F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Teddy and Otterfox for a joint wink. PM myself with a subject for next wank pleased. Meanwhilst...
Otterf**ked, Teddy - 2 apiss
Firkin, Thief of Bad Gags - 1

Next natterjerk: Valentine's Day
Leg closed: 20.2.22
Runners are nowt...

Position Score Name
1 2 Otterfox, Teddy
2 1 Firkin, Thief of Bad Gags

1:Valentine's Day tomorrow! Are you all ready? I've been getting ready for weeks!

2:In what way?

1:Well, I mean I've sent all my cards, and my rose tree's been up for weeks - plus I hung up my stockings this morning. Fishnet ones, of course.

2f course.

1:And I left out a glass of bellini for Eros, plus a single All Gold for Cupid. And I'm all prepped for the traditional Valentines roast.

2:Roast turkey?

1: No, oyster. With all the trimmings.

2:By which you mean lace?

1:By which I mean garter belts and lace, yes: bit chewy, but tradition is important. And I've got my Valentine's advent - I've been pulling a packet of peanuts off that cardboard backing to see the lady in her bra. Then of course, I have my Valentine's jumper - which I'll be tearing off myself later.

2:Huh, I think all that stuff is a perversion of the real meaning of Valentine's. I'll be having a traditional celebration.

1:What does that entail?

2:Wanking and weeping mostly.

WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG AND UNLOVED

Tune: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SnH_m_PMdM

Jizz in your hair (filled with splooge)
There's jism ev'rywhere
When you're young and unloved
Wife just a dream (can't get reamed)
All girls just fantasy
When you're young and unloved
Each night you're celebrating Palm Sunday
Whilst you spank the monkey
Cock spews all night (forsk so bright)
Seems your fist's twice as tight
When you're young and unloved
Ooh, reams won't come true (try to cream)
But sure looks like you do
When you're young and unloved
So many smeardrops can pound from balls
Polish the family jewels
When you're, when you're young and unloved
(Rub and you'll slime)
Ooh, ooh yeah
(There's no mounting you can find)
When you're young and unloved
So many smeardrops can pound from balls
Polish the family jewels
When you're, when you're young and unloved

VAL AND TINA

TWO ACTRESSES DRESSED HAS VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS.

INT. A TOWN GREETINGS CARD SHOP. EVENING.

GET WELL CARD

I see you're still left on the shelf ladies ha ha ha.

VAL

Oh f@$k off, Get Well card. How the f@$k can
someone get well with a face like you've got?

GET WELL CARD

I hope you end up in a charity shop, Bitch.

VAL

Oh yeah, with a face like yours the poor f@$ker
will think it's received a bereavement card.

(VAL STICKS TWO FINGERS UP)

VAL

Up yours too.

PAUSE

TINA

She does have a point, Val.

VAL

Yeah well, I'm not having her telling us that.

TINA

(Sighs)

Well, that's Valentine's Day over with
and we're still . . .erm. . . left on the shelf?

VAL

Chin up lov' you never know, a tight git may
wonder in off the street and buy you for half the price

TINA

I don't want to go cheap, especially in front of all the
other greeting cards, it's so degrading.

VAL

(Looking down)

It doesn't help when they slap a price sticker over your tits.

TINA

We may never get a lover, not like all those cards from Moopig?

VAL

Aww Tina lov' you're better than those Moopigs they're common has muck they are.

PAUSE
VAL

Look at Muvver over there, she's had more pricks
than the shelf down there selling birthday badges

TINA

(Chuckling)

You are funny, Val

VAL

Aye, a lot f@$king funnier than those humour cards over there

TINA

(Giggling)

You are, Val

VAL

Muvver there has five gift cards from five different Father's Day cards.

TINA

(Tutting)

She should be a shamed of herself.

PAUSE

TINA

Here, do you remember Heli the Helium balloon?

VAL

Aye, don't remind me.

TINA

(Giggles)

He was besotted with you.

VAL

He was. He was my very own Richard Branson balloon.

TINA

(Puzzled)

Richard Branson balloon?

VAL

Aye, he was a virgin.

TINA

(Laughing)

VAL

He had a tiny leak you know?

TINA

(Surprised)

Noooo, he never did, Val?

VAL

Oh yeah, every time I snogged him I sounded like
f@$king Daffy Duck.

TINA

(Giggling uncontrollably)

What ever happened to you and Heli?

VAL

I let him go.

TINA

He went out of your life then?

VAL

Straight up.

TINA

Did you, I mean, you know? Did you get a bang?

VAL

No, but he did, he flew up into the extractor fan.

THE END

A mobile fish & chip shop with a sign saying
'Big Dicks'
A small man in a suit with a clipboard approaches the van. As he does so the large Jovial owner appears carrying a sandwich board which he sets out on the pavement.
AH
Excuse me are you the owner?

BIG D
I've been called worse

He smiles and then wipes his hand down his filthy apron and offers his hand as he speaks. His hand is refused.

BIG D
Big Dick McGuffy how can I help you?

AH
I'm Arthur Hall...

BIG D
What happened to the other half?

