does it now:
Colleagues taking Es in Escher,
Friends all getting bombed in Slough.
Like a wireless, turn on, tune in,
Pick the vibes up heavily:
Electric Kool Aid Acid Test Match
Feeding heads in Headingley.
Place a disc on the Victrola,
See the rhythm, taste the sounds.
Fear and loathing in West Berkshire,
Ruined the heart of Newbury town.
Lucy on The High in diamonds,
Isabella ruffing spades,
Gwendolyn is at the golf club,
Afternoon off for the maids.
Time is like a girl in jodhpurs,
Space the colt between her legs,
Life an airless hotel lobby -
Ask Alice what the doorman says.
But the visions always dwindle,
And you're left there on your knees
On the doormat of perception,
Fumbling for the proper keys.
REPORTER (MARK) EXCITEDLY SUMS UP TO THE CAMERA AFTER A FOOTBALL MATCH.
MARK:
...and what a barnstorming finish we had to another epic encounter. And, of course, it can't have gone unnoticed that we witnessed the return of Curtis Pockjocket after such a long period out of the game. Well, I'm delighted to say that we have been given an exclusive interview with Curtis and he joins me now.
PAN OUT TO REVEAL CURTIS.
MARK (CNTD):
It was so good seeing you back out on the field tonight. It must have been a long twelve months.
CURTIS:
Yeah, look, it's been well documented that I've had my share of off-field problems but it's fantastic to be back.
MARK:
Presumably you now regret taking the drugs.
CURTIS:
That was the accusation but I have been proven innocent.
MARK:
And do you feel that the drugs helped both on and off the field?
CURTIS:
I've just said I was proven innocent. I'm just delighted to be back doing what I do best.
MARK:
And when you say back to what you do best, do you mean your performance on the pitch or your ability to take drugs?
CURTIS (ANGRIER):
Listen! The drugs accusation was false! Can you stop going on about it and focus on the game?
MARK:
With respect Curtis, I really feel we should move away from the drugs and talk about the match.
CURTIS:
Drugs I had nothing to do with!
MARK:
Again, I must insist that we drop the drugs talk.
CURTIS:
You said it again! Stop mentioning drugs!
MARK:
Your last word was literally drugs.
CURTIS:
I've had enough of this!
CURTIS WALKS OFF.
MARK:
How do you feel tonights result helps your title hopes?
CURTIS REAPPEARS LOOKING AROUND FURTIVELY.
CURTIS:
No more talk of drugs?
MARK:
Only when you mention it.
CURTIS:
We were delighted to get the three points first and foremost. We were fearing the worst when we went 2 - 0 down but being part of a fightback like that reminded me of what I'd missed while I was away.
MARK:
I noticed just before the end that you nipped a shot off the toe of your leading goalscorer Fernando Karancha. Was there any cross words spoken?
CURTIS:
Look, the ball was there to be won. Fernando is a professional and he understands that. He's not one to start throwing his toys out of the pram...if anything, I could see him picking up the toys and putting them back in. He's a good honest lad is Fernando.
MARK:
Hmmm....and he's Colombian isn't he?
CURTIS:
Yes he is. What about it?
MARK:
Wouldn't exactly be known for their honesty.
CURTIS:
What's that supposed to mean?
MARKS TONE CHANGES. HE LOSES THE USUAL MEASURED INTERVIEW TONE AND CONTINUES COMPLETELY UNFILTERED.
MARK:
Well they only have the biggest drugs cartel in the world. Oooh, look at me with all the drugie, drugie, drugs. Smoking and sniffing and spraying drugs. Here's me being you: *sharp intake of breath* Aaah, drugs, mmmh, I'm like this because of all the drugs I'm having.... Friends with a Colombian - come on! Dead giveaway! Throwing his toys out of the pram - He probably smuggles them over in the pram, oooh!
MARK IS DRAGGED OFF BY SECURITY. CURTIS IS STILL ON CAMERA.
CURTIS:
Wow! Welcome back to the spotlight Curtis.
MARK REAPPEARS DISHEVELED.
MARK:
Ooh spotlight - spots morelike.
CURTIS:
WHat are you talking about now?
MARK:
Spots...cannibis.... spotting, knifers, knife hots, knife tokes, dots-
SECURITY DRAG HIM AWAY AGAIN.
CURTIS TURNS TO ANOTHER INTERVIEWER (HARRY).
HARRY:
Welcome back Curtis.
CURTIS:
Yeah, look, it's a pleasure to be back.
MARK REEMERGES.
MARK:
Hot knives, kitchen tracking, blades, bladers -
SECURITY TAKES HIM AWAY MORE DETERMINEDLY.
CURTIS:
Look, I've had enough of interviews for one day. I'm just going to enjoy the win with my team mates.
CURTIS WALKS OFF.
FEW BEATS.
MARK REAPPEARS VERY BEDRAGGLED WITH HAIR TOSSED, SHIRT HALF RIPPED.
MARK:
Spotter, bowser.
FADE OUT.
MARK (AUDIO):
Hooter, toker, hitter. And that's all the drug names I can think of. Thank you and goodnight.
END.
Otterfox just pips it.
Agreed.
And 'tis Gappy for me, just.
Sorry, Michael, forgot my theme for next week in my post, Howasabout "lineage"?
Yes, if that's what you really really want.