A WOODLAND
A man is huffing and puffing as he climbs up steep banks in a heavy wind to collect fallen logs. He then climbs back down and puts the logs in a large old Silver Cross baby pram. He then climbs back up for more several times. He does this until the pram is almost overloaded.

On the last occasion he stops at the top of the bank with logs in his arms and looks down in shock.

SCENE
A police car is in the glade and the log collector is in the middle of irately talking to what is rapidly becoming a surly policeman.

MAN
Don't be asking me, just follow the f**king pram wheel tracks they'll take you to the car park, that's what I did.

PLOD
And you say the logs weren't there?

MAN
All I found was the pram on its f**king back and every one of my logs gone. He must have been watching me fill it from the rhododendrons!

PLOD
Technically sir they're not 'Your Logs'

MAN
Oh here we f**king go any excuse to write a crime off, that's all you lot are good for!

PLOD
First off moderate your language, secondly count yourself lucky that I'm not running you in for wasting police time.

MAN
Wasting your time? I gave you everything you need to f**king go on!.

PLOD
They're just logs, and you didn't even legally own them.

MAN
Just logs? They're f**king seven quid a bag at the garage!

PLOD
Well, I doubt my superiors want me to have the entire nation on the lookout for a man who you claim looks like Ronnie Barker and who may or may not have a log burner in his house!

MAN
No wonder no one rates the f**king plod these days. What we're you planning on doing? Taking a few selfies with your arse out by the pram to get a laugh off your mates?

PLOD
You're nicked

Admittedly this one was a tad obscure as it was based on reading a post by Lazzard telling Stephen Goodlad about the price of logs at his garage and that he he waits for the wind so that he can gather logs. Then I was watching the storm warnings and the weather man saying 'Danger to life' and I had a mental picture of Lazard rubbing his hands together at the prospect of free logs.

There's an interesting concept here, about the point at which ownership begins, and therefore at which theft is possible, but I'm not sure the sketch comes off.

Thanks for the read of it Gappy its not my best but anything I write where someone talks themselves into getting nicked always makes me chuckle and it always has .

I know what you mean, "right, you're nicked" is always a satisfying way to ne d a sketch". As is "Oh, f**k off!"

I know, I love it when someone goes flat out to get nicked it genuinely makes me chuckle. I write script based in a service station many years ago and to this day it still makes me laugh as it is jammed packed with that type of nonsense . I will post it on here later and while I don't expect many to read it as its a long haul considered it to be one of my best scripts ever as its jammed packed with that level of nonesense.

I'm honoured.
My usual fees apply.

Given your standing I presume you take Bitcoin? I myself favour bits of coins. Basically I take a pair of pliers to 1p pieces and clip them down to little shards which I then sprinkle on beaches to play with the detectorist heads.
You will note I don't call them Treasure Hunters as they are not looking for things from antiquity to hand over to a coroner. They are in fact looking for watches and money that some poor bastard lost while trying to have a holiday.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ 17th February 2022, 5:46 PM

I presume you take Bitcoin?

View original

Yeah. Thrupenny bit coin.