AH
I'm with the council and I'm afraid I have a complaint

BIG D
Well, if you want to use my portaloo you'll have to buy something first! But I'm not having you taking it in with you. I've only just got my licence back. I'll keep it in the warmer for you till you come back out, just remember to wash your hands in the bucket I've left.

AH
I mean I've had a complaint about you

BIG D
Who off?

AH
Several people actually

BIG D
Well, it can't be the fat again I bought 20 pound of fresh dripping without a single rat footprint on any of it.

AH
It's not about your dripping

BIG D
Well, it can't be about my fryer I held Dave The Dwarfs legs while he went in and cleaned it out with a scrubbing brush and Dettol.

Arthur Hall is clearly getting angry.
AH
I'm not with the Environmental Health, Mr McGuffy

BIG D
Call me Big Dick

AH
I'd rather not

BIG D
(Winks)
That's what she said till she saw it

Arthur Hall has had enough.
AH
Now that right there! That is exactly the reason I'm here Mr McGuffy. To be honest you're lucky we never handed your case straight over to the police!

BIG D
What case, as I said I've only been here an hour

AH
Well in that time you seem to have managed to offend half the seafront with your foul language and gaudy signs

He points to the sandwich board it reads
Big Dicks 12 Inch Whopper
'It comes in a wrapper'

BIG D
That sign's not gaudy, that's traditional that is. The punters love a bit of the old saucy seaside capers. Plus, it's St Valentine's Day you can't let a few wet blankets ruin hundreds of years of tradition.

AH
It's not saucy though is it, its straight up smut

BIG D
Its edgy at worst

Arthur Hall looks at his clipboard and takes a pen out of his shirt pocket.

AH
Could you play your vans tune please

BIG D
(coy)
I'd rather not it flattens the battery

AH
If you don't, I'll call in the police!

Big D reluctantly leans in the van and flicks a switch. As he does so a man voice with a west country accent starts singing out of the speakers.
"I'm a C**t, I'm a C**t, I'm a country dancer!
I've got spots on my dick, on my dick, on my dicky bow!

AH
Waves angrily
Turn it off I've heard enough

BIG D leans in and switches it off and replies in a defensive tone

BIG D
There's nothing wrong with that, the Wurzles sang a version of that on the London Palladium in front of royalty

AH
Its crude and its offensive as are the signs and what you're shouting at people!

Big D is outraged

BIG D
Shouting? It's called 'Barking' and its older than Punch & Judy!

AH
What about the personal abuse, one woman complained directly to you

BIG D
I only asked her if she had crabs? She was carrying a net and bucket for god's sake

AH
She was with her 16 year old daughter!

BIG D
Is that all she was? They must live near to a dairy then

AH
I'm sorry I'm going to ask you to leave, we can do it informally now or we can do it officially and there will only be one winner there

Big D is gutted and worried.

BIG D
I can't leave now I haven't even covered my petrol let alone covered what I paid for my stock.

AH
I'm sorry

BIG D
What if I toned it down and played ball? I'll bring the sign in and stop playing the tune and I'll keep my mouth shut with the passers-by, I promise please I really need the money, Covid was a nightmare for people like me

AH
I'll give you one last chance, but you put one foot wrong!

Big D is relieved and holds up his two fingers.

BIG D
I promise I won't say a word Scouts honour

Two young large chested women with beehive hairstyles approach the van. They are also inexplicably wearing skimpy halter tops, mini- skirts and stilettos despite the inclement weather. Big D's jaw drops as everything he has ever believed in is right before his eyes.

GIRL 1
You know what I really fancy a piping hot 12 incher

Big D is struggling to reply, but he musters the strength.

BIG D
They're two pounds

GIRL 1
(Winks)
Is that the price or the weight?

Big D is really struggling as the council officer stirs at him.

BIG D
The price

The second girl then leans on the counter and her nipples are clearly erect

Girl 2
We're down for the day from Bristol, we had no idea it would be this cold

Big D heroically somehow musters a polite reply.

BIG D
It's been warmer that's for sure

GIRL 2
Go on then I'll have a 12 inch one as well if you can manage it?

BIG D can barely muster a reply as he is still being watched

BIG D
I can

GIRL1
We're supposed to meet our boyfriends in a pub near here. It's called the Blind Cobblers Thumb have you heard of it?

BIG D is now almost beyond his limits.

BIG D
Yes

GIRL1
My boyfriend Rod works there he said he's going to show me how to clean his pipes

Big D's left eye is now twitching furiously and he can't muster a reply.

GIRL 2
My boyfriend Randy works there as well . He the cellar man, he said he's going to take me through the trap door

Big Dick collapses and they all rush to help him.

ARTHUR HALL
Its no use he's dead

GIRL 2
You wouldn't think he was dead the way he's smiling

Great wank. Gappy.

Yeah, Gappy get's my vote

I probably pick Teddy this time (for the competition, not for my Valentine).

Gappy gets it for me as well.

Michael as it contrasted well with the backing track.

I'll vote for Gappy here. Really, I think his sketch should be longer.

I should credit my friend Ally Craig with the original concept that inspired this sketch